Untitled

 

Hands clammy
Heart beating wildly
I knew this was coming
Hope you would have  changed your mind
Now I don't know what to think
I watch your lips as you speak those words
My heart is racing
Tears stinging
'Why?'
The world floats between us
'Why?'
Your answer is simple
'Right thing for me'
Stomach whirling
Heart squeezing
Feels like the world is falling
I don't want to hear it anymore
Nerves rack my stomach
Hands caress my back
Your warmth
your smell
encloses me
I relax against your warm body
'Shh it's going to be okay'
You whisper in my ear
Trusting you fully as I have before
'I might have joined the military and be sent over but i'll always be with you'
And for some reason those words brought comfort
I knew you'd always be with me no matter what.

 

 

 

Author's Note

I feel like it just dragged on.
I will most likely redo it but i had to place it down

Reviews

[AmeliaElizabeth]

That's a great description of the feelings your narrator's going through. Overall, a very good poem! :)

[Aurora]

OMG!!! I'm legit... crying right now...
You know, it's uncertain at first what it's about, but the reader can tell it's not good because of how well you describe the narrator's feelings...

I really liked this, a LOT, and I could relate to it so much. I'm sorry if this is what's happening with you right now, because I know it's hard... but you always have to be proud of them, and believe they are coming home.

[Jasmine]

i love this. you've created a lot of really beautiful and believeable emotion in your poem. my only criticism is that the flow isnt very smooth. it's a bit choppy and therefore hard to read. change this, and you've got yourself an awesome poem... :)

[Lilly]

i thought this was good :) shows emotions well

[Patches I'm not so new..]

I liked it! You may feel you have to 'tweak" it here and there but as others have said you need the emotion
to make the poem "felt" Do what you have to do but leave the emotion untouched IMHO

[Wolfe Greytome]

Not bad. As you said, it does drag a bit - but the emotion is essential to the piece. Try to capture the same emotions with a smoother flow and you will have a great piece.

[Jenny Nelson]

I liked it. Certainly got me wondering what was coming.

'I might have joined the military and be sent over but i'll always be with you'
And for some reason those words brought comfort"

The only suggestion I would make would be to see if you could say the same thing as the quoted lines, but in fewer words to fit with the rest of the poem, but writing is about evoking a response, and I think you did that well here.

[Chemistry]

Don't over think this piece. The readers need to go through all the emotions with you in order to understand why those were comforing words. Thank you for taking us with you and not rushing to a quick end.

[~*666 Draven Von Tepes ..]

nice write

[Ellen Hammond]

Very emotionally charged piece. It draws the reader into the scenario that many couples face. I am not sure that I would shorten it if I were you. Personally I didn't find it dragged because every line seems necessary for us to grasp the intensity of the moment.