Chapter 1 + Prologue

 Part 1: Beginnings

 

Prologue

 

Several millennia ago there once existed an entity. An ancient being of unmeasurable power. The power to create life or to destroy it from existence. As time passed the entity grew tired and with it’s power created two sons in his image. Each had their own views on life and both set of on their own paths in the name of their master. The one son went westward and soon found life surrounded by fire and rocks. The other son made his way eastward, finding beauty and water on his path.  With the power of creation the first son created the first demons of hell and thus began the building of hell itself, the entity watched eagerly. The second son struggled through the conditions of his land, the blizzards and cold holding him back. As hope seemed lost great beings came to his rescue and he became indebted to them. He would name these beings, “The greater Angels”. Inspired by their very being the son gave form to the first angels which marked the beginning of Heaven.
 Several years later the Son of hell soon found himself in love and thus two sons were born. At first he was blessed but as time passed, his sons soon fought and knowingly only one could take his place. Stricken the son of the entity spoke to his creator for guidance. In response the entitiy declared that for peace to pass, one of the sons must die. So it was that both sons fought to the death until only one remained. With his work done he joined with the entity and watched over his son’s work. On heaven the son of the east and the greater angels worked hard on the building of heaven, the essence of heaven spread through the lakes and mountains. With his time at an end the son of the east gave his own life force to the greater angels in trust and he too joined the entity.
   With their work completed with heaven and hell realized there was only one thing left to do. Using his power the entity created Earth, time passed as the entity watched mankind evolve, from primitive primates to the Homo sapiens. And as the entity intended as one human dies their soul is judged by himself. If sinful their soul is taken to hell to serve as punishment, if the soul was righteous or true they would be welcomed to the paradise of heaven. As time went by both heaven and hell explored the lands, discovering life, and vital resources for them to live on. Then one day they found each other, both people of heaven and hell met for the first time. At first there was excitement at a new civilization, heaven and hell rejoiced, but as the lands became divided the hatred between both grew. Fights turned into wars and friendship’s turned into rivalries. As time passed new rulers of hell were elected and more angels were sent to war. Realizing their time was coming to an end the greater angels created the angelic council, who would watch over heaven. One of these greater angels fell from grace, losing his purity of heaven and becoming one with those of hell. The creation of the first archangel. This caused chaos amongst those of heaven, and a civil war like no other erupted. Many lives were lost on that day and the greater angels became nothing more than legend. A very important lesson was learnt from that day

 

“Do not let the hunger for power consume you.
For power in itself brings change, 
change can make you lose those close,
and destroy the innocence that you may hold.
For innocence is what makes one pure,
and when you walk, you will walk alone,
for death is sure to follow”

 

 

 

Chapter 1

 

200 years on from the angel civil war, not much has changed. Both sides still retain their hatred. In hell a man named Sousan sits currently on the throne, deep in thought. He knows that this hatred will crease soon. Far too many have died over the years, to many loses on both sides. He just wishes his dreams of reuniting heaven and hell shall come to pass. He looks towards his pregnant wife on the chair giving a reassuring smile. Either that or one of his sons shall share his will and dream. He has yet to name them, but he knows his time is coming to an end.
“How are you feeling?”, he questions in concern rubbing her hand. “Nervous”, Lilith replies meekly forcing a smile, “it does hurt though”. Sousan smiles to himself rubbing her hair, “I know it’s not easy but just think about it, we will be parents and we will watch our sons grows”. Lilith looks up to his eyes smiling in up expectation.
   Lilith suddenly grimace’s in pain immediately holding onto her stomach, looking towards Sousan.  “It’s time!”, she exclaims. Two women in gowns suddenly gently lower her onto the bed, as Sousan backs away in anxiety. She screams out in pain as the pain intensifies.. Sousan moves towards Lilith, grabbing her hand in support. “You need to be strong for me okay?”, he pleads anxious. She turns giving a weak smile before suddenly flinching once more. “Keep pushing!”, the women encourage, offering support. Seeing her in pain Sousan moves forwards in stress before being stopped. “I’m sorry your highness but if you could please sit down, you will only make this worse for yourself”, of the women asks. Sousan calmly moves away.  Then crying is heard as one of the women lifts up a baby, it’s eyes shut with blood all over it. The nurse brings it to Lilith as looks at the newborn baby. “Ivan...”, she utters smiling weakly her eyes half closed from exhaustion. The rain continues to fall outside, hitting the Throne room windows. She then screams out in pain once more closing her eyes, as Sousan can only watch. Then crying can be heard again as a servant brings over another baby, wailing. “Dervish...”, she utters. Lilith then screams again out in pain, as the servants suddenly fall in total silence.
   The ordeal over Sousan moves towards her, as someone takes something away. “Please... please take care of them”, Lilith begs faintly, “I fear for our worlds future”. As she gets faint Sousan reaches his hand out touching hers looking to her weak face. “I will do everything in my power to ensure hell’s future is bright”, he insures looking at her once more. She gives a faint smile before closing her eyes, her outstretched hand falls limp. Sousan looks down on her before trying to shake her, “Lilith?..Lilith are you okay, say something?! Someone!! I need help?!”, he exclaims turning back to the women. (the women try to help but Lilith dies, much to Sousan’s dismay). Left alone once more Sousan silently cries at the loss of his wife, one who’s beauty he won’t ever forget. He then stops crying overhearing the crying of his two sons, freshly born. A last gift from Lilith his wife. Sousan moves towards both looking down on them, seeing how small they truly are. “Ivan and Dervish, you are remnants of my wife and her gift to the future of this realm. As I loved her with all my heart, I will love the both of you until my time in this realm comes to an end…Things will be tough, but you must always know that I will always love you”, he states. He then looks up at the throne room glass ceiling, looking outside to the silent night of hell.

