Chapter One

Shattered Soul

Chapter One

When I look out the little crack in the old cement house nothing strikes me as odd at first. The black streets are littered with maimed broken bodies and trash that flies around in even the slightest of wind. A small rundown motel across the black fractured street holds one of our Crew snipers and three of our heavy gunners. They are guarding the sickest and most incapable of all the refugees we have come across while just one of our heavy gunners and me, the only other Crew sniper, guard the refugees with mostly minor wounds in this little house. Keeled over street lamps have smashed into the cars and put holes in the nearby buildings. The sun is high in the sky, glaring down at the Earth with its hot golden light. I look into the streets and alleyways. There is only one unfortunate person crawling in the middle of the street, groaning in agony and yelling for someone to help him.

                I have to force myself to stay alert and try to ignore the man. He’s missing an arm and streaks of blood line his face. His cries for help turn into quiet sobs of self pity and fear. He attracts the Drailers to the streets, closer to us, despite the burning the sun creates on their albino skin. I turn around briefly to look at the others. Judging by their faces, they have to fight to control themselves in order to keep from running out and helping him too. I suppose it’s only natural that any human would want to help one of their own kind. I look back in the street and am not surprised to find a Drailer creeping up on the poor guy, others poking out from behind various objects. I raise my sniper and look through the scope. It’s a younger one, probably unaware of the dangers in the two houses on either side of it because of its recently forced young adolescence.

                My eyes find Ryan. He’s sitting against the wall, his legs spread out and the gun propped up against his shoulder. I know he’s heard the man groaning and crying out in the streets, just as he knows what I want to ask him. Once he nods his go ahead, I turn back to the window and take aim at the Drailer. Through the scope, I can see its face, the ugly sharp teeth, and the peeling translucent skin. Purple and blue veins stand out and pulse against their skin color and make me sick to my stomach, just as any other disturbing features make me shudder as I prepare to take the shot.

                I pull the trigger and the Drailer drops dead on the ground. Black blood seeps out of its head as the painful screams fail to cross his frozen blue lips. The sound echoes off the buildings and I wince at the boom that cracks in the empty space around us as the other sniper takes a shot at another Drailer. I can see five others disappear from the streets and near buildings. Ryan is still sitting against the wall when I turn back around and walk towards him. His dark eyes glance up at me and back to the other people on the ground.     

                “Should we go and get him?” I ask.

                Ryan raises his eyebrows and says, “No. I thought we’d just put the Drailer out of his misery.”

                I purse my lips and lean lightly on the wall. He stares at me, daring me to challenge him. When I don’t say anything, the corners of his lips turn up slightly and he stands up. I silently seethe. He just loves pressing his obvious dominance on the rest of us. Ryan walks to the steel door and unlocks the thick chain and two deadbolts. Even now, I can still see the slight limp of his left foot three years after he saved my life.

He walks through the door and leaves it open. I look through the crack and watch him as he picks up the man by the right arm and starts dragging him back into the house. Sheer terror shocks the man’s face when he looks up into Ryan’s.

                Ryan enters the house once again and drops the man on the ground. I sigh and help the man sit against the wall farthest from the door and crack. He’s still staring at Ryan, completely awestruck. He turns back to me and points at Ryan, his finger and entire body shaking.

                Not that I blame him.

                My easy smile seems to settle him down, even if it’s just a little. “He’s with us. Don’t be afraid of him.”

                The little girl playing with a small doll a few feet away looks up and smiles at the man. He tries to smile at her then at me, but his eyes keep returning to Ryan. I tap his shoulder and walk over to the crack, thinking about these people, thinking what they would do if they knew a Federation base was only a few miles from here. Probably leave our Crew and run to the Feds crying for help they would never receive from them. Ryan comes to squat next to me. it's like he can hear my thoughts.

                “Why do you never tell them the Federation has a base a few miles outside the city?” I say. “You believe in giving them choices on where to live.”

                He shrugs. “Why don’t you tell them?”

                I prop my gun up on my knee and put my finger on the trigger. “They’d just be murdered by the Feds.”

                “Not murdered, turned into a Drailer.”

                “It’s the same as being dead.”

                When he doesn’t say anything, I look back at him. His jaw is set. He’s staring at the people, the ones he cares so much about. Ryan taps his fingers on the butt of his gun and looks back at me. Even after all these years of horrific events the Federation still makes the creatures that terrorize our cities, hoping one will follow their oders.

                “They don’t even know we’re here, Sloane. They think all the humans are dead in this city.”

                I look away and back out the small crack in the wall. “But they could still find us any day now. Especially since we’ve stolen weapons and food from them for the refugees. Drailers don’t steal what they don’t need,” I say.

                He sighs and stands up. I can see the annoyance clear on his face. He closes his eyes without his hands ever leaving his gun or his knife. I smile weakly to myself and continue to watch outside my assigned hole.

