Chapter 5

Chapter Five

 

 

On Thursday, John, Paul, Benny, and David boarded a plane and vanished to a city where they were surely greeted with excitement and euphoria none of us had ever experienced. I went to school.

“So they’re really in LA right now?” Jessica asked. “For an actual audition for an actual club?”

“Uh-huh,” I said, not wanting to talk about it. Or think about it. I focused only on my feet, walking to the bus stop.

“Missing Paul?” Nelson asked.

“No,” I said impassively.

“Liar,” Nelson said, grinning. “Look Jess, she gets all glum when Paul leaves.”

I rolled my eyes, knowing it was better not to react.

“That’s so cute,” Jessica said, pinching my cheek. I swiped her away. “You’re so in love with him.”

“Am not,” I said, well aware of how childish I sounded.

Nelson snorted. “We see straight through you, silly.”

In my mind, I saw Paul, singing his heart out in some fuzzy, ill-defined club, and had to bite the corners of my mouth to hold back the smile threatening to give me away.

“See? She’s smiling!” Nelson teased, poking me in the ribs. I pushed him and while I was distracted, my smile made its escape. Stupid hormones.

“See? I knew it!” Jessica cried. She and Nelson threw their arms around me. I struggled to get away and we started wrestling. I laughed and was actually sort of glad they were there.

We calmed down and continued walking, Jessica’s arm still around me. I put my arm around her.

“So, question,” Nelson said. “What’re you going to do now that they’re gone? After school I mean.”

I shrugged. “Go home. I promised to put up a video of the band on YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook.”

“Ooh, how exciting,” Jessica said.

“Well it’s not like they’re gone forever. I can deal for a few days.”

“Oh yeah, a few days,” Nelson said sarcastically. “And after they ace the audition? After the club hires them? This isn’t just ‘a few days’. The situation is much worse than you think.”

I stared at him, eyebrows raised. “Oh gee, thanks. I feel so wonderful now.”

“Yeah, whatever. The point is, how will you deal?”

“I-I’ll deal,” I said, suddenly uncertain.

“And what does that involve, precisely? Reading Paul’s emails and texts? Writing love poems about him? Watching that video you’ve got over and over and over and over and over-“

“Get to the point please,” Jessica said.

“-and over again?”

“Well thanks,” I said indignantly. “You know, my life hardly revolves around Paul.”

“Uh, yeah it does,” Jessica said. “You know, you could come hang out with us.”

“Yeah, we’ll keep you occupied,” Nelson said. “Distract you from your unrequited love for your boy wonder.”

“Ha ha, funny,” I deadpanned.

“We can come help you put the video up,” Jessica offered. “And then we can just hang at your house.”

“Your mom’s not home, right?” Nelson said. Mom had never been very accepting of Nelson’s obviously gay lifestyle.

“It doesn’t matter because you’re not coming,” I said, knowing full well I wouldn’t be able to stop them. I got on the bus waiting on the corner. Paying and ignoring the two followers on my heels, I sat down. Jessica and Nelson dropped down on the seat beside me.

“And what, pray tell, are you two doing?” I asked.

“Coming with you,” Jessica said.

“Der,” Nelson said.

“Well, yeah, I realized that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I meant why.”

“To hang out, silly,” Nelson said, poking my nose. I wrinkled my brow. “We told you that already. Weren’t you listening?”

“Yeah. And as I recollect, I said no.”

“We weren’t asking,” Jessica said. “More like informing.”

“Oh goodie,” I said, smiling sardonically. “I’m so excited.”

Nelson stared at me.

“What?”

“Well I feel abused.”

“Ignore her,” Jessica said. “She’s just bitter because Paul ditched her.”

Nelson laughed. “We are just so kind to each other.”

“We’re friends,” Jessica pointed out. “What friends are nice to each other?”

“Obviously the ones who are actually invited to their friend’s houses,” I said. “Unlike you guys.”

“You do grasp the fact that once John’s gone, we’re all you’ve got,” Nelson said.

“Shoot me.”

“Do you think they’ll move to LA after high school?” Jessica asked.

“Probably during high school,” I said.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning since John is dropping out, so will Paul, and since Paul will, Benny will too,” I said glumly.

“You really picked an individual,” Nelson said. “Can you promise me something?”

“Depends,” I said.

“Will you please lose your virginity to Paul before he leaves?”

