Nemesis

Captain Taryn Bellin and the crew of the Zenith live on the fringes of legal society. Tracking her down is not easy, to lure her out requires the perfect bait.

The corridor was empty, the only source of light came from the office at the far end of the hallway. It was the start of the weekend and the majority of the staff had departed hours ago.

Aiko Komatsu pushed the laundry cart through the darkened corridor, the sound of her soft footfalls and a squeaky wheel on the cart amplified by the deserted nature of the rest of the building. She paused for a brief moment at the door to the office with its lights still burning to read the name on the door before going inside.

"Oh goodness!" She exclaimed in mock surprise as the man seated at the desk looked up at her, "I'm sorry Major, I thought everyone had gone home for the night."

Jon Lachlan flashed a smile as he waved away her apology. "Sorry," he replied with a shrug of his broad shoulders, "Finishing off a few reports. I was in meetings for most of the day and my paperwork's fallen behind."

"Want me to come back?"

"Yeah, that'd be great." He said, favouring her with another winning smile. Aiko placed Lachlan in his mid-forties but despite his somewhat advanced years it wasn't hard to see why Captain Bellin was so taken with the man. He had at least fifteen years on Aiko herself but he was effortlessly handsome; flint-jawed, tall, tanned, with thick dark hair that was showing the first hint of grey at the temples. A muscular frame was evident from behind the tight confines of his informal Strident Defence Solutions uniform.

"If you could give me...thirty minutes?" Lachlan asked, checking the time on a heavy and obviously expensive gold watch, clamped tightly onto his left wrist.

"Sure Major, just let me empty your waste basket." Aiko said, stepping forward.

"That's not necessary," Lachlan said quickly as she reached his desk. "It contains some confidential information. Policy says I have to dispose of all such paperwork myself." He explained kindly, obviously assuming he was talking to the newest member of SDS staff who had not been fully briefed on the do's and don'ts of her job.

"Oh, I'm sorry Major."

"It's fine," Lachlan replied, "And it's Jon by the way. I haven't been a Major since I left the Terran Navy."

"No problem Maj-I mean, Jon." She gave a nervous laugh. Aiko guessed Lachlan was the chivalrous type, all too willing to show a kindness to a timid young woman.

"Thirty minutes?" He tapped the face of his watch.

"Sure thing Jon." She said as she turned to go. "Oh! I almost forgot..." She spun around as she pulled the small cannister from her pocket and slammed it on Lachlan's desk. Thick white smoke began to spew from the device instantly, catching the former Major where he sat. She quickly stepped back and raised the previously hidden breather to her nose and mouth as the gas quickly enveloped Lachlan.

"What....*cough*.... "What is this!?" Lachlan waved the smoke away as he rose to his feet but it was a fruitless task. He coughed again as he sank back into his chair. With a soft moan he slumped over his desk and remained motionless.

She waited until the gas began to dissipate and never took her eyes from Lachlan who had not moved since he collapsed across his desk.She grabbed a hold of his left wrist and lifted it into the air. There was no resistance to the action and she let the limp limb drop onto the desk, his heavy gold watch racketing noisily against the polished wood was music to her ears.

She allowed herself her first real smile of the evening as she seized the unconscious Lachlan under the arms and locking her hands across his chest pulled him from his slumped position. Even a man with such a large frame at a dead weight was little trouble for her and she easily dragged his limp body across his office and to the waiting laundry cart outside.

With care Aiko opened the lid. As she lowered the unconscious form she allowed herself a moment to plant a soft kiss on Lachlan's lips. "Sleep tight Major," she purred as she dropped him down onto bed of clothing held inside.

She took a moment to admire Lachlan and her own handiwork as the sound of footsteps approached from the far end of the corridor. "Miss Komatsu?"

Aiko turned with a triumphant grin, seizing Lachlan's limp wrist once more, holding it up to her man; "We have him. If this doesn't bring Bellin and the the rest of that damned crew of hers running to us, nothing will."

Author's Note

This is an excerpt from a much larger piece so it might seem like you've been droppped into the middle of a story.

Any feedback is appreciated. Not overly concerned with grammatical errors at this stage but would be interested to see if the story or characters grabbed your attention in any way or made you curious about what happens next.

Reviews

[Stephen Beneschan]

Not much information regarding Aiko Komatsu or her personality is able to be learned here by the audience, and refusing to describe a protagonist in sufficient detail throughout any story would usually cause developing interest in the character to be impossible, since without a developed character, there is nothing to be interested in. However, the sudden abandonment of the timid, innocent demeanor that Komatsu initially projects and the reveal of such a cunning, devious attitude (which becomes especially interesting when she is shown to plant a kiss onto Lachlan's lips without hesitation) leaves enough of an impact that a reader must hope to read more of this story and to discover more of her character. Although Komatsu, as she is presented within this solitary chapter, is not highly interesting due to the lack of information given about her (in fact, she seems to be far less detailed than Lachlan, even though the former is the protagonist), her personality is mysterious enough that, if she were to be developed to a greater extent in later chapters, she could become very interesting. However, the few details that are given about Komatsu and the other characters are too much obscured by the abrupt mentions of other details. The Strident Defence Solutions and Captain Bellin have their names suddenly mentioned with no introduction or explanation of any kind, which creates unnecessary confusion and heavily distracts from the rest of the story. The only exception is the naming of Bellin in the very last sentence, which is almost very effective because it is placed at the end of the story—leading the audience to believe that their questions about her will be answered in later chapters and thus arousing even more curiosity and interest. However, this effect would be greatly emphasized if it was the first instance of Bellin's name in the story, and this would be much less distracting, as there is no more of the story to distract from. Overall, this story creates a strong sense of mystery that should leave readers eager to learn more about the characters, but this is atmosphere is broken by the insertion of details that should instead be omitted.

[ShannonH87]

Stephen, thank you so much for the review. As always any kind of feedback is always greatly appreciated.

I'd like to point out that this is only an excerpt from a story so if it feels like you were dropped into the middle of a plot without much backstory or an idea as to who the characters are, that would be why. I'd also say, although I'm not sure if it makes much difference to your opinion, that Aiko will be the antagonist of the piece.

Anyways, I'm glad some sense of mystery was built up for you as the reader and I will take your other pointers into consideration. Thank you again.