Infinitely Me

WONDERING why I can no longer upload images?

I tried a gazillion times to upload an image here... just wouldn't work... ??

Stream-of-Thought Ramblings

So... My troubled thoughts seem clearer tonight; though still plagued in a way by my old thoughts and feelings … I now feel an inner strength building in me…. Not so much troubled anymore… curious, would be more apt… curious about my future… intrigued as to whether it will unfold as I hope… interested in my sudden shift from futility to a wary acceptance of whatever may come my way…. Still a little restless… unsettled… but not troubled…. I’ve survived all these years, haven’t I…. one would think I’ve picked up few truisms along the way… a few tricks and coping mechanisms.



… and so what if the mask is crumbling…. To hell with wearing it for one more moment… to hell with hiding… here I am world… take me as you find me ‘cos I don’t have the energy to soften reality any more, reality is real and it can be damn uncomfortable at times …  I just need to live it as best as can... adventure to breath… love and laughter and honesty to be shared… for whatever time I have left!

And I’m not too old to take a chance… damn it, I’m never going to be too old to take a chance….
I want to be taking chances now at 60… and when I'm 70…. 80… 100 or until my lungs draw their last breath and my breasts rise and fall for the last time …


I don’t care if I’m not poised, self-assured, self-confident… don’t give damn if I’m battered and bruised from youthful indulgences and addictions… I have NO illusions about this carcass that houses the soul… but the hidden me… the me not seen from the outside… that me is more graceful and caring and compassionate now than at any stage in the past…. And knowledgeable in ways a younger me would not… could not have understood….


I have been loved… adored- bless his sweet patient  soul…. though much of the time he didn’t understand me… couldn’t fathom the depth of my mind…was puzzled by my meanderings, patient of my thoughts and emotions… but he always loved me…. Always…. Until the angels, if such beings exist, came and took him away… too young... far too young.

I’m at ease with this me I am now…. Wise enough to consider youthful misadventures as ‘learning’ experiences… after all I’m not on drugs, I don’t drink alcohol…well one or two wines every 10 years  …I haven’t been arrested in 40 years…. and my conscience isn’t heavy with the knowledge of breaking too many hearts…. So I must have learnt something from those wild and hedonistic days….


So I don’t have that little cottage I’ve always dreamed of…and I haven’t travelled overseas…. Sadly the state of the world now there’s little chance of either of those happening … I’m not the published writer I envisioned as an idealistic young woman who though she could change the world with her words… or at least challenge global masses to move beyond their scripted lives…. But…. I do still write 6 out of 7 days and do have a circle of writer friends to socialise with… what does it matter if we’ve never met… still the possibility of being published exists and therefore so does that dream….

…the funny thing is… if only Destiny Fate and Karma stopped trying to outdo each other (thereby cancelling out each other’s actions) Well… perhaps they’d realise that if I became published I might have a shot at buying  my little cottage and travelling overseas as well… and actually accomplish some passionate humanitarian and environmental issues I have always wanted to contribute to.

…but I have  more immediate goals to concern myself with …that of surviving new and unexpected changes within myself and this world.... and from my perspective this world is changing so fast it's getting damn hard to keep up! Every day seems to bring new social and global challenges.


I’ll tell you one thing though… if Destiny, Fate and Karma don’t get theirbshite together soon I’m going to run out solutions! Only kidding,I can always come up with some sort of plan, they just don't always work out the way I envisioned them too!

Sometimes I wish I could simply pretend it wasn't all happening... pretend it didn't all affect me... disappear into the rainforest never to be seen again, but let's face it, without some human social community interaction I would probably be crazier then I already am...

For now I’m taking all my thoughts for a long jump off a short pier; and perhaps I will simply sit in silence for a while.
Care to join me?

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Yes, I will join you, Sharon---
At 70 I have become the me I will die with.
And we have become true companions...comfortable with the self...
I jumped off lots of short piers in my youth, and now in my older age, the piers are getting shorter and the jump probably longer...but that's okay.
I have slipped into the me that finally fits.
Love this piece so much.
j.

[sharonlee]

Hi there Jacob...
I've lived with myself for a long time now, and most of that time I've been alone, not counting raising four children by myself after my husband passed away. So I really have gotten to know me pretty well, and while I may have wasted a great deal of time in procrastination and doubt, I have at least grown to be a good person, I like myself, I'm good company and don't demand too much of me lol.
At this stage I know that I will always live alone, and I am content with that knowledge.
Take care
Sharonlee

[Coyote Poetry]

I am with you dear Sharon.
"For now I’m taking all my thoughts for a long jump off a short pier; and perhaps I will simply sit in silence for a while.
Care to join me?"
I understand the above lines. Old Johnnie must go forward for the children and the grandchildren. Maybe we accept less or we learn. We have enough. Thank you my friend for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[sharonlee]

It's a delight to share with you Coyote... we age and life ages us, but what a rich reward there is in watching grandchildren grow!

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree dear Sharon. Our grandchildren are our wealth.

[barleygirl]

Happy Easter! This is a delightful piece of fresh honesty. Many writers can't be this honest with themselves (a requirement, in my book, for strong writing). I love how you start out a little bit philosophical, maybe a little stuffy & stilted, but once you get started spilling, very quickly your blunt simply-stated honesty comes forth & this is where your writing shines. This describes the human conditions. We all act like dumbasses until we get old & creaky, then finally we get a clue! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[sharonlee]

Hello!
It is a strange twist of life that by the time most of us come into our true power, we're too old & creaky to fully enjoy it!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts lovely.

Sharonlee

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Hi I love this
I don’t live alone but I have in the past and I loved and sometimes hated it too
I can relate to your story I hated myself for years still do but now have accepted my past and my failings and accept the mere me that I am
Great write

[sharonlee]

Our relationship with ourselves is the longest and closest relationship we will have, so I think it makes sense to embrace who we are, forgive who we were, and love ourselves...

Lovely to see Julie