 

Out on the streets of hell the rain lightly falls in the night, lights and lanterns offering some life to the streets in shadow. In view a cloaked figure walks alone through the rain, soaked head to toe, water dripping down his cloak and hidden face features. Held tightly around his right arm is a wooden cot, a cloth protecting its contents. He walks down the wet stone floor dragging his damp cloak as he moves. He hesitantly pauses raising his head seeing the house at the top of the hill amidst through the rain. He continues walking until he reaches the top. He stops walking in front of a wooden door, nervous for what must be done. The hooded stranger kneels down his knee damped by the floor; he then carefully places the wooden basket on the doorstep as the rain continues falling. Then he rises back up knocking the wooden door heavily hollowly, hearing footsteps the cloaked figure quickly heads of into the rainy night.
   The wooden door is suddenly burst open as a women peers outside into the darkness, a warrior clad in armor called Osaris walks up behind her curiously. “What is it” he asks in question, looking towards her. “It’s nothing”, she replies looking out into the rain, “nothing…”. Just as she’s about to shut the door she sees a wooden basket outside. Confused she reaches towards it lifting the wet towel revealing a baby wrapped in cloth for warmth, abandoned, rejected in the pouring rain. The woman cautiously picks up the baby, asleep in her hands. Osaris moves his head back rolling his eyes in annoyance. “Just leave it last thing we need is a mouth to feed, we’re already having problems with money!”. She turns towards him in protest, “But he’s just a baby, just look at him. He’s alone” He looks outside into the pouring rain then back at her face. “I will take care of him”. Osaris moans in defeat before leaning curiously towards the baby looking into its little eyes. “What do you think we should call him?”, the women asks looking at Osaris standing motionless. He looks at the baby thinking it over repeatedly in his mind. “I know what we’ll call him”, he utters smiling,

“Matius”

 

The years go past as Matius starts to grow up, the days of past quicker turn into weeks of past. Osaris watches him day by day watching the boy grow reminding himself how he once was once, a young boy full of possibility. One day Matius walks down a corridor noticing a large enticing room, with a golden frame and swords displayed on it walls. One day curiosity gets the better of him as he walks inside the display room noticing all the swords and shields shinning proudly decorated on the walls. In fascination he steps inside, seeing all the different shapes and sizes all marking different periods in Osaris’s life. He then notices a smaller sword lower to the floor within his hands reach. He touches the silver blade gently, feeling the dentations into the blade.

  “You like the swords?”