                The window Jesse is probably watching out of is black and boarded off. I take comfort in the fact that I am not the only person who can shoot a sniper. If I miss or if he misses, the other is there to take the shot and kill whatever is bothering us. The heavy gunners have AK47’s. Ryan had a hard time teaching them how to use it before he fully gained their trust, though I believe the presence of another human calmed them down quite a bit.

              When the sun starts setting, I put the piece of scrap metal that has been drilled into the wall down over the crack and scoot back to where Ryan is. He shifts his weight and opens his eyes. His chest doesn’t move because he doesn’t need to breathe every second like a normal human does. His fingers tap the ground, a nervous tendency that I have to break for him like always.

                Every time I break a habit, another takes its place.

                “I’ll take first watch since I slept all day,” he says.

                I don’t argue with him because it is the smart, logical thing to do and he would just ignore my protests. He takes my sniper from me and lays it down on the other side of him. I lay my head on his shoulder as he gets comfortable and take one last look at the people. They are all huddled into the corner farthest from the door trying to keep the heat between them all. Through the one year we’ve created the Crew and started saving peoples’ lives, we have found maybe twenty five that we can actually help and keep alive for a while. Though we have to kill what animals we can and take what supplies we can get from rubble and the Federation, we’ve managed to survive, Ryan and I, alone for about a year and half, probably a little more. We met the other members of our Crew and the wounded searching buildings to live in closer to the city. I close my eyes and then open them again. The man we fished out of the street today is wide awake, staring with wonder at me and Ryan.

                When my eyes close I can hear the unhappy, piercing roars and bloodcurdling screams of the unsheltered humans mixed with the hunting Drailers. That is nothing compared to when they find the two we shot through the head on the ground today dead. I can imagine them right now with talons two inches long that remind me of an eagle tearing into the flesh of other humans and sometimes another Drailer, close to translucent skin peeling off their body and revealing the multicolored veins underneath their skin. And the worst, dark blood red eyes that see no person when they look at you but a juicy peace of fresh, red meat. Their eyes glow in the dark and stare at you, two circles of light that make you feel like you’re always going to be hunted by them, always being watched by one of their own. Bloodlust that runs deep through their entire being drives them to kill everything in sight, to destroy living things without a reason but that they simply can and hunger for it. Sometimes through the night, I can even hear the scratching on the wall that means some of the Drailers have smelled us and are out for our blood.

 

My foot slips on the wet street. I fall face down on the asphalt but scramble back up and start running from the snarling shadows behind me. Fire lights up the sky and the city while the screams and shrieks of sheer terror grip the people. Drailers crash through the buildings, taking whatever they can get their hands on and killing whatever they please. The lucky ones are driving through the streets and out the gates of the city. The unlucky ones get ripped limb from limb by the monster the Federation created to protect our country and its people.

                A man to my left is running across the street a few yards in front of me. I would have crashed into him if it had not been for the Drailer jumping on his back and digging its talons into the man’s skin. I try to block out the shrieks of pain and fear that rip from the man’s throat and the sound of ripping flesh but they ring in my ears as I keep running and I don’t dare look back.

                The Drailer chasing me gains a foot when I turn into one of the alleyways. I try to lose the monster but it’s much faster than me. The monster takes a swing at my back and its nails slash across the skin and bone. A cross between a gasp and a scream crosses my lips and turns into a horrible, indescribable sound. Blood seeps into my clothes and runs like red rivers down my back into pools on the ground behind me. My heart is gripped with horror as I fall to the ground. My knee drags on the stone and rips the skin off. Thin drops of blood form on my kneecap. Another scream rips from my throat as the fast breathing of the Drailer closes in behind me. I try and crawl away from my first class murderer.

                A sick smile crosses her blueberry lips as it opens its mouth and runs its tongue across its sharp teeth. It takes a step towards me and crouches, walking slowly on all fours, circling me like this is a duel between two bitter enemies. It taps one finger on the ground, its talon making a clicking noise that raises the hairs on the back of my neck.

                Its hair is a tangled mess and its eyes are wild with the thought of my blood spilling. It takes a few steps closer as its face comes within a few inches from mine. I can see it wants to make this as painful and long as it can for me. The Drailer puts its hand on my shoulder and digs its nails into my skin. I keep myself from screaming but I cannot stop the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. The Drailer drags its nails down to the crook of my elbow with all its strength and puts its face next to mine.

                What I hear is a roar. It stands, picking me up by the throat and shoving me into the brick wall. The Drailer's fist connects with my stomach as I drop in a heap on the ground. It drops to its knees and lowers its mouth until its teeth sink into my shoulder and the Drailer starts to rip my arm off.