“Well, I can’t make any promises, but…” We all three laughed and giggled and despite my protests, I felt sort of glad to have them along.

The bus pulled up on my block and I led the way off.

“Please, please, tell Paul how you feel about him before he leaves,” Jessica begged, keeping right on my heels.

“No!” I said, heart skipping a beat at the thought.

“Yes!” Nelson mimicked. I shot him a dirty look.

“Why not?” Jessica demanded. “You’ve liked the guy for, what, three years? For god’s sake, isn’t it time for him to be made aware?”

“Yes,” Nelson answered for me.

“I don’t think he likes me,” I said, despising my typical teenage girl uncertainty.

“Oh yeah, that makes sense,” Nelson said. That’s why you’re his best friend and closest confidante. That’s why he wants you around constantly. That’s why he’s always checking to make sure you adore him and find his jokes funny and look up to him. That’s why he used to sneak out every night to see you and spend the night with you.”

“I’ve told you, that wasn’t, like, sexual or anything. It was just a phase he was going through,” I said, jumping immediately to his defense. Though all of my friends knew Paul used to sneak into my room at night, and they all made sex jokes unendingly about it, I had never revealed Paul’s secret. Not even to John, though that had been before Paul and John knew each other.

When Paul was thirteen, a little before I’d met him, Paul’s uncle moved in and his parents were charged with keeping an eye on him. None of the rest of the family would have anything to do with Uncle Nate, but a long time ago, Paul’s dad and Uncle Nate were really close, and he couldn’t turn him away. Nate was suicidal, addicted to drugs and a raging alcoholic, who needed constant supervision. In a way, Paul resembled him, though much younger and slimmer. They had the same eyes, the same shaped face, the same colored hair. Uncle Nate had taken an instant disliking to Paul, which only increased with his stay. Paul, always full of spirit and life and charm, offended Nate and Nate didn’t hide it. He yelled at Paul, ordering him around and cussing him out. Soon, he progressed from words to fists. Every night, after a day spent yelling at Paul and drinking, Uncle Nate barged into Paul’s room and tried to beat him up. His dad and mom protected him, but often they were working late, or traveling, or attending chic work parties. Then Uncle Nate was left to his own devices. He hurt Paul and screamed at him. And Mr. and Mrs. Hofner refused to call the police. It wasn’t difficult to figure out they were ashamed of their relative and unwilling to deal with the trouble he was causing. Their escapism may not have been as drastic as Uncle Nate’s, but, for Paul at least, it was just as dangerous.

Paul was afraid, but he had nowhere to go. Then he met me. And my house, shockingly, became his safe haven. Being in love with him, I put myself in a very welcoming position. And he trusted me. That was how I learned about Uncle Nate. Then he started sneaking into my room at night, climbing the tree outside and slipping in through my intentionally left open window. I learned to let him be during those nights, ignoring the bruises on his arms, wrists and torso, his black eyes and battered face. I just stayed protectively by his side, talking to him about my school and friends and other random pointless topics. He seemed to appreciate it.

Mom found out what was going on, but she let Paul stay, clearly certain nothing sinful was happening. And every time she saw him in the daylight, she pursed her lips and treated him gently. I don’t think he ever forgot that, and that was part of why he allowed her to order him around and demand his respect.

The Hofners must have been relieved he was escaping, but they never mentioned it and Paul never forgave them their abandonment. Neither did I and neither did Mom.

When Paul was fifteen, Uncle Nate overdosed on cocaine. Paul had never snuck to my house again, but he still had the mental scars of those beatings, the most notable being his need to be loved. He craved adoration and affection to a fault, and I knew it stemmed from those years. But because of that, Paul and I were closer than anyone and could rely on each other without any fear of being let down. I loved him, and because of that, I’d always kept his family’s disgraceful secret.

“Come on,” Nelson said, bringing me back to the present. “If he doesn’t like you, he’s a tease.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” I said. “We’re friends. Guys and girls can be friends, you know.”

“Maybe,” Jessica conceded. “But they don’t want to be.”

“I’m not going to tell him I like him,” I said.

“But why not?”

“If he doesn’t like me, then how awkward is our friendship going to be? I’m not ruining our friendship for a stupid little crush.”

“Once again, three years,” Nelson said. “This has become slightly more than a little crush. You’s in love.”

