FEARLESS

Habitual essays, from a girl named Terror

Fearless

Mirada the Outlaw

December 1st, 1980

(Mirada speaks)

The world is chaos, there is no doubt.  For the many who believe in destiny, they can have the belief that even the smallest of actions is meant to eventually dump you into the grand scheme of everything. Destined for what? to be a victim, to be used until you can no longer give, then robbed, held prisoner, hunted, brainwashed, addicted to drugs or alcohol. Just in time to walk down the aisle of marriage and kids. The world comes down to two beliefs.  Destiny or Chaos, which one guides our actions? Both create a world we are all responsible for. Destiny or Chaos? Is this all random or is it all predestined. Point is the world will eat you alive if you let it. Everybody’s is just waiting to score, looking for a step up and if they don’t have one they will take yours for sure. You can’t trust anyone, no one, not even family. My will to survive is alive and kicking.  If it comes down to me or you, your in trouble because I've been clawing my way to something better since I was seven. I don’t give a f**k about you or yours. I can’t if I am going to survive.

So all you destined souls, seek your grand scheme, leads to marriage, motherhood and live the same for for years if you survive the mundane.  Mostly destined to live in a hell, watch your children inherit your fucked up drug addiction, alcoholism, and destined way of life. Everyday you die a little more reaching for a dream.  Oh, The circle of life continues, gives you just enough hope to hang on to so you keep reaching for something better. Hope, the ego on that b***h. You ever ask a hooker if she believes in destiny or chaos? Ha...ha !  

Destiny, it will always pull you back to the path chosen for you since birth and that is the answer to all of this?  It’s just fucked up, believing in such things will just make living harder. Harder to exist, with the realities that I must settle in my head there is no room for fairy tales.  Chaos is alive and real. It is the only thing that allows the terrible to quiet inside my head. keeps me moving forward and all in. The big gamble, betting it all or nothing, f**k hope. If life is predestined then nothing is a gamble.

At this very moment, I sit in the passenger seat of a stolen car and in the driver seat, my newly wed hubby.  Right, the avalanche that rocked this here foundation. When I was very young, as far back as grade school I decided that I would never marry. It stayed with me up until two days ago and the no’s still continued.  Now here we are, both AWOL from the Army, two states away from our post been gone 10 days and officially broke. When we hit this town, hubby pulls in this dark parking lot he says he needs to think. Yes, life is a dream we must be on the right path. ha!...no f*****g way, chaos is definitely driving this whole scene.  

Two or three blocks before we parked in this church parking lot we passed a liquor store. Sitting silent we have been parked here for at least an hour. Enough, I am done waiting for hubby to think.  You see this quarter, I held up the coin right in front of his face. Heads, I’m gonna rob the liquor store a few blocks away to put us back on the road to bigger and better things. Tails, we use it to make the phone call and every choice will be made for us. Hubby of course frowns a half smile in a huge display of disapproval.  Like that look is going to change anything, I am put off. I hate it when someone looks at me like I need to be saved or something. Okay, he is just not used to my process yet, here goes.

F**k, you! You think I don’t know this will all end badly, I know it will, its my f*****g destiny. Ha….Ha!! Mark my words until it does I am going to live hard and reach far.  A fury is rising from deep inside, whispering in my ear that everybody owes me and I won’t discriminate. Every f*****g body! The only way is to take what I need when I need it. Stay on the run, another town, another highway, another liquor store and it’s all the same f*****g day. Until I find some peace or justice. It’s all the same f*****g day!  It’s all the same f*****g day! Its heads!

                                      

                                                         

                                           

                                                                                                                                                                                   

February 3, 1981 - Madison, Wisconsin

    Never did I imagine the weather in Wisconsin. Why would I? It had never crossed my mind until the states began to grow colder as we made our way. Ba-mm here we are in the heart of a Wisconsin winter. This place is icy cold in f*****g February, strange I don’t think I ever wore a coat after January.  Everything was suspended in a freeze, a bitter touch like the old metal ice trays when they stuck to your fingers. Trudging across a formed glacier with my newfound talent of ice walking. When these multiple layers of an ice field melt if they ever do, I think it’s an old sports field.