                A loud crack freezes me. I cannot move as the Drailer’s body goes slack, blood spilling from its head. A boy drops down from the ladder attached to the side of the building. He pries the Drailer’s mouth off my shoulder and throws it into the wall. I can hear a soft moan whisper through its lips as the boy puts my arm around his shoulders and we start running and hobbling out of the city.

                A Drailer tackles us. It sends us flying onto the pavement. I roll a few times. My foot catches in a crack in the pavement. It twists and when I stop, its standing over me. The boy charges it and the Drailer looks at him. Confusion passes over its face as the boy digs a knife into the Drailer’s neck. As the Drailer goes down it has but a few moments to rip the boy’s leg out from under him and slash it up. He turns from the monster and continues helping me out of the city. When we reach the outskirts, he stops and I look at a cement building. His eyes are glowing and my fear returns to grip my heart and squeeze it. I cannot breathe as the monster’s hands slide under me, its hurt leg forcing it to limp, and carry me to the building.

                When we enter, the building’s empty except for a small blanket and some food and water. It puts me down farthest from the door and covers me with a thin blue blanket. I stare at it, unable to think straight. It pushes its M9 away from him and points at it like I can’t understand what it’s trying to show me. It sits next to me. I am too afraid to move, but I breathe in and out fast. As I do, it doesn’t move. It sits there without the slightest movement.

                Not even to breathe.     

                That night, I cannot close my eyes and fall asleep in front of my enemy, in front of a cold blooded killer whose kind took everything from me. This thing hadn’t even thought twice about killing the Drailers that were its own kind now. Even now watching it, the Drailer doesn’t act like a Drailer. Its eyes still glow and the nails are still there. Its flesh is pale but not peeling. After a while, I see its chest heave in and out and I know my presence affects it in a negative way. It has to move away from me and dig its nails into the hem of its shirt to keep from attacking me. The smell of human blood is too much for it, and, my vision beginning to become blurry and my movements clumsy; I’m still frozen in fear when the sun rises up and the battle outside between creation and creator rages on.

 

Reviews

[TOF_Matt]

This was pretty good. You do a good job establishing the setting and characters. Your technical grasp of the intricacies of narrative English is also pretty good. You've avoided same-structure sentences and passive voice for the most part. There was a moment with some pronoun confusion (you referred to one of the enemy Drailers as "it" and "he" in subsequent paragraphs), and subject confusion (a sniper is the person who wields a sniper rifle, not the rifle itself) so be sure to tighten that up on your next revision.

Stylistically, I have a few comments. My first is that you state things a little too bluntly (or what I tend to call "matter-of-factly"). I think your writing can do with more introspection and rhetoric. Your descriptions are a tad fat with unimportant details when you could be "spending" those words covering things that will strengthen your setting. For example, "He’s still staring at Ryan when he realizes there are more people than just the three of us. He turns back to me and points at Ryan, his finger and entire body shaking with the racking fear of the Drailers." Notice the structure of this is a very blunt "he did this, he did this, he did this." You can strengthen this with some introspection, such as "His gaze was still glued to Ryan, his body wrought by uncontrollable shakes; I'm not even sure he even realized the rest of us were in the room. No doubt the pale skin and throbbing veins of the Drailers still had a firm grip on his mind, and yet here Ryan of all people sends himself as an ambassador. It was kind of a cruel joke, really." Notice now that the sentence structure is some fact, mixed with the narrator's own thoughts and opinions. This helps us get closer to the character rather than the story just being us moving from one plot point to the next.

In a similar way, don't just mention details to set up the scene, but think about how they can strengthen your mood too. One suggestion, "They are guarding the sickest and most incapable of all the refugees we have come across while just one of our heavy gunners and me, the only other Crew sniper, guard the refugees with mostly minor wounds in this little house." This is a pretty exhausting sentence to read, mainly because it's like reading the same sentence twice. It's detail for detail's sake. I think it would be more apt to say something like "They are guarding the sickest and most incapable of the refugees. Those with strength enough to stand and hold a weapon reside with my small squad in this little house. They are not trained, either in how to handle a firearm or deal with death, but we can nary spare an able-bodied man." Notice now that the second method essentially describes the same logistics, but also increases the desperation of the mood. The key to remember is that 90% of the time, you want to show and not state. You want to dig emotion out of the reader, not hand it to them on a silver platter (otherwise they become spoiled and disinterested).

My last critique is that I feel that as a first chapter, this is missing a really strong hook. It just seems to be the events of the first day, and ending with her falling asleep and having a dream about (presumably) her first encounter with Ryan. In my opinion, you've given away WAY too much too early. There's no mystery left. We know who the narrator is, we know who Ryan is, we know where the Drailers come from; basically, there's nothing left. My suggestion is to dial this way back. I think if you spend more time and really nail how horrible the Drailers are, and how the narrator feels about them (I'm not even sure right now how she feels about them... she almost seems, apathetic?), you can end this with a great hook where we find out her superior IS a Drailer.

Anyway, my 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.