Dawn

Stream of consciousness writing about my morning ritual.

I watched the Sun rise on Jupiter,

Stealing it’s thunder

With a soft orchestra-- 

Played out on bars of clouds.

An ink black sky that wrings out

Staining the trees, houses, and streets

Before drawing on the burning end of a cigarette 

Smokey pastel blues rimmed with sweet orange sherbet.

The clouds chant in whispers

Soft sweeps of ashen grey

To gentle plumes of mauve--
A bud in steady bloom.

It’s a drawn out interlude,

and Jupiter stands valiantly

still, a narrowing beacon 

oblivious to the rumblings,

of a bold crescendo.

It’s too far away to hear the rise

Of a lone bird singing out

A lone flute player on a still field

Left to imagination and lost in the ink.

Another calls back it’s acceptance 

Of a coming battle. And as if inspired

Farther out, more flute players join in.

Calling and responding in habitual acceptance

Rise the horns and trumpets

Of late to rise ducks and geese.

Building with drummer boys,

As car tires join to beat the pavement

But, there is Jupiter pencil thin, 

And only now 

Does it’s light waver

Against a baby blanket sky--

Of robins egg, white sage, and plush yellow.

The bars strike violently with searing pink bellies

Pealing up and splitting to lay bare 

It's vibrant salmon flesh, boldly exposed

to tongues that bake and pale it.

Jupiter-- the silent spectator,

 Fading like a long gone stars

Aware only now 

of what dawn brings,

As nights stain washes away into inky drains

against a violent eruption of neon yellow 

Flashing, blinking and struggling for life

like signs of the red light district.

Peaking, before an abrupt fall to

mauves and ashen paper.

It's burnt down tot he filter,

And the familiarity of the day

stretches back into existence.

The battle cry of life springs forward

Dawns song abruptly curtained

In a crashing cacophony of nonsense

Seemingly so natural and strangely unpleasant.

As cool air gets thick with heat,

The noise only absently made

As the birds shrink away from the bursts and buckshot

Of people shouting and car stereos blaring.

Jupiter falls lost in the boldness of day,

it's light snuffed by screeches and scrapes.

Overcome, by the brash happenings

Unavoidable and inevitable.

And only now with the light of day

Do I remember Jupiter

But, only now

Do I feel Jupiter

And the absence of dawn.

Author's Note

It's been a while since I have written anything. But, in my morning ritual of watching the sun come up, I was so struck by the sky today that I couldn't help but, write what I was seeing. It needs some serious help, so any help is nice-- just please, constructive criticism. I am not putting this up as a final draft-- It's still baking and I need your help to turn up the heat.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed how you used words and thoughts. Create a masterpiece of thoughts and visions for the reader.
"The battle cry of life springs forward
Dawns song abruptly curtained
In a crashing cacophony of nonsense
Seemingly so natural and strangely unpleasant."
The above lines. Amazing. I could write a epic poem from. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[SheepishScoop]

Thank you, I look forward to reading your work now :).

[Coyote Poetry]

I did enjoy the poem and you are welcome.

[thecavaliar]

Quote from review by HansJizzy. ('Well,your head in comparison to your body is f*****g gigantic... you look like Giada 'whats her name?'')

Ignore the guy, both your head and you poetry are good, never mind what that rude person HansJizzy says.

[Daniel Valentine Rivera]

Such a stunning poem. Your use of imagery is incredible. "As nights stains washes away into inky drains" Pure genius! I noticed your profile has only this poem. I would love too read more from you.

[Davidgeo]

It's really very good. Tracking Jupiter's procession through our sky like that is a pretty cool idea. I like the battle imagery and analogy.

The two words "habitual acceptance", nice, it's a theme you can find in most of my work. So, I'm probably overvaluing your use of it here.

You have some dog s**t in there too...

"Building in body like aging wine" What? No... non sense. Replace that with something that makes visual sense.
Actually, that's kind of it for the dogshit.

Hmm. Good job.

By the way, you're pretty hot so I don't mind saying this, your head in comparison to your body is f*****g gigantic... you look like Giada 'whats her name?'. It doesn't make you less attractive at all... a sexy bobble head is still sexy. Ah. That made me laugh, but, I do realize I probably shouldn't have said it. And I'm okay with that.

[SheepishScoop]

It's funny, you picked out one of the lines where I absolutely was at a loss for what I was seeing! Thank you though for the criticism, I'll work on an appropriate change.

As for the shared themes, I now look forward to reading some of your work :D.

And for the comment on my appearance, I don't believe in limiting speech-- you could have called me all sorts of nasty things, but, my reply would be the same: Thank you for speaking your mind and sharing your thoughts.

[Davidgeo]

I wouldn't have said it if you weren't objectively attractive. In reality it's a compliment through a minor insult. I don't apologize.

[SheepishScoop]

Never apologize for having a voice. Thank you for the compliment and help, all the same :).

[Davidgeo]

I didn't ya jerk off....

[Davidgeo]

I apologize for calling you a jerk off.

[Gee]

Good afternoon Jizzy,hope you're well.

[Davidgeo]

Please don't troll me on other people's work. This person has nothing to do with me or whatever your problem is with me. Please respect the spirit of what I am trying to express. Be a better person...

[SheepishScoop]

I know you didn't apologize, it was just a comment of encouragement. Er, my way of complimenting.read moreI know you didn't apologize, it was just a comment of encouragement. Er, my way of complimenting.

Let me reword-- Thank you for not apologizing for having a voice.

Apologies for not making that statements intention, initially, unclear.

[Gee]

Jeepers Jizz,were you visited by some sort of fair minded spirit last night.Look back over your reviewing technique this last week or so.As for trolling,you comment,I'll comment back,if you're being overly abrupt,rude,(which you see as open/honest)then surely you expect the same in return.As I said yesterday some of your reviews amuse me,others are ,to the meaker souls on this site,distressing.As for me,I know I lack in the art of poetry,but it passes time.Your comments bother me not,believe me.You do however leave yourself wide open for a bit of back and forth banter.Anyway,as I said earlier,good afternoon Jizzy,I hope you are having an enjoyable day.

[SheepishScoop]

Side note: If you were calling me a jerk off-- I am unsure-- I love that colloquial, though I personally use its cousin "Jerk wad" in the day to day, haha.

[Davidgeo]

We must break this circle of apology, it's hurting my mind.

I guess I have to warn people now, ugh. I have a fan club, and they are very f*****g angry with me. If you interact with me or my work you might get some of that lovely anger on your page.

[SheepishScoop]

It's welcomed :).
I am enjoying reading your work too much.
One last step in the circle though: Thank you for the warning.

[Davidgeo]

Anytime doll face

[??????]

I really enjoyed your write. It was felt as a story but I feel all poetry is a story. Yes always go with what you see that is the beauty of it all:) I don't see you need any heat on this write. But that is just me and me alone.

[SheepishScoop]

Thank you so much! It is definitely in a narrative style, I hope that doesn't detract from the form.

[??????]

Your very welcome and no not at all:)