“Whatever, I’m still not telling him.”

Jessica and Nelson exasperatedly gave up. We walked to my house, talking instead about our history project we had to do. Going up the steps onto the front porch of my three story house, I wished it was Paul and John tagging along �" or even better: that I was in LA with them. I grabbed some chips and sodas and we headed upstairs and got on my laptop. I put the video up on John’s MySpace and Facebook, since he was band leader, then on YouTube. His friends on MySpace and Facebook didn’t take long to start leaving comments, most of it huge praise. Girls made barely concealed sex requests and a lot of them asked about Paul and Benny. Even David had a lot of admirers. The people in our town who didn’t already know asked when their next gig was. I posted the date of their next appearance at the Vault, then, for anyone in that area, posted that they were in LA at the moment and would very likely be performing at a club called the Nirvana. I did the same on YouTube. It couldn’t hurt, since lots of people had been discovered on YouTube. Not that them getting discovered was sounding like such a great thing for me anymore.

To my dismay, after only a couple of hours, the offers for dates and sex were piling up. These included men, and plenty of them were eyeing Paul, though David’s moody good looks weren’t ignored. Benny, being small and thin, garnered attention from most of the guys, though. John got the least, as he was taller and sturdier, with an obvious male aura. The girls were more attracted to that than to Benny’s more effeminate body type. I couldn’t wait to ask what the guys thought of their new guy fan base.

“Hey,” Jessica said, looking over my shoulder. “You better get a move on or your boy will get snatched up.”

“Yeah, or turn gay,” Nelson said, admiring the picture of a commenter on MySpace. “Better start puttin’ out.”

“I’d really rather not,” I said, pulling the laptop away from their view.

“Then there’s no hope,” Jessica said, moving to look over my shoulder again. “There’re a lot of hot, easy girls on here.”

“And guys,” Nelson said. “Yum.”

I glared at them. “Thanks guys. Your input is really appreciated. I feel so much better.”

“We’re just telling it like it is,” Nelson said, shrugging. “Do you have any ice cream?”

“Yeah, let me go grab that for you,” I said, rolling my eyes and falling back on my bed.

Leaning over me, Nelson grinned and said, “Do that for Paul and you’ll have him in no time.” I threw my pillow at him and Jessica giggled.

“Wouldn’t it be awesome if you got together with Paul, I got together with John, Nelson got together with Benny and we all went to prom together?” she asked.

I raised my eyebrows at her. “Are you high?”

“Seriously,” Nelson scoffed. “I would much rather go with Jake.”

I wished I had another pillow to throw at him. “That is not what I meant. There are a few holes in your plan, dummy. First of all, Benny’s not gay.”

“You don’t think so?” Jessica asked. “I think he’s a total closet case.”

“Why?”

“He’s way too nice to be straight.”

“Oh yeah, Nelson’s nice. Sure,” I said sarcastically. “And anyway, straight guys can be nice.”

“Name one,” Nelson said.

“Uh, Paul Hofner?”

Jessica and Nelson exchanged glances.

“What would you do if Paul were �"“

“Do not finish that sentence,” I interrupted, heart plummeting. Why did they have to ask that?

“Oh, don’t worry,” Nelson said. “Paul’s an a*****e if I ever saw one.”

He is not,” I said.

“Yeah he is,” Jessica said. I shook my head, deciding it was easier to give up.

“Anyway,” I said, “Benny’s not gay. You don’t know him all that well, but I do. I’d know it if he were gay. And that whole prom thing wouldn’t work because Paul and Benny don’t go to our school and as of Monday, neither does John. They’ll all be way too busy with the band to go to a prom. And I don’t do dresses.”

“You’d look amazing in a dress,” Jessica protested.

“No I wouldn’t. I’m too fat.”

“Oh please,” Nelson said disdainfully. “If you’re fat I should just go jump off a bridge.”

“Please smack him,” I told Jessica.

“No can do. I’ve got a manicure.”

“So speaks the future of our country. We’re screwed.”

 

 

…                     …            …

 

 

 

That night, eating dinner with Mom and Dad, Mom noticed that I was actually home after school and on time for dinner. I hadn’t told her or Dad where the guys were.

“Why weren’t you with your…friends today?”

“They left town,” I said.

“Don’t they have school?” she asked disapprovingly.

I chewed my green beans slowly, trying to figure out the best way to tell her.