 Clearly,I am a long way from home,there is no ice covered fields in Arizona. Ridiculous, my teeth are chattering again, there is no getting warm out here. Picking up the pace, I need to move a little faster. That is if I want to avoid my feet freezing solid but it’s harder to balance. My mind keeps thinking about warm places,summers in Phoenix,campfires and baking cookies. I hate the sensation when your feet go from frozen can’t feel to being warm and alive again. There is almost no insulation in these dumb shoes. Walking fast, I’m practically ice skating in low heels. The look is necessary to achieve that much needed nice girl look. Keeping a low profile, friendly but generic look is very important. You never want people to remember you. You know, for the description later. The plain conservative look which includes no tattoos, no crazy hair or piercings nothing extreme that would stand out. I can change my appearance stripped to a plain look, appearing down right young and innocent. They will give a description that describes most of the young female population.

   Damn,three months ago I was sporting army boots,I missed being a soldier.  The bum,I mean my new hubby,pawned our military gear for a few bucks in some random town long gone somewhere behind us. Man,I don't know what would feel better,outright shooting him or walking in my boots. Of course I’m not going to shoot him, maybe just press the heavy steel against his temple long enough to show him cold.  

   Finally, such joy at the sight of a sidewalk and of course it’s frozen but an easier maneuver than the last glacier. This has not been the ideal route but it is the most unpeople way to go on foot. So no one really notices me coming or going. I could still feel my feet I was keeping a good pace and about to run out of sidewalk. I could see a small shopping mall beginning to emerge on the horizon. It was a very small shopping centre' only about a dozen stores. Nothing like I had shopped in before I was used to bigger malls overrun with stores. Yesterday I walked this very path,so I was familiar with the territory. In one side of the mall and out the other. The opposite side of the mall is a perfect view to the back of the busiest liquor store in town. The mark was within a stone's throw from leaving the mall.  

  A gust of heat to the face hit me as I walked through the doors. I will be at normal body temperature walking through this heated building. Heat is what I know since I grew up in the Phoenix. Temperatures get hot pushing close to 120 degrees you can cook on the sidewalk.  Not that you would want to it's also the desert we got lots of dust. I never realised how different the place I grew up was until I saw other parts of the country. Frozen toes are beginning to thaw they were no longer cold.

 In the store windows were bright with valentine’s and my reflection looks a little to much like Alfred Hitchcock. I am pulling an extra twenty pounds where my flat tummy used to be. My purse was slung across my body kinda like a mailman's bag. This was so I didn't have to fumble to find the gun in my purse, since my arms seemed shorter with the big belly. The whole thing was throwing me off, I didn’t want my current state turning some Humpty Dumpty klutzy moves. The doors leading out were straight ahead I slid my hand into my purse touching the cold steel, I like it easy to reach. making sure the I could I had no problems and I was good.  

  The bum is sitting in a warm car,I mean my hubby is parked and waiting about a half mile from here. Bum,hubby,I don’t care I’ve decided he is out at the next rest stop. It doesn't matter if he is the father of the baby, she won’t need a father anyway. My mother supplied me with two father’s and I would rather have none. What kind of father would he make anyway. Things really have changed,he does not have the same enthusiasm as he did in the beginning. So things are no longer pure excitement and he doesn't have the stomach for the hard stuff. Were still on the run, that’ hasn’t changed but this whole thing is changing one of us because I have actually thought about shooting him more than once, actually I've thought about shooting him a lot.  

  The fairly large,no drive through, just your average, run of the mill walk-in liquor store. Family owned and has been here forever. It is Sunday morning the store opens at 11:00 just one guy on till 5 pm. The sweet thing in the mix here,they make their bank deposit on Monday morning. Which means all business for Friday,Saturday is stacked and ready to deposit. Quick was the key,a wham b-am thank you young man operation. Shocking, the serious amount of information you can get out of a square, after a few drinks and a flash of the big baby blues. The essential part is to always keep things seemingly innocent, just random pieces of a conversation right.  Someday,somehow he might put all the pieces together but not today.

  The tiny bell at the top of the door chimed, announcing my arrival. The step into a warm environment. I could smell coffee and my stomach starts growling. Seriously I can't stop eating all I think about is food. I have the nose of a Toucan Sam and the appetite of a working man. Damn,I have to focus. This wasn't my first visit to the liquor store but the kid behind the counter has never seen me before. Of course I had the place down cold and it was just as I told you.  Nothing fancy,small town designs and simple people rules.

