Tonight [Another Version]

Another Version of my other poem 'tonight'

Tonight

Tonight I will spill blood

Tonight I await evil

Tonight I will kill evil

Tonight there will be blood on my hands

Tonight evil will never return

Tonight I will be haunted forever

Tonight the love will die

Tonight I will kill my husband

Tonight is the end



 

Author's Note

This is another Version of my other poem 'Tonight' Just a little bit of changes here and there.
Like this one better or the other?

I also dont know if i have it in the right Genre.
please help on that
thank you

Reviews

[Blue Lynel]

I think they are both pretty good, but if you have an original, I'd be predisposed to that one because that's just how I am. I make a poem once and stick with that. This one isn't too bad but the other one seems to be more descriptive, given that it is 12 lines long and this one only 10. Having read the other one first gives me more an image than this one has, but I believe that ultimately it is up to you which one you like better. Viel Gl�ck! (good luck)

[BelowABridge]

i like the placement of the lines in this version better especially the last three lines, but its seems like you cut a lot out of the original that was well written.

[Jenny Nelson]

Very intense and dark. The use of repeating the word "tonight" makes the piece sound psychotic, which of course fits well with the piece. Like the hint of regret that's not going to make a difference in doing the act. (Um, you're not married are you?)

[Charles]

So, you did the original when you were 'young.' Quite intense for a youngster and especially one who was not abused. Shows an active and focused imagination. Good creative writing (both versions). The repitition of 'tonight' drums home the idea of repeated abuse, intensifies the feelings of the person who has decided to end the abuse. For intensity, I like the original better. The lack of adornment (no frilly metaphors, for instance) helps the mood - simple matter of fact statement of intent (I'm going to kill him). Good writing.
I'm not sure what your question about 'genre' means - do you mean voice? If that's the case, you've got it right. Do you mean persona? If that's the case, you've got it right.

[Elvina CZq]

I would say I love the original version. Just as I've said on your previous poem, it's purely revenge, as if you weren't thinking it hard just to do it, but you think of it and do it without second thought. And yes, I agree with Blue Lynel... I still prefer the original one. haha :)

[lawrence bear]

shorter, but still good. i agree with blue lynel

[MarkGMelvin]

wow

[hajo]

To me(if you hadn't put the sub-heading that this was about abuse) I would have almost thought this was about a vampire. The issue of spousal abuse is a serious one. The love in this marriage would have died long before this night in question. How much braver(and just as dramatic) would it have been for this woman to have left this abusive relationship and go out on her own. No support, no safety net, just this strong woman learning to fend for herself and build up her battered psyche.

[Sean M. Addams]

I really like the darkness of this piece.... very raw and packs a punch.... overall nice job on this....

[V]

This is what can happen when the cycle of abuse goes on for too long. The victim sees no other way out. Of course it is a totally distorted view, simply because they are living in that infected, dysfunctional environment.
I think you captured the feeling very well. Partly because you used the word 'Love' and also because of the repetition of 'Tonight'. The word is repetitive, just like their lives. There is also a feeling of 'insanity' (if you will) about the repetition. As if she is talking herself into it.
It is in your face, but so is abuse, so, I think you brought out the ugly side of some relationships. It is a shame really that these people don't see that there are other options.
Thanks for sharing this poem.