“They got their parents’ permission,” I said as obscurely as possible.

“They aren’t with their parents?” she asked sharply. She set her fork down and Dad sat up, raising his eyebrows at me. “Megan, where are they?”

“They, uh, went to LA on Thursday,” I said, stirring my mashed potatoes around my fine china plate. “They’re doing stuff to further their band.” Notice how I tactfully neglected to mention that they were at a nightclub, an illegal act by law and a seriously immoral act in Mom’s mind.

“Oh. They’re still involved in music, then?”

“It’s called a band, Mom. You can say it.”

Her lips tightened. “I was hoping they would have outgrown this childish rebellion attitude by now. I suppose it’s understandable for them to be rowdy and wild, with the sort of upbringing they’ve had, but still, they really should start to grow up.”

I bit my lip, fighting back an irritated retort.

“Why didn’t their parents go?” Dad asked calmly.

“They couldn’t get off work. Maya �" I mean, John’s aunt �" could barely pay for his plane ticket as it is. And Mr. and Mrs. Hofner…well, they just didn’t feel like it was worth taking time off for.” Mom’s eyes narrowed at the mention of the Hofners, as they always did whenever Paul’s parents were mentioned, especially when paired with a remark about their lack of interest in their own son. I was hoping to use this to my advantage. “And anyway, John’s eighteen. He doesn’t need his mommy following him around making sure he’s following the rules.”

“As long as he lives under his parents’ roof, he follows their rules” she said.

“Except, he doesn’t live with his parents,” I said, feeling myself crack. “They ditched him, remember?”

Mom closed her eyes for a moment. “I swear, that boy has been under too many traumas, suffered too many ordeals. It’s a shame he wasn’t taken care of properly. His mother was much too young to have a child and she really dropped the ball. He never stood a chance.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, anger building up.

“I just wish he’d been taught morals, like you were, and that he wasn’t allowed to waste his life away on that ridiculous guitar.”

“He’s not ‘wasting his life away’. He’s trying to do something, be someone.”

“And what is that? A rock star? It’s unrealistic and he will only end up being sorely disappointed.”

“He’s good, you know,” I said. “And it makes him happy. What does it matter if it’s unrealistic?”

Mom sighed. “I thought you knew better, Meg. He’s setting himself up for catastrophe, giving himself false hope. He’s just going to end up like his father, getting some poor girl pregnant and forced into a marriage that can only fail dismally. Then he’ll disappear and leave a child in the same position he’s in right now.”

“You don’t even know him! He’s nothing like his father.”

“He’s headed in the same direction, creating a vicious cycle. It’s inexcusable and he should have learned from his father’s mistakes.”

“He hasn’t done anything his dad did! You’re completely judging him when he hasn’t done anything wrong!”

“Cut it out,” Dad interrupted. “Come on you two, we’re trying to have a nice dinner. Enough arguing and let’s please just continue having our lovely dinner.”

I pushed my plate away. “I’m not hungry.” Standing, I took my plate and started for the kitchen.

“Megan?” Dad said, nodding at Mom.

“Sorry for yelling,” I muttered. “And thanks for dinner.”

As I turned to leave, Mom said, “I forgive you, but hon? If you ever date Jonathan or Paul, I may just disown you.”

Gritting my teeth, I stormed into the kitchen, tossing my plate into the sink and washing it with a vengeance. Then I ran upstairs, wishing I could sneak out to the Vault and be with the only two people I cared about at that moment.

I called Paul instead.

“Hey Meg!” he said brightly, sounding like he was walking on air. “Ready to hear about our incredible, amazing, awesome audition?”

“I hate my mom,” I snarled, pacing my room restlessly. There was a moment of silence.

“Oh no,” Paul said resignedly. “What happened?”

“She’s so stuck up! She acts like you guys are the spawn of the devil. And she talks about John like he’s so beneath us. S**t, I’m going to strangle her if I have to stay here any longer!”

“Meg? Calm down.”

“Do you know what she said?”

“How could I? I’m in LA, remember?”

“She told me she’d disown me if I dated you or,” I grimaced, “Jonathan. F**k I hate her.”

“Jonathan? Your mom is so lame.”

“She is so much worse than lame.”

“Remind me to never ask you out.” I felt sick at that. “Really Meg, calm down. Parents are insane, but they’re not worth freaking out about like this.”