   The young man working, was deep into the newspaper,barely looked up to say hello. He was a blonde kid, tall,thin and very young. He had the right idea about dressing,he was layered in flannels. Damn,I think I will demand one of those when I’m robbing him. My hand reached to feel the gun one last time, it’s a confidence thing. In the store there was only one phone located on the wall just behind the counter an easy reach for employees. There was no back door, the only other door was next to the phone it leads to a small office.  No back door narrows the field of complications. Things were looking good this should be like shooting fish in a barrel. Ha,there is no need for shooting, most of the time these schmucks just hand it over and I’m out the door. Two weeks ago I robbed my first liquor store when hubby was contemplating turning us in. Now, this sort of thing can run your adrenaline 200 miles an hour and I like it, buts it is not for everyone. My driver (yes, I like that better than any of the names I have called him) did nothing but wait and drive. He was like a spider on a hot plate. Shocked me I didn't think that he lacked grit being special forces and all. First thing, take care of the phone. I already locked the front door when I came in, the kid hadn't been paying attention, “excuse me Mr could I use your phone”. I was behind the counter as he pointed to the wall and nodded.  

Still mesmerised over something on the front page of the paper. Hard to believe anything exciting happened in this town. I made the quick trick of a phone call of course it was a rotary dial,faking it not a tough sale. With my back to him I pulled out my pocket knife,cut the phone cord and hung up the receiver.  

 As I was reaching to hang up the phone,I made a wincing moan,bent and put my left hand towards my overgrown stomach. Right hand on the gun. The kid quickly raised his head and then practically jumped forward taking a step towards me, like a Jack-in-the-box set free. Waiting for the moment until he was just outside arms reach. I pulled out Smith and Wesson, 36 chief’s special blued .38. I love a six shooter and mine was serious business. Now, everybody has their preferences about what you say when your robbing some square. I like to keep it simple and I don't want to be remembered, right. Most of these guys start talking to Jesus when I'm holding all the power. Simple, standing as if i'm ready for war I looked the kid in the eyes to get my true meaning across “I’m here for the cash, don’t do anything threatening or I'll send you to Jesus.”  

 The swiftest hardest kick caught my kidney,humph a little harder and back to the front of my stomach. What timing this little one has,glancing down at my stomach,I was watching the alien shape move and settle. This will not phase me,I have to stay hard or we will never make it. F**k,oh my god what a mind f**k.

  Hey,I never lost sight of the kid and I held the gun steady, I am consumed with determination as well as newly found motherhood. He didn't bother with any objections, the money was at the end of the counter on a shelf under the register. I had him put the bags on the counter and slide them over. There were four instead of two,I stuffed the four bags into my mail carrier slash purse. The cold weather was no joke I had him put both flannels he was wearing on the counter. Locked the the kid in the small office by jamming through the frame with a huge screwdriver. Quick to exit I am twice as happy with four bags instead of two. It could mean nothing but I think we just hit the jackpot. You gotta love the blonde, skinny very young man in Madison, Wisconsin. With no protest he did everything I asked and his flannels made all the difference. The freezing little city in Wisconsin finally enters the rear view mirror.

                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                                                                                              

February 4, 1981-Champagne, Illinois

 I love my car. I asked for red,freeborn red with black interior. I got a silver with black interior,1981 Toyota Celica GT 5 speed. Well, I might use “my car” a scant too loosely. This little coupe is easy on the gas and love to fly. Southern chivalry however has me riding shotgun as the trusted navigator.

One little Y chromosome and the world is yours.  

 The last site of a city flew by as distant lights in the dark, we passed Chicago about two hours ago. It was late on the road, no traffic, no city lights yet and we were flying. Flying was putting it mildly the bum was driving just a few cents over 100. We hit an off ramp blew a four-way stop and sure enough we got Johnny law right on our a*s. He pulled in real close and personal. Adrenaline is like a drug, it surges the body in a rush putting  everything in a kind of super awareness. If you fight it, if you don’t let it have control the result is anxiety and hesitation. My driver is always fighting to keep some kind of control, he is just not capable of embracing it like I do.

He was trying to keep his composure as the world just changed it course with bright red lights. The bum started losing it, blaming me I was the b***h who needed a bathroom and I did,you ever sit in a car for hours with 20 plus pounds pushing on your bladder. The problem of both of us being fugitives in a stolen car. I'm still gonna call it my car.  

