The Silent Song

Listen to the song of the silence, the unheard voice.

Let's pause the song we were listening to

And put on the song which was once unheard

The song on which our soul danced

Away from the grieves of the cold

In the warmth of the room inside the room

Stepping on the floors of the heart.

A song with which our words sang

A song which proposed the unspoken

Let's try to listen to the whispers of the silence

The song played in the deepest place of the heart

The song sang by the sweetest voice

Sweeter then the nectar of flowers

The voice can't be heard by anyone

The song of the silence inside.

Author's Note

What do you think?

Reviews

[Karmee]

WOW!! This is so good and deep to me.I really enjoyed this write

[Shasha]

Thank you Georgia!!
Please to here it from you!!

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Sasha,
There are a couple of grammar aspects to this piece that caught my teacher’s eye you might wish to understand and address, if you’re interested in improving on your poetry writing skills.
1) Using "the" throughout. The amount of "the" words you’ve used are akin to hammering nails all over a board, when two or three would suffice to hold it securely in place.
2) This effectively nulls poetic voice.
3) Keep mindful of "speaking" lines … remember, this is a poem. Think of your "syntax" (the manner in which your poetic voice speaks).
4) English, not being your first language, I suggest letting someone whose first language is English read and edit your work for unusual grammar issues before posting it. This way, you’ll have an opportunity to see and discuss any English issues, and learn quickly from your mistakes, therefore.

Remember, Sasha, few will make the effort to correct you, either on your English or your poetic efforts.

I am going to take the liberty of editing your poem into a poetic form that will be easy for you to study and understand technique and poetic voice

(your original version)

Let's pause "the" song we were listening to
And put on "the" song which was once unheard
"The" song on which our soul danced
Away from "the" grieves of "the" cold
In "the" warmth of "the" room inside "the" room
Stepping on "the" floors of "the" heart.
A song with which our words sang
A song which proposed "the" unspoken
Let's try to listen to "the" whispers of "the" silence
"The" song played in "the" deepest place of "the" heart
"The" song sang by "the" sweetest voice
Sweeter then "the" nectar of flowers
"The" voice can't be heard by anyone
"The" song of "the" silence inside.

(your edited version)

This song we’ve been listening to,
let’s pause and play a song unheard;
one to which our soul once danced
away from grief of cold,
into a warm room inside a room,
stepping on hearts’ floors …
a song which our words sang,
proposing what’s unspoken.

Let's try listening to whispers of silence,
a song in our hearts’ deepest places,
sang by voices sweet,
sweeter than flowers’ nectar,
unhearable by anyone …
our song of inner-silence.

[Coyote Poetry]

Wonderful use of words and thoughts. I agree. Sometimes silence is wonderful. In a world of noise and rare peace. A private beach or a deep forest. Perfect place to gather our minds. Thank you Shasha for sharing your amazing poetry and thoughts.
Coyote

[Shasha]

Yes actually,
Thank you Coyote for your wonderful review!!!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Shasha.

[Vasilees Sybissyl]

It's a wonderful concept you've got yourself here. And you've made the first lines very intriguing and that gives such perfection to the poem. Love it!!

Love,
Vasilees.

[Shasha]

Thanks Vasilees! You are a true inspiration!

[Anand Sehgal]

Wonderful write :) The words have been placed very well :)

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[Shasha]

Thank you very much Anand!

[ROXANE DORSEY]

Very nice and thanks for sharing your wonderful talent.

[Shasha]

Thank you very much, Roxane!

[barleygirl]

This is top-notch writing becuz of the way you think about your topic . . . your viewpoint is relatable & your way of writing is to SHOW instead of tell. We all understand the "silent unspoken" parts of life, different for each of us, but it all feels the same, so it connects us. Love your style (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Shasha]

Thank you Margie! I love to read your reviews. I think that understanding in the greatest gift one can get, so that's why. Thank you again!

[apennylate]

I, Silente, approve greatly, hah... But in all seriousness... An almost melodic feel, and wistful wandering of phrase... Spot-on rhymes, and a twisting journey that left me wanting more, but sweeter than nectar of flowers sting... I guess I leave without a voice... Beautifully penned...

[Shasha]

Hah!
Thank you Silente, you always always make me smile!!! Thank you again, friend!

[apennylate]

Of course, I smiled more reading this poem, I assure you, lol

[Shasha]

Maybe! Haha!
I think if we continue then this thing will never end.

[apennylate]

But who wants it to end...!

[Shasha]

Oh! Alright then,
I smiled harder! Haha!

[WillaDanvers]

Great piece, I quite like your choice of words. Also like the freedom each reader has to work the poem out into something that works with their lives. Great job :)

[Shasha]

Thank you Willa! Really pleased to hear that from you!

[Soumya Deouskar]

Wow! Your new technique of using vague sort of imagery is just great!
I'm hoping to see this usage in your future poems too!
Keep writing!

[Shasha]

You are a true friend Soumya! I will try to.
Thank you very much!!!

[Soumya Deouskar]

Great! All the best for your future writings!