I guiltily remembered Paul’s experience with his parents, but I couldn’t help being selfish just then. “Please Paul, I am begging you to come back as soon as possible. I can’t stand staying here all night.”

“Oh Christ, that’s what I was going to tell you about.” He sounded hesitant.

“What? What do you mean?” No answer. “Paul, please tell me you’re coming back on Monday.”

“Um, surprise! They want us to stay all week.”

“Paul!”

“This is a good thing, Meg. They really liked us. Our audition went fantastically, by the way, thanks for asking.”

Sighing, I sat on my bed. “Oh god, I’m sorry. It must be crazy exciting I’m just being my typical selfish self. Please just ignore me and my bad friend skills.”

“I can’t, I’m talking to you.”

“Ha ha.”

“You should’ve heard us up there. I was really freaked because I knew John was going to forget the words, you know? And I was worried about Benny, because we didn’t really get to rehearse with him much. But it went perfectly. Benny is unbelievable, honestly talented. And John was flawless. He so deserves the spotlight. David got a little off every now and then, and he got all pissy when I mentioned it, but it doesn’t even matter because they thought we were amazing. They liked our music �" kudos to me �" and they totally bought that we were all eighteen �" “

“Even Benny?” I asked.

“Well, okay, no not at all, because he doesn’t look eighteen, but they let us audition anyway. It doesn’t matter because even if we’d admitted we weren’t eighteen we were way too good to pass up.”

“Congrats,” I said sadly. I picked at my thumbnail, hating how unsupportive I was being.

“Meg…”

“Argh! I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. I just miss you guys is all. It sucks here without you.” I wanted to pull my hair out at how whiney I sounded.

“Well it’s just a week. And, you know, Jessica and Nelson are cool, in an annoying kind of way.”

“Not even a comparison,” I said, making a face.

“You know, it’s kind of flattering that you need us.” His voice became fainter. “Did you know Meg needs us, Jonathan?”

“I do not need you,” I protested. He wasn’t listening, just explaining to John what had happened. I glared at the wall, waiting impatiently for him to focus.

“John says he’ll have you if you want him,” Paul informed me, laughing.

“I don’t want him,” I said huffily.

“Sorry John,” he said away from the phone. “Guess she’s a snob.” I made an indignant noise in the pause that followed. “He says screw you.”

I’m going to hang up if you don’t start talking to me,” I threatened.

“Oh hush,” he said unconcernedly. “If you hang up, you’ll just have to go talk to your mom.”

“Whereas you have numerous talking companions. Thanks for reminding me.”

“If you stood up to your mom, you could come and be with us.”

“Have you ever met my mom?”

“Have you ever met my dad?”

“I’ll have you know I stood up for John. You should be glad to have such a loyal friend.”

“I’d be glad to have a loyal friend with me.”

“No matter what I said, Mom would never let me go to LA without her. And if she came, a nightclub would not be in the agenda.”

“What if your dad came?”

“I really don’t know why you think he’s so cool.” Ever since Paul and I became friends, Dad had taken to hanging around my room and reliving his glory days. Then John had arrived. They were the sons he never had, which was really annoying and embarrassing for me. Not that he didn’t love me, but he thought it was cool to have guys around and they both enjoyed the male role model in their lives. And I hated having him around my room. Annoying.

“He’s just…different from my dad, is all,” Paul said wistfully.

Why, because he pays attention to you?”

“And he lets your mom take command. My dad’s such a macho jackass.” That wasn’t true, but I knew he wanted to avoid the topic of his parents’ lack of attention, so I went with it.

“My mom’s the macho jackass.”

He laughed. “If they’d gotten together, who would’ve been on top?”

“Ew, don’t want to think of our parents in the throes of lovemaking. Gross.”

“They’re too dominating to make love. They’d be fu-“

“Stop! This has gone too far!”

A quick, impatient knock made me start.

“Meg?” Mom called through the door. “Is your homework done?”

I made a growling noise in the back throat. “I gotta go,” I told Paul. “The boss is sending me back to hard labor.”

“Lame. Tell her she’s a hardass for me.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

We hung up and I dragged my backpack into my lap. I did my English and Spanish homework, leaving my geometry to be copied from Jessica tomorrow. Only world history was left, but it wasn’t due the next day. No point doing something you could put off till tomorrow. Overachiever I was not.