Untitled[Version Two]

Different Version of the other poem.

 

Hands clammy
Heart beating wildly
I knew this was coming
Hope you would've changed your mind
Now I don't know what to think
I watch your lips
Your telling me
My heart is racing
Tears stinging
Why?
The world floats between us
Why?
Your answer is simple
Right thing for me
Stomach whirling
Heart squeezing
Feels like the world is falling
I don't want to hear it anymore
Those lips you kissed me with
Forming in to those words
Nerves rack my stomach
Hands caress my back
Shh it's going to be okay
You whisper and I relax
Trusting you fully as I have before
I might be a military man
You whispered in my ear
Before adding
but I'll always be yours
What you said made sence
Brought comfort
I knew things would be fine..

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Is this one better then the other?

Reviews

[nono]

aww sad gonna cry. THIS IS REALLY EMOTIONAL! i love it nice job!

[Elvina CZq]

I adore the original version instead of this. The original one brings the natural emotion that flows to it. But, nice one anyway.

[GrownUpTime]

i love it. idk why but it defidently has something special...

[Kyle]

A cleaner picture then number one. Crisper Focus. Well Done

[Charles]

Was this a re-write of version one? I'll have to backtrack to see if I can find it. Good writing, whatever version one was like. Edit: change 'in to' to 'into' and change 'sence' to sense.'

[MattWheatus]

Awesome poem - on message too given just how many soldiers around the world are having this conversation due to conflicts in the middle east and elsewhere

[Gabi Celaya]

"Hope you would've changed your mind" should be "hoped", I suspect.
"What you said made sence" should be "sense".

[John McGrael]

before i tell my thoughts on the poem, i spotted a couple of spelling mistakes so i wanna go ahead and get those out of the way... i hate correcting stuff in other's works but you know

---"your telling me" should be "you're telling me"

---"forming in to those words" into is just one word so it would be "forming into..." unless you did that on purpose

---"what you said made sence" sense is spelled with an s... so yeah

those are the only errors i picked up while reading so yeah....

now to what i thought about it :)
i think this poem is well done, and it is a very sensitive subject, that whole war thing, haha
i think you captured it nicely, the saying goodbye
its a terrible thing to have to do
well done!

[Coyote Poetry]

I was a soldier for 15 years. Those goodbyes are sad. Few words can be said. Your poem is very close to the truth. A very good ending. Hard to make sense of what we feel and say. A excellent poem. I will the other.

Coyote

[angelina neves]

lovely!!