Matius quickly spins around in surprise, shaking the sword seeing Osaris, “ummm... yes?” Osaris steps inside the room, almost intimidating Matius by mistake. He then spots the sword near Matius approaching it. “This was the first ever sword I used during my first years in the services of hell, at the army academy”, he explains checking it over. Osaris looks back at Matius, “you’re fingers bleeding”, he adds in surprise. Matius then looks down at his hand noticing blood coming from his finger. Curious Osaris moves closer looking at it. “Did you not feel the pain of the cut?”, Osaris questions. Matius shakes his head. “Tell me Matius do you know what you want to be in the future?”, Osaris questions. “I don’t know”, Matius replies looking back to the cut. “It’s alright; I wouldn’t expect you to know. I didn’t know what I wanted to be at your age”, Osaris replies, “ All I knew was that I wanted excitement and adventure in my life, it’s what I always searched for as a kid. As I got older I became more aware of the army academy and their trips into the unknown, going off into missions travelling and fighting. It’s what I wanted to do, and that’s why I joined the forces”.  Matius looks back to the swords before looking at the sword he was touching. “Can you teach me how to use a sword?”, Matius questions.  Osaris pauses before laughing to himself in amusement, “Swords are a dangerous thing to use, are you sure you want to know?” Matius nods eagerly glancing over to the small sword.
   Defeated Osaris sighs smiling to himself, “Alright Matius but before we do this I want you to listen to every word that I tell you, do you understand?” Matius gives a little nod throwing a glance of uncertainty, “umm yes”. Osaris gives a smile of approval. With the task ahead he approaches the sword Matius was handling, “since you’ve been looking at this we will use this for practice”, Osaris state. “To make sure you use a sword correctly, get a firm grip on the weapon shaft. This way it will be sturdy and easy to control” In demonstration Sousan starts swinging the sword in various directions. “If the sword is uncontrollable, use both hands to gain greater control and power in the swings. You might be unable to hold a shield, but your defense, attack and speed increase”. Finished Osaris lowers the sword putting it into Matius’s hands, who struggles to keep it upright. “It’s heavy...”, Matius complains struggling to hold it straight in the air. “Here let he help you”, Osaris approaches him helping Matius steady his grip. “Remember make sure your grip is strong, you need to be confident to wield a sword”. Hearing these words Matius’s grip tightens and the sword stops shaking. “Good that’s it lad, now... try swinging it”, Osaris asks. Matius then swings it to his left, with ease then swings it to the right. “That’s very good Matius”, Osaris compliments, “When you are 15 years old I will teach you everything I know, and as you grow you’ll become a fine swordsman. Just how I once was”.

 

The years go by as both form a bond of respect and friendship as both become important in each other’s lives. Matius for inspiration and guidance, Osaris for the son he could never have. Time goes by as Matius grows, and learns in knowledge from Osaris. The women married to Osaris can only watch in happiness, bringing one child into a family has created something for Osaris. “Matius let me ask you something, did you know you can transport yourself short distances using the energy that dwels inside of you?” “No.. can’t say I don’t” Matius replies. replies. “Well it’s a very useful ability which few have only been able to unlock. It’s very useful when escaping danger and difficult situations. Some have even been able to teleport themselves to the Earth by chance”.  Matius smiles, “what is earth?” Matius questions. Osaris pauses standing up, “Earth is a realm, similar to that which heaven and hell exist on. However the people that live there are advanced in their technology and in their way of life” Matius looks up in interest, “but why do we never go there?”. “Because the humans that live in their realm do not believe in angels or demons.  They fear the belief of demons or that of hell, because they believe us of evil”.

 

One session they both practise sword fighting. Matius clumsily yet enthusiast smiling. “So my son do your eyes have a dream on what you wish to be?” Matius blocks his father’s attack raising his wooden sword into the air, smiling. “I want to be a great fighter like you father” His father looks at him before patting his head smiling, “that’s my son”. Their training session over they... They walk down the small corridor with pictures decorating the walls. As they walk his father turns to look at him, “You know I’m proud of you”,, he says looking down towards him. “Really?”, Matius responds. “Really” he answers encouraging Matius. “You know one day Matius I will show you the royal palace itself”. Matius turns towards his father in interest, “What is the royal palace father?”  he asks as they walk. “Well Matius the royal palace palace is a place where the greatest warriors are. They live their and they rest there. It also holds the royal bloodline. Where only those with royal blood may venture. It’s a place where many men like myself would wish to be. Perhaps I may tell you about it sometime”.
  Matius and his father enter the house. On their left is the circular stairway leading up to the bedrooms, in front of them the living room a circular room with a low table directly in the centre and to their right leading to the kitchen. Matius’s attention shifts towards the kitchen as something good is cooking. He walks inside noticing his mother washing up no doubt cleaning her used equipment. Hearing Matius she turns around bearing a smile as he fills her arms. She closes her eyes lovingly before opening them again hearing Osaris walk inside. “What’s cooking?” he asks curiously interested in the smell. Finished washing up she places her towel on the holder, “it’s our meal for tonight. For me to know and for you to find out. But for now it’s time to do some shopping” Osaris looks back at the oven before looking back at her, “what do we need to get?” he replies. “ohh just some things for breakfast and we’re running low on bread. Besides I think Matius would like to go to the market”

 

Author's Note

This will be edited. Some grammar mistakes

Reviews

[dw817]

⊰ℙℝ⊱ (personal review)
You personally requested a review from me so you're gonna get it. (In more ways than one). :D

