"The Trek"

It's actually just a small part of a story I'm writing. :O

     Emily could hear her father’s cough getting worse over the past few days. She saw his unwillingness to try to beat his sickness. The hope was draining out of his eyes, day by day, making them grow duller. She’d always known he was unhappy on this earth without her mother, but she never thought, she’d never even considered the possibility that he would so eagerly, and so easily give up his will to live. One would think having two fully in need children would keep one moving forward. Even after the death of the loved one you’d cherished so much.

     Emily sat helplessly on her bed, listening to her father coughing knowing very well she couldn’t do anything for him. She couldn’t make him want to keep living. Nothing that she could do would make him want to keep trying. His goal now was to join her mother, wherever she had left them to go. A single tear rolled down Emily’s cheek as she thought of her mother. She almost didn’t blame her dad for wanting to leave them. It had to be hard to face your daughter every day when she looked exactly like her mother, with her long black curls, flashing green eyes, and lightly freckled skin. She didn’t doubt if he’d sometime mistaken her for her mother, even though she’d been gone for two years. Her petite frame resembling so much of her mother, especially when she was even wearing the same dresses her mother had worn because they couldn’t afford to get new ones. She almost felt guilty, thinking that she was part of the reason for his agony, catching him off guard giving him that moment of bliss, when he would forget his wife was dead and would be so filled with joy that she was there cooking breakfast, feeding the baby, doing the farm chores. Then he would remember that she was long gone and would feel crushed all over again. She almost didn’t blame him for wanting to leave them, when he had a son who was the reason of her death. Complications during birth, a very common thing, that had caused her death. The last thing she had said was that she had wanted the beautiful baby boy to be named Wyatt. And he granted her wish, but didn’t even hold his new born son for a full five minutes. Instead he handed his boy to Emily, telling her to take care of him, as if he couldn’t. Emily knew every time he looked at Wyatt, even though he was just an innocent child, blame clouded his vision. She saw it in the way he talked about the baby, in the way he always pushed him off to her.

      Emily almost didn’t blame her father, but almost didn’t mean she didn’t. Almost wasn’t enough. She knew he was in pain by the way he sobbed in the middle of the night calling out for Emma. He wanted her mother to be alive, not her, and not Wyatt. As much as it hurt her to know her father was in so much pain, she still couldn’t not blame him for wanting to leave them. They needed him. Emily looked over to the crib in the corner of her and Wyatt’s small room, trying to come up with a solution of what she was going to do once her father was gone. He was the most important thing in her life, and she knew her mother would have wanted him to be loved, cared for, and protected. If her father wasn’t going to provide any of that for Wyatt, she would. Emily was just about to blow out her candle when she heard her father rasp her name.

“Papa?” Emily asked, her voice shaking. She knew what was coming, and had had time to prepare for it, but she didn’t want it to happen. She didn’t want her father to go. She entered his room and kneeled by his bed, taking both of his hands into hers.

“Emily,” Her father said before going into a fit of coughing. Emily took the wash cloth she kept by the bowl of water on his bedside table, wet it, and placed it on his forehead, hoping it made him as comfortable as he could be.

“What is it Papa? Don’t strain yourself.” Emily whispered, trying to hold her tears back so she could be brave for her father.

“I want you to know, I’m sorr-” Another coughing fit started. Emily shook her head, shushing him, hoping if she could keep him quiet it would keep him with her longer.

“and I love you, and Wyatt. Forgive me?” His eyes pleaded with Emily’s, begging for the forgiveness of the neglect he gave them once Emma had died. Emily nodded her head vigorously, the tears she had tried to hold back spilling down her cheeks.

“I forgive you, Papa. I love you.” She sobbed out. She felt her father’s grip in her hand tighten, and then it went slack. She looked into his eyes, and saw there was nothing left of him. He was gone, probably in a place that he was so much happier in.

“Oh, Papa.” Emily sobbed harder, putting her father’s hand up to her face, knowing she would remember how it felt for the rest of her life. Even though she thought her father was so very wrong for neglecting her and Wyatt, she wholly forgave him. He was her father, and she would never deny him the peace she knew he had now. And with that last thought of knowing he was in a pain free, peaceful, beautiful place with her mother, she put her head down on the side of the bed and fell asleep.

Author's Note

Well, I guess I just want opinions? :]

Reviews

[grady sedgwick]

here's a few quick comments for you. toss out anything that doesn't fit.

"One would think having two fully in need children would keep one moving forward." ......... consider changing the second "one" to "a father." improves the flow a little.

"she was even wearing the same dresses her mother had worn because they couldn’t afford to get new ones." .......... hmm, wonder where this is going? almost seems like the is trying to take her mother's place in order to make her father happy.

"The last thing she had said was that she had wanted the beautiful baby boy to be named Wyatt." ......... consider making it a little more obvious that she is saying this to "him," or to "her husband," or to "my father" since the next sentence starts with he. otherwise it's not as clear. was wondering if she was addressing God and the he represented God. just something to consider.

"Emily almost didn’t blame her father, but almost didn’t mean she didn’t." ......... i like the way your worded this.

"Even though she thought her father was so very wrong for neglecting her and Wyatt." ........... consider cutting this. it's been said before and the reader gets it.

okay, finished this one. nice job, good writing and the story held my attention.

best
grady

[Krishna]

Well, in short, I like it. The story is gripping and the use of repetitive elements and imagery well thought out -- they made the whole excerpt easy to visualize and it was almost as if I was there. I do think, however, that your sentences, while refreshingly complex, utilize commas a bit much and a bit too consistently. I would, if I may, suggest that you try using dashes and semicolons a bit more as they add a certain flair that I feel fits your writing style's complexity. Great job and I look forward to reading more! =)