Imminent

Somethings you can't fight, you can't control, they're going to happen no matter what you do, no matter what you try, no matter what you think.

I stand here,

My hands on my hips,

Gazing up at the clouds,

The bright blue sky,

The dazzling sun,

I listen to the birds,

Their quiet song merging

With the rushing wind,

Dandelions at my feet,

Swaying in the harsh breeze,

Then more clouds enter the scene,

Blocking out the sun's light,

Darkening the valley

And everything inside it,

The wind blows stronger,

Sending dandelion fluff

Spinning uncontrollably through the air,

The birds' song stops,

And they take to their wings,

Struggling to free themselves

Of the tangled tree branches,

I watch a plume of smoke,

Rise from the ground on the horizon,

It levels out and begins to move,

Tumbling over itself at a slow crawl,

Eating up everything

That dares cross its path,

Becoming larger,

Thicker,

Faster

With every jagged movement,

Across the uneven ground,

I flick the wisps of hair from my face,

Spinning around with my arms spread wide,

Helping balance in the wind,

And I run,

I run from the ever disappearing valley,

From the darkening smog,

But it catches up;

An overwhelming sense of despair,

I topple to the ground,

Clawing at loose rocks,

Grabbing at dry earth,

I take hold of a patch of grass,

Clench it tight in my fist,

A sliver of hope,

Makes its way into the dread

The despair,

The anguish,

I pull on the grass,

Try to get to my feet,

And these single green blades,

That I clasp in my hands,

Turn to a liquid,

Seep through my hands,

And hit the ground

With a sizzling hiss,

Now I'm completely engulfed,

All hope vanishes,

The darkness surrounds me,

Creeps into my soul,

Filling every nook,

Every cranny,

Of my mind -

Darkness

Author's Note

Please be harsh!! I'm trying to get into a high school for the arts and need everything to be really good. Of course any feed back would be greatly appreciated, but the more advice the better.

Reviews

[Monica]

I will start by saying good luck to you, I truly hope that you are accepted into the high school for arts...although, from my point of view, luck won't be necessary. :) You are quite talented and even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you for pursuing your passion...always follow your heart and you will find your way.

I enjoyed your poem very much. It is well written and flows beautifully. The title is a perfect match to your words. You created such vivid imagery and emotion. It is a beautiful poem!

I would leave out the first "My" in "My hands on my hips,"

"Helping balance in the wind,"...this line could maybe read, balanced in the wind or balancing in the wind...I'm just not sure of the word helping in that line.

Overall, I don't really see much that I would change.
I love your form, imagination and writing talent :)

[Tomislav Petricevic]

Beautiful imagery! The tension could be felt throughout the whole poem.
I don't have anything to object. :D

[Buniheart]

I really like how its a poem, but at the same time a story. The best of both worlds :)

[CollapsedThoughts]

Beautifully written :)

[SlightlyOdd]

This almost seems more like a story than a poem. The perspective is nice but altogether i think that it reminds me of someone trying to hard to make poem out of a story i apoligize if i was harsh the only reason i commented on this is because you do have talent and i do hope you get in it had all the elements but i guess it wasn't coming together for me others may disagree and you do not have to take my opinions into account over all it was a decent poem it came really close though

[Aehr]

First and foremost, good luck for the academy. secondly, thee poem is well - described, it has a really nice tale to tell and the feel was great

the only advice I have for you is to practice more and more as that's the best thing you can do to improve, as you say...

Good Luck again
Rhea

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Let me say that you are EXTREMELY talented for any age, but the fact that you are so young is astounding! You are the very type of artist that any high school of the arts would crave. You are a creative writing teacher's dream! I could gush on, and although it would be genuine....enough said.
You asked for suggestions:
"I stand here,
hands on my hips,
Gazing up at the clouds,
The bright blue sky,
The dazzling sun," I don't feel that you need to say "I stand here" "I stand" is more powerful and equally conveys the message. I find the "my...my" in the next line repetitive and would take out the initial "my". Would you consider in line 3 just "gazing at clouds"? the " up" is not necessary in my opinion. I also have a sense that the next two lines might be reversed and add "a", such as "the dazzling sun in a bright blue sky" possibly.
Only one other thing
"Darkening the valley
And everything inside it," The "everything inside it" for me, interrupts the flow and possibly it is not necessary there.

I have picked a bit and hope you do not take that as anything but your requested suggestions. As a wonderful writer you seem to have a tough skin and are well able to discern the difference between poking and helping shape. I look forward to hearing you have been admitted to any school of your choice. You are very special and I mean that most sincerely.

[Chip]

It is excellently written! I also liked how you broke up the phrases. I wish you well! I can't pick anything out bad.

[that-little-green-monst..]

Beautifully written. Great job! Good luck!

[Leslie Philibert]

Like a lot here, the tempo, the way this poem could be a script for a short film. it has a very visual, fast effect, and I like too the way you break up the phrases to construct structure. Good work, you will get your place at high school !

[BLBrown]

Congratulations on a wonderful poem. If I had only been able to write like this at your age...good grief!!

This poem is a journey of sorts, beginning in beauty and dying in darkness. I think you've done well but might be able to create a greater sense of urgency as you flee the dark smog...think of powerful action verbs like "flee," "race," "fly." Also, instead of "topple" to the ground, I'd be more powerful here, like "am crushed," or "am leveled," or even "crumble." This is a torrent of death on your heals...so SCREAM about it...agonize! Also, maybe take hold of something more powerful, to in turn you emphasize the power of the storm...like "boulder," instead of grass, which can crumble in your outstretched hands, into sand, leaving you with nothing to hold onto...that sifts away now part of the storm,.

As you talk about being engulfed (great word,) I'd go further with your other verbs and adjectives...you're dying here...your bleeding...you are crushed under the weight of iron and stone...no one to help you...completely alone with the monster. And fire up the cacophony of discord, the black and vileness of it all, as limbs are ripped, heart is torn or shredded asunder...and on and on...suggest you change the last word to "death." Use "darkness," somewhere else. And can you personify the darkness? Is it someone you know, or something that terrorizes?

You are on the right track...go as far as you want...just don't hold back from what you are feeling...SLAM those words down on the page fearlessly!! You wrote this for a reason. You want the reader to FEEL your fear, your pain, your death...your emotions. Take a look at these similar pieces for additional ideas...they may go farther than you want to take yours but just food for thought:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/bbrown/948699/
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/bbrown/944548/