Little red Suitcase

Based on a brief look at the picture at the picture...

I finally packed it up

While the rain poured outside

I finally got my courage

When it called to me last night

I finally wrote that letter

Time to say goodbye

Leave with my little red suitcase

My new lease on life

 

I finally had enough

Couldn't take it anymore

The pain and the words

That these years I have born

All the black eyes and bruises

Broken bones and your scorn

Leaving with my little red suitcase

My hope reborn

 

I finally decided

I had enough of you

All the pain and tears

You have put my heart through

Time to bid farewell

Start my life anew 

Leave with my little red suitcase 

My relief from the blues

 

I'm standing on this platform

Waiting for my future so bright

No more worrying how much longer

I must suffer my plight

Taking the initiative

To end this endless fight

Leaving with my little red suitcase

The bright spot of my life

 

Ever since I met you

If the world wasn't grey, it was black

But my little red suitcase

Brought the color back

Through the bonds and chains that kept me

It steadily, meticulously hacked

Now my little red suitcase and I

Hear new life chugging down the track

 

And once I'm gone

I'll never look back...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

For a contest to write based on a picture...but only a brief look I glanced at it got my inspiration and wrote.... the picture is the cover art....
I am not letting this be rated.... but would love to know what you would rate it if i were and why you would rate it that so I can build my weaknesses

Reviews

[Adam Jordan Turner]

Hey girl, as a friend I'm going to be honest...I don't think this is actually one of your best pieces. It is a very good piece, however I would actually like it a lot more had I not seen the picture and known it was about that. I think the poem itself does well alone, but based on the picture it's a little cliche. It just seems like everyone may write about the little red suitcase in the pic. The girl in the pic doesn't look like the girl you wrote about. I have trouble making that connection. The girl in the pic looks anxious, like she's waiting, maybe even late for something, be she's looking very well. She doesn't look like someone finally free. So this piece, like I said, I think it would stand very well on it's own, but if is based on the picture my rating probably would not be too high. Maybe 70%. The only reason for that is just the relation between poem and pic. Not the poem itself. Which sucks that that's the case. I guess the best way I can describe it is that the poem seems a little contrived. Like you forced yourself to write something based on the picture, instead of being inspired to write something by the picture. My suggestion would be to keep this one, and see if you can kind of read between the lines when it comes to the pic, write about something other than the suitcase, maybe something other than the girl. See if you can let the pic evoke some sort of feeling from you and write about that.

About the poem itself, it's good, not one of my favs. I guess maybe it could be because I know you and it doesn't seem like an angle you would write on. Running away with your tale tucked between your legs. The poem actually leaves me a little sad, it's like, yea you've finally run away but what have you accomplished? I would have rather seen her have packed that little red suitcase because of all the hurt and the pain and everything going on, and then there be a twist at the end where she actually packed it for him. Now she's finally standing up for herself, standing up for herself by staying, not running. Claiming the life she has and just kicking him out of it, instead of picking up her dignity and jetting. And bare in mind, this is the poem as if unrelated to the pic. Also some of the rhymes, a lot of them, seemed thought about. Good write, but you can do better. Keep working at it!

[The Autumn Faerie]

I know that someday I will be packing up my little red suitcase.
I just hope that I can do it without looking back.
Because looking back will only hold you back...

[Toni Prehoda Kahler]

At first read I thought it flowed rather well in pacing and rhyme, but then I noticed a disharmony between the speaking character, who seems adult, and the repetition of the line, "little red suitcase", which seems imo to come from a child, as does "chugging down the track". Still, I gathered something brave from this work, because anytime one leaves to heal self, it is a strength, not weakness. It seems that it took a lot of preparation to "finally" do all those things that brought you to the tracks. I like the repetition of "I finally" for the emphasis of finality. Leads me to the "I'll never look back" which anchors the ending nicely.

I don't know how to rate this really, but somwhere in high 80's... What if you re-wrote it and refused to allow any rhyming? You could just choose another word for the rhyming words at ends of lines.... Just a thought, I wonder where it would lead you..

Something in this work speaks of courage, of bravery - I am drawn to that. Congratulations on placing in the contest!

[Nicholas Hallows]

Ever since I met you
If the world wasn't grey, it was black
But my little red suitcase
Brought the color back

I really like this poem. I had a look at the photo that inspired it and I think your words create a much deeper and creative picture.

Very well done!

[Clarisse Nanoit]

I ADORE THIS. It's perfect for the guidelines of the contest, as they are stated. All I asked was that the poem/story you chose to write was what YOU thought of when you looked at the picture. I absolutely ADORE the last stanza and the last additional lines. "And once I'm gone/ I'll never look back..." Very strong. Thanks again for entering my contest. Best of luck to you in it!!
KH