Imminent - Edited

I stand here,

Hands on my hips,

Gazing up at the clouds,

The bright blue sky,

The dazzling sun,

I listen to the birds,

Their quiet song merging

With the rushing wind,

Dandelions at my feet,

Swaying in the harsh breeze,

A chill runs up my spine,

The air around me cools,

As more clouds enter the scene,

Blocking out the sun's light,

Darkening the valley

And everything inside it,

The wind blows stronger,

Sending dandelion fluff

Spinning uncontrollably through the air,

The birds' song stops,

And they take to their wings,

Struggling to free themselves

Of the tangled tree branches,

I watch a plume of smoke,

Rise from the ground on the horizon,

It levels out and begins to move,

Tumbling over itself at a slow crawl,

Eating up everything

That dares cross its path,

Becoming larger,

Thicker,

Faster

With every jagged movement,

Across the uneven ground,

It's a thick mass of agony,

A spiraling whirlwind of desperation,

A whispered torment,

I flick the wisps of hair from my face,

Spinning around with my arms spread wide,

Balancing in the wind,

And I run,

I run from the ever disappearing valley,

From the darkening smog,

But it catches up;

An overwhelming sense of despair,

I crash to the ground,

Clawing at loose rocks,

Grabbing at dry earth,

I take hold of a patch of grass,

Clench it tight in my fist,

A sliver of hope,

Makes its way into the dread

The despair,

The anguish,

I pull on the grass,

Try to get to my feet,

And these single green blades,

That I clasp in my hands,

Turn to a liquid,

Seep through my hands,

And hit the ground

With a sizzling hiss,

Now I'm completely engulfed,

Overwhelmed by the unearthly substance,

As dirt is kicked up,

Strewn around,

Controlled by an impetuous,

Contaminated fog,

All hope vanishes,

The darkness surrounds me,

Creeps into my soul,

Filling every nook,

Every cranny,

Of my mind -

Darkness

Author's Note

I'm debating taking out all the commas, so I was thinking of having a vote; yes, or no? ... or some of them :P

Reviews

[Chip]

I agree with BLBrown, I think there needs to more pain, to me that's what makes good poems. But in saying that, it is much better than your original which I reviewed. This one if more tense.

I don't think you should remove the commas as they create the tension and help build the image better.

[BLBrown]

Ahhhh...nicely done! You have made this more vibrant, richer, fuller, louder, so much dispair, fear and loss. I can feel it now:

With every jagged movement,
Across the uneven ground,
It's a thick mass of agony,
A spiraling whirlwind of desperation,
A whispered torment,
I flick the wisps of hair from my face,
Spinning around with my arms spread wide,
Balancing in the wind,
And I run,

I am still looking for my fear, fear in your heart, in your very soul. And I'm looking for more pain if that's where you want to go...what do you feel physically as it enters you? "Filling every nook, every cranny, of my mind," so tell me how that feels physically. Is it scorching? Is it tearing you up inside? Is your very soul being crushed? ...depends on how far you want to go...but if this is a competitive group I'd make it stand out more in these ways.

Also, instead of "the darkness surrounds me," I'd say "the blackness.." then use the word "darkness," as your final powerful word.

I vote to lose the commas. You can also consider using all lower case to reduce the feeling of segments, achieving one single flow of words.

I'm happy to look at it again if you want.