"The power to create life or to destroy it from [existance/existence]." (sp)
"In response the [entitiy/entity] declared that for peace to pass, one of the sons must die." (sp)
"from primitive primates to the [homo/Homo] sapiens." (phylum)
"If the soul was [richeous/rich] or true" (sp/malform)
"Fights turned into wars and [friendshiops/friendships] turned into rivalries." (sp)
"He just wishes his [drems/dreams] of reuniting heaven and hell" (sp)

Hmm ! There are a few redundancies in this as well, but that oughta be enough for now. Lemme know when you catch up. :)

[Shane Williams]

I know there will be spelling mistakes -_-

[dw817]

Well normally I don't point them out, but when someone personally requests a review, I hold nothing back and critique it in toto. However - I'll make another one above based just on the story shall I ?

[Shane Williams]

go for it :).

[Jamie Cook]

Yep there are grammar mistakes but you seem to know that already :) this was a good story line it did keep my attention however maybe if you fixed it, it'd be simpler to read. Plus I'm curious as to what happened to Ivan and Dervish. I do like Matias though, he sounds adorable :3

[Shane Williams]

Read the next chapters to find out more :))

[Jamie Cook]

kk sure :) but tomorrow cause i have school aaaand...i did NOT do any of my essays XD

[RainDancer1997]

Honestly, I mean it's a great story I'm sure. I read the prologue and I happen to notice this isn't the story for me. Being a Christian my feelings are getting in the way of reading what's there instead of criticizing it. I mean I'm sure its a great story it's just not for me:)

[dw817]

⊰ℙℝ⊱ (personal review #2 - just my impression on the story - as requested)

Your story almost sounds precursor to Genesis, where Good is chosen in one hand and Evil in the other. This theme was also spoken of in Wizards, which I will be posting this Saturday.

http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wizards_%28film%29

While it is a given Evil hates Good in most well-known faery tales, you are not going into the detail or back story of why this particular evil hates this particular good. It is not merely enough to be evil or good, you must have a purpose, a drive, a motive - a scheme.

In Wizards, two sons are born. One named Blackwolf, the other Avatar.

Blackwolf hated Avatar not just because Avatar was good, but because Avatar was WEAK in his eyes. Blackwolf was jealous of Avatar's good fortune. Of how simpering and faithful to his Mother he was. It made him sick to his black heart.

That is the true corruption of evil over good, the bullying. The feeling that someone is better than another, where might overpowers right. Consider the 7 deadly sins as the background and emotive state of your wicked one.

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.

And counter these with the 7 opposites:

Prudence, Justice, Temperance, Courage, Faith, Hope, and Love.

Evil has a purpose, a goal. It is not merely evil - in one retrospect it seeks to be and consume all things. It is hungry for this. It is hungry to gain it all without consequence or reason. The absolute chaos of the abyss.

These elements I believe will need to be written in to your story in order for the readers to become intimately acquainted with your own sons of good and evil. You mention a great war between good and evil - but what is the cause of their quarrel ? The reader will want to know this.

[Wall of Words]

Hi Shane. Firstly: it's a great start. And you're lucky I'm an atheist. In your novel description or author's note on the book, I suggest that you mention this is a book that deals with possibly religiously-touchy areas like Heaven and Hell. Also: Definitely edit this! You have lots of grammatical errors, and I found it rather difficult to read. The quotation marks didn't end in many places, everything just seemed to run on... by reading through it with a red pen or something, you could make this a much easier read for your readers. :)
Now, for the story itself: I like the way you began. You were straight to the point, and gave a very story-like aura to it. The sword fighting is interesting. However, you should tell us when more about what age Matius is at each interval that way we can keep track of when the different events happened.
The beginning of an interesting plot is definitely forming. The birth separation? the inability to feel the pain of a cut? It certainly arouses curiosity!
Another thing: You mention that Sousan suddenly step into the room with Matius and Osaris. How does that happen and why? I found that part rather confusing, since I figured the sons were separated for a reason not so that he could see his real father in some other way...

I hope this hasn't discouraged you! It is definitely a good start. If you wish, I could continue on with this story. And if you edit all the grammar and such, I would be very willing to re-review the story for you. :)
Good writing!
Sylvia.

[Shane Williams]

I made a mistake with the Sousan bit it's suppost to be Osaris

[Cody Williams]

Great beginning! Love the details! Very descriptive chapter! The perfect way for a book to begin. I love fantasies and stories about war. Great job!

-CW

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing opening to the story. The strong description gave life to the characters. I like the detail of the war and the separation. I like the description of the birth and naming of the children. No weakness in the chapter. You have my attention. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote