Chapter 1-Into the Woods

The pale, white ground was cold, tingling her bare feet. Tall, spiky trees loomed above her, casting dark shadows in the area. The girl hugged herself, rubbing her arms together. She trudged through the rough terrain, as her eyes constantly darted around for any sign of another person. Looking up, she caught glimpses of warm orangey light peeking through the dense canopy. The girl fiddled with the necklace she was wearing, turning the black as ink gem between two fingers.

Her name? A mystery. Where she was, how she got here, how she would get out, her friends, her home, her family, if she would get back to her normal life, if she’d remember anything about who she was.

A total mystery.

But there was one thing-a teensy memory, dancing in the back of her mind.

There was a…a bed, and a… wooden table-no-side table with the square paper thing…the book which rested on it. Along with… a voice, rough around the edges, but still sweet as honey.

She couldn't remember what it was saying, but it had to be good. Why else would it make her feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

When I get out of here, I can go back to the room with the bed, the book, and the wonderful voice. Then, I’ll remember everything and it’ll be a-okay.

She smiled at the thought.

The wind whipped at her tattered dress, its cold blades slicing at her skin. Still, she pushed forward, squeezing her eyes shut to avoid them being pelted by the tiny daggers. After the howls of the wind died down, she opened her eyes again, rubbing the snowflakes off of them. In the corner of her eye, she noticed something red flash by her.

She let out a gasp.

Someone is here too! She thought, following the direction of where they went. They’ll be able to help me!

She was right behind them now. Their back was covered by a long red cape and they had a hood over their head.

The girl waited, until she was satisfied with how close she was, and exclaimed.

“Hello!”

The person flinched and ran away.

“H-hey, wait up!”

She dashed after them.

They swiftly dodged branches and trees as she followed them, almost stumbling on her own feet.

The stranger made a sudden turn, causing the girl to skid to a stop and fall.

Why did they run away? Was it something I said?

She picked herself up, and dusted the snow off her dress. The girl continued walking in the mysterious person’s direction.

The girl followed the fresh footprints like a trail of breadcrumbs. She seemed to walk deeper into the woods. The dimming light casted shadows that littered the forest floor. An eerie silence of the night was broken only by her breathing. Despite this, she casually strolled by the imposing trees as if it was a normal thing for children to do.

Finally, the footprints led to a small clearing. She peeked behind a tree to see the red-hooded stranger slowly walking in it. She stepped closer and was about to call out to them when…

Clank!

Crunch

The girl jumped a little, and she covered her ears. She looked back up to see the person on their knees, their body shaking a little. They inched toward the tree behind them, and rested their back against the trunk.

She watched as they struggled to pull something off their leg. The girl tried approaching them, to get a better look.

Snap

She looked down to see a small twig broken in half.

The stranger’s head shot up to where she was standing.

“W-who’s there!” They barked, fumbling to grab something. “I-I know someone’s there!”

The girl put her hands to her mouth when they pulled out a crossbow with a sharp arrow loaded in it, pointing in her direction.

“Show yourself now. I won’t hesitate to shoot.”

She gulped, creeping closer to them.

Fiddlesticks.

Reviews

[JayG]

In this you’re mentally watching the film version and transcribing the dialog. But...

No one hesitates or rehrases. No one thinks over what’s said before replying. No one changes expression, or in any way acts human.

For you, who visualize the scene as you read the words, it works, of course. But from a reader’s viewpoint?

1. Where are we in time and space? Unknown other than that the female is with a daughter of unknown age.
2. They have no names. Who cares about people not important enough have names?
3. At the end of the 238 word chapter we’re halfway down the second standard manuscript page. And what’s happened? A mother read has previously read three unknown stories to a child who says she wishes she could be in a fairytale. So...there’s been no scene-setting, no character development, and no plot movement that the reader sees as that.

Given that, what is there about this section that will make the reader WANT to know more? As Sol Stein put it: “A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.”

My point: You're telling the reader what they would hear, were they outside the window, listening. Informative? Yes, but you're not involving the reader who wants to be entertained, not informed. Readers want to be made to feel that they’re living the events, not hearing about them secondhand. They want to be made to care and feel. Nonfiction tells the reader that the character cried. Fiction? It gives the reader reason to weep, which is a learned skill.

Here’s the deal: like most hopeful writers you’re transcribing yourself telling the reader a story. But that is the single most common trap in writing, because it brings with it problems that are invisible to the writer but not the reader.

1. Storytelling is a performance art, where HOW you tell the story matters as much as what’s said, because the storyteller is replacing all the actors on the screen, the scenery, and more. But, you’re not there, and you’ve given the reader the storyteller’s job—without making them know HOW to perform it.

Sure, when you read it the performance is there. Your voice is alive with the emotion the reader can’t know to place there. For you there are gestures, body language and more.
2. Because you know the story before you begin reading, plusmthe characters and their backstory, as you write, you’ll leave out things obvious to you, but that the reader needs, like where we are, what’s going on, and whose skin we wear.
3. Because you’re not yet aware that a scene on the page is very different from one on screen, you’ll not make use of things like the short-term scene-goal, nor, end each scene in disaster, as it must.

And since you have all the information the reader lacks there are no problems...for you. So it’s not a matter of talent, or how well you write. It’s that like almost all of us, you left your school years confident that the skill we call writing is universal to all applications, and so, you need a good story idea, a knack for storytelling, and a bit of luck.

And because the pros make it seem effortless, we forget that Commercial Fiction Writing, like any-other-profession, has a body of skills and specialized knowledge that’s necessary. So when things don’t work as well as we hope, we assume that the problem lies within us.

But it doesn’t. We forget that talent isn’t a magical thing that eliminates the need for study. It’s the ability to learn the subject more easily, and use the tools more efficiently. But...can we use the tool that we don’t know exists?

The answer is simple: Add the missing tools and knowledge to your existing writing skills, practice them to perfection, and there you are.

To help, I suggest you begin with Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s a warm easy read, and an excellent source of the skills that will make your words sing to the reader. I'm betting that as you read you’ll often find yourself saying, “So THAT’s how they do it. How could I have not seen it, myself?”
https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Milky]

Thank you for the review :D
Ill be sure to keep this in mind when I go back to revise :>