Imminent

Somethings you can't fight, you can't control, they're going to happen no matter what you do, no matter what you try, no matter what you think.

I stand here,

My hands on my hips,

Gazing up at the clouds,

The bright blue sky,

The dazzling sun,

I listen to the birds,

Their quiet song merging

With the rushing wind,

Dandelions at my feet,

Swaying in the harsh breeze,

Then more clouds enter the scene,

Blocking out the sun's light,

Darkening the valley

And everything inside it,

The wind blows stronger,

Sending dandelion fluff

Spinning uncontrollably through the air,

The birds' song stops,

And they take to their wings,

Struggling to free themselves

Of the tangled tree branches,

I watch a plume of smoke,

Rise from the ground on the horizon,

It levels out and begins to move,

Tumbling over itself at a slow crawl,

Eating up everything

That dares cross its path,

Becoming larger,

Thicker,

Faster

With every jagged movement,

Across the uneven ground,

I flick the wisps of hair from my face,

Spinning around with my arms spread wide,

Helping balance in the wind,

And I run,

I run from the ever disappearing valley,

From the darkening smog,

But it catches up;

An overwhelming sense of despair,

I topple to the ground,

Clawing at loose rocks,

Grabbing at dry earth,

I take hold of a patch of grass,

Clench it tight in my fist,

A sliver of hope,

Makes its way into the dread

The despair,

The anguish,

I pull on the grass,

Try to get to my feet,

And these single green blades,

That I clasp in my hands,

Turn to a liquid,

Seep through my hands,

And hit the ground

With a sizzling hiss,

Now I'm completely engulfed,

All hope vanishes,

The darkness surrounds me,

Creeps into my soul,

Filling every nook,

Every cranny,

Of my mind -

Darkness

Author's Note

Please be harsh!! I'm trying to get into a high school for the arts and need everything to be really good. Of course any feed back would be greatly appreciated, but the more advice the better.

Reviews

[Monica]

I will start by saying good luck to you, I truly hope that you are accepted into the high school for arts...although, from my point of view, luck won't be necessary. :) You are quite talented and even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you for pursuing your passion...always follow your heart and you will find your way.

I enjoyed your poem very much. It is well written and flows beautifully. The title is a perfect match to your words. You created such vivid imagery and emotion. It is a beautiful poem!

I would leave out the first "My" in "My hands on my hips,"

"Helping balance in the wind,"...this line could maybe read, balanced in the wind or balancing in the wind...I'm just not sure of the word helping in that line.

Overall, I don't really see much that I would change.
I love your form, imagination and writing talent :)

[Frankie]

Beautiful, yet haunting. Your words flow smoothly and make so much sense, and have the reader staring wide-eyed at the screen, (at least I was!) The mystery behind it really captures what I think you wanted to, and I love the way you wrote it. Well done, good luck, and I hope you get in! :)

[Cathy Wattam]

Firstly, good luck. This is a good poem, strong theme, good flow, great imagery. I would personally lose the commas as I feel they detract from the flow of the poem. They are not necessary.

Secondly, I would start by saying "I stand here with hands on my hips".

Thirdly, "Spinning around with my arms spread wide, Helping balance in the wind," -I would add "Helping to balance in the wind".

Other than those (and I'm really just being picky), it is a very good poem and luck shouldn't come into it. Well done!

[Distant horizons]

Very well done. You seem to be on a bit of a nature roll today, with this one being a little bit more in depth with twists and turns i didnt see coming. I love the fact you use nook and cranny, originally scottish words :-)
The tempo of this is really well done with the pace becoming almost frenzied toward the end, with a wonderful climax. Excellent.