Ah, Shane. Refreshing to see a short poetry request. These are a little easier to handle than the prose I usually get asked to look over. Anyway, you have summoned me, and thus I will do as you ask.
My first suggestion will likely be an unusual one. I loathe the title. Seriously, can't stand it. Though writers and word lovers in general may know Pharology, and it does make sense, it just feels too wordy for such a quick hitting and strong work. Yes, I have positive marks for you, but I prefer to make the more important commentary first. I recommend referencing timelessness or the sand. How about "Hourglass"? This poem slowly reveals a distant lighthouse to your reader, and the title should give a little sense of mystery. I don't like titles that give away the ending, if you catch my drift.
You've earned a soft spot in my heart for successful alliteration. I don't think I need to remind you how powerful this can be in the right hands, and you have not only used it correctly, but thoroughly weaponized it. Bravo. It also implies a deeper meaning that only some may catch; are YOU the lighthouse? Or, is no one?
Beyond that, I have little else to say, as my only grievance with this work revolves around the title. Still, if you ever need an editor for larger works, I'm always accepting new contracts. I'll be in touch. Oh, and give some of my stuff a read sometime. Song of Sinai is back in the workshop, but the more folks that know my name, the better.
I have to admit I am clueless when it comes to deconstructing a poem, my enjoyment lies solely in the imagery, anything else is a bonus for me! I really liked the descriptions you made. I loved the image of the lighthouse rising up from the sand, very powerful!
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Than you karmel, i'm glad on some level I could provide contentment
This flows so smoothly!
"My true mistress is nature,
and with every stone cast into
the darkness of abrasive night,
morning shows she expands my coast."
That's my favorite part.
Awesome job on this poem! :)
Lighthouses have long had an air of mystery about them. Your words are well chosen and the repetition is effective. Mystical and intriguing write....enchanting! Lydi**
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Thank you for the review, I'm glad you liked it :)
A poet is in actuality a lighthouse of sorts in the dark domain of ignorance and blinded selves. A poet like you can be a great one too...Bravo.............
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Thank you sami,that is a major complement from you!
Thank you raymond! I was listening to your sound cloud earlier and I have to say, I'm impressed by y.. read moreThank you raymond! I was listening to your sound cloud earlier and I have to say, I'm impressed by your intro!
10 Years Ago
LOL thanks... always trying out new things. I thought it be kinda ... umm you know..Magoo like but I.. read moreLOL thanks... always trying out new things. I thought it be kinda ... umm you know..Magoo like but I figured WTH go for it. ;)
10 Years Ago
It's a class A idea! It definitely should be a featured thing on this site!