Alchemy

Heart Speaks

Like a Picasso’s art

She robbed my heart

Like a scent of rain

It was a sweet pain

With her sharp look

She kept me in nook
With her stormy eyes

She told me many lies

Like a wave of sea

Making my life bouncy

 In her blatant Tsunami

She turned me into Alchemy

Author's Note

This is my first poem!
I am not a writer but I wanted to write one after reading so many good poems
Comments are appreciated.
Thank you

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Amazing poetry my friend. You would make Donne jealous with these words. The words tender and powerful. I felt the need and the emotion in these wonderful words. This is real poetry for the want of love. Thank you Michael for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Michael S]

Thank you so much John for this very kind review. I am humbled by your words. I appreciate you for stopping by and reviewing my work. I am happy to know that you liked this poem.

[Coyote Poetry]

I always enjoy your work and you are welcome my friend.

[CK_85]

For the Hip-Hop Lyrics contest
First, this doesn't read like hip hop lyrics. I have to wonder why you submitted it to a contest labelled as such. Regardless, I'll treat it as 12 bars.
-Lyricism: 3/10. Good hip-hop lyricism comes from the ability to use a rhyme scheme that is multi-syllabic for several bars. Internal rhyming is also great. The words that you rhymed with are relatively basic as opposed to what I was looking for.
-Originality/Creativity: 6/10. I give full credit to originality (as I can't compare that to anybody that I'm aware of), and I give 1 point out of 5 for creativity (as this concept has been done, redone, hashed, and rehashed for centuries).
-Metaphors: 8.5/10. What can I say? Great usage of the water metaphor (storms, waves, tsunamis, and Picasso's Old Man Playing Guitar (which is blue, so props)). And, there are so many more small metaphors that are scattered about.
-Similes: 6.5/10. The similes that made sense were fantastic, though the second one made little to no sense. How is the smell of rain painful? The most I can stretch it is by saying she tortured you, so rain reminds you of how she metaphorically waterboarded you. Though, that's really stretching it.
-Message: 5/10. While it was a good message, I felt that it was incomplete. The external message is evident, but what about your internal reactions to it? It's obvious that she hurt you, but how did that make you feel?
-Wordplay: 0/10. I scanned this piece up and down and I simply couldn't find any wordplay in sight. Correct me if I'm wrong.
-Total: 4.8/10. Let me clear something up, though. I really like this piece. I'm simply grading it as objectively as possible for the contest.

[Michael S]

Thanks for the visit and review :-)
Well, I submitted it just for fun..didn't think much but I really thought out of 6 parameters my poem was following most of them. This was the main reason why I submitted it.
I agree with all of your above critiques except one..
You can never define any particular lyrics as hip hop or not when you mention the parameters...either you mention those parameters or you leave it just as hip hip lyrics..because those who are naive and are not aware of the form..for them those parameters which you have mentioned define hip hop lyrics..
I really appreciate your time and comprehensive review :-) I am glad that you liked my poem somehow.

[CK_85]

Well, you can typically discern between such things. It also doesn't help if you say, "This is my first poem". That implies that it's...a poem xD

[Michael S]

It sure is my first poem. Frankly speaking, I just love reading work of other writers and I really don't intend to write poems. This was like a small tribute for my friends whose writings I have been reading all along. I entered the contest for the first time just to have a feel how it feels like to be in a contest.
Different people, different point of views, so don't mind my words. Having conducted a lot of contests myself I know very well how difficult it is to judge one. So, all the best to you.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

The moment your pen starts bleeding is the most magnificent feeling indeed! I'm glad you finally opened up! And with so touching words..
Keep on writing but never to impress anyone.. You know you can write, just never let anyone tell you otherwise!
I loved the starting lines and the imagination that comes into one's mind while reading this.. All in all, a great starting piece ☺👍

[Michael S]

Thank you so much, Yumnakay :-)
I am glad that you liked this. Thanks for this encouragement. I will keep your insightful words in my heart as well as in my mind.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You're welcome, Michael! It was a pleasure indeed! ☺

[mercy party]

Nice! i like how it ended with the transformation. I had a hint of your very original style of writing. I cant wait to read more. "she kept me in nook" was my favorite line, there is a lot of possibilities in which one could interpret that (safe or locked away) good write!

[Michael S]

Thank you Mercy Party for a great review and words :-)
I feel humbled by this appreciation.

[Ana B.]

This is amazing, especially for a first write. A great addition to my library :) Lovely poem.

[Michael S]

Thank you so much Ana for your review and appreciation :-) I am glad that you loved my first write.

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSh..]

The Poet that you have always been has struggled to the surface. Reading other's poetry has satisfied the urge, the calling to write until now. The moment has come, you have found the confidence to pull open the curtains and lift up the shades, giving the world a look in. Poetry is the window into the Poets life, their journey a view to the soul. We poets write as it is part of our very existence the same as eating and breathing.
In her blatant Tsunami
she turned me to alchemy
These lines tell me that not only is she powerful, she is also to blame. I enjoy this Poem for one because it has a warm glow of shy love flowing through it. The other is you admit in your lines how vulnerable you are. But In the end my friend yes it is worth it. Your flow is perfect the rhythm of it carries one right threw. Well, done my friend the first view into you is inspiring. You actually made me smile with the last two lines. Bravo

Sheer Terror

[Michael S]

Wow, I am speechless, SheerKind.
Thank you very very much for this very kind and lovely review..I appreciate these encouraging and motivating words of you. I love reading poems and yes, I admit that I always wanted to try writing. What you said about Poets is really True. And getting review from an Awesome writer like you makes me feel good.
I am glad that you liked this one.
God bless, Sheer Kind :-)

[Anindita Janhabee]

Alchemy........
I loved the way you made it rhyme...
It adds to the flavour...
Very nice theme of love at first sight...
well done...
keep writing and am here to help and support you...!!!

Anindita

[Michael S]

Thank you so much for your very warm words, Anindita :-)
I am touched by your words.

[Anindita Janhabee]

it's a pleasure...

[Manu]

When did you start writing, Michael ?
A lovely poem to start with and good rhyming.
I especially loved the reference of Picasso's Art and alchemy. Heart speaks in a very poetic way.
As a first write, this is very good.
I loved this on whole.
Keep up :-)

[Michael S]

Thank you so much Manasvini for this wonderful review :-).
- I even don't know when did I start writing.. I just wanted to try writing one and really don't know whether I will write more or not.

[Surya]

Hey this is your first write and you did pretty well.Keep writing Michael.

[Michael S]

Thank you so much Surya for this beautiful review :-)

[Bala Gorthi]

Oh my, it is beautiful!
When the heart is enchanted by something this is what happens.
With her sharp look
she kept me in nook.
Your rhyming is beautiful . I loved the words sea and bouncy.
Thanks for sharing Michael. Keep writing.
I welcome the poet in you.

[Michael S]

Thank you so much for this encouraging words, Bala :-)
I am really thankful for this comment

[Bala Gorthi]

You are welcome, Michael.