 The bum he looks over at me,touches my stomach and slows down. He pulled over before the next ramp back on the freeway. Watching over the seat,I watched through the back window. I kept thinking it can’t end this way,it will end when I decide, right. Here he comes,looking as impressive as I pictured he would. The all around employee of the month,like he just stepped out of the picture. Perfectly ironed uniform with everything so shiny. He walked to the driver’s window and looked in the car. The love of my life,rolled down the window as he watched him walking up in his side mirror, he actually looked real calm. I'd be lying if I said this moment wasn't loaded like a straight shot of Adrenalin. Reaching and holding on to calm was a real hard piece of work.  

 The simple things,I see the man sitting beside me as a bum and my newlywed husband. To the rest of the world he is charming,especially when he turns on his southern hospitality. He handed the policeman his military I D,neither of us has a drivers license. The cop barely looks at the ID. All he sees is the military and he gets real nice. A conversation starts, to hear it you would have thought these two were distant family finally getting to meet.

Oh, here it comes, a bunch of awe shucks and some damn straights. Which lead  to our remaining at large. The cop gave the bum back his ID, tells him to find a motel, get some sleep and to go look for Uncle Cy’s place in the morning. Good old uncle Cy and we were headed back onto the freeway. Driving away from a police officer in a stolen car and both of us are fugitives. Now, if that doesn't get your heart racing nothing will.  

 Liquor stores have been safe since we left Madison,we still had some of the money but it burns fast. One day away from Virginia, we have people there. A nice place on the beach and a break from the road. In the meantime I need a

bathroom and an easy mark.

                                                                                                                   

                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                                              

February 5, 1981-Indianapolis, Indiana  ( the outskirts )

 I can do this thing, I have an ability to move around people in a busy situation,in an ordinary place and I go unnoticed. I’m always going through the door screaming “do not enter”,you know the employee's only one. Restricted,is just begging me to take a peek.  See what’s behind the scenes. People,the ones that are allowed in, don’t care or it doesn't matter. Anonymity,is me. You could see Indianapolis shaping up in the distant lights. We found a small diner on the outskirts. This place was hopping,waitress’s moving fast, the smell of fried food. French fries, burgers and fried chicken. It hit before the door shut behind me, my stomach rumbled and I was instantly hungry. I was just coming in to use the restrooms,but the smell of the food was so inviting I temporarily suspended thought. Finally I made my way back to the restrooms and there was actually a line. I hate waiting in lines, I just can’t do it politely. Truth of is,I feel like I should not be included in the whole waiting and taking turns thing since I started school. From where I stood about 6 feet away were double doors to the kitchen. Waitresses pushing through with trays, busboys heaving tubs of dirty dishes. They would push through on the right and come out on the left. Some kind of system to divert crashes. I watched another waitress push through writing and talking, right behind her a busboy and right behind me another bus boy. The restroom that is what I eventually found. A walk past the cooks, dishwashers tossing up plates and a lot of hustle dodging and weaving of staff. I slipped right past all of them and found the restroom at the end of a hall near the back door.  

 You could not help looking into the office as you came out of the restroom. Manager the door claimed with a sign and a smaller sign below stating “keep door closed”. I had already assessed the office down to the chairs, scattered papers,old coffee cups and the bank deposit bags pushed to the corner of the desk. Three of them most likely because it was Sunday maybe he missed a day or divided things by shift. I really didn’t care,I already had the three bags in my generic mail carrier type bag. These were heavier than the liquor store bags,that can only be a good thing. My only goal now was to get out the same as I got in unnoticed. Now, back the way I came, never try to exit a back door you not familiar with there are too many alarms. The noise of clanking plates and shouts regarding food was at its height as I passed  waitresses buzzing over and grabbing food. beyond that I could see one of the cooks was not wearing all white like the others. A very nice dress shirt,maroon colour his sleeves rolled up to the elbow and a large white apron. The place was still hopping and he was regulating the flow of food yelling names and expediting. A manager intently helping his workers in the busiest of times. Staff was moving fast it was a beautiful rhythm the way they moved in and out the double swinging doors.

 I remained unnoticed merging in behind a busboy as he headed back to the tables. The busboy looked up and smiled as I walked around him and looked back. I passed the short line of women waiting for the restroom.

It doesn't pay to stand in line, that's for sure. When I got back to the front door I stopped at the counter and gave the hostess my name for the table wait. 20 minute wait,I should have given my name on the way in. Dinner was the most amazing hamburgers with fries and lemon meringue pie. So good, it's one of those moments that rolls by not like the rest its gonna stay with you. Next, stop Virginia and liquor stores in the area are safe tonight.

Reviews

[wordman]

i loved miranda the out law,loved the way you presented it