An All American Girl

Me fighting with my mental illness and trying to stay strong

look into the mirror I see an old, tired woman who has let the world break her. But I'm not that old I am only twenty-two yet life has made me age. "You look terrible." Came a bitter voice from behind, I ignore it. "Come now you can't ignore me forever." I squeeze my eyes shut trying to push the voice out of my mind. "Go away." I whisper. 

"Tsk, tsk." said the voice "Remember what they said pushing me further down will only make things worse." I swallowed hard I knew she was right all the therapist have told me the harder I fought it the stronger it would just become, but I just can't accept that part of me. I turn around,away from the mirror, and open my eyes. There she was standing in front of me; her hair as black as night, her eyes matching her hair, and teeth a bright white. She's skinnier then me, prettier too, yet she looks like me around the cheeks and chin. "I don't care what they say," I  reply, "I'm not letting you in." She smiled her usual evil grin at me. 

"You can't fight me forever, I'm a part of you."

"No you're not, you're a monster. You want to hurt people, I want to protect them."

"What's that saying 'There's a fine line between being a hero and a monster'." She laughed, cackled really it sent a shiver up my spine. I could feel her wanting out trying to fight her way into reality. 

"Stop it Sweeney!" That name I use to love it from watching the musical before I became so broken, but when she came she took it as her name and ruined it. She got close to me inches away from my face. 

"I wont stop it because I want out! I want to come out and play!" 

"No! If I let you out for just a moment I know what will happen. You'll start hurting people, maybe not physically at first, but you'll start eventually. The worse part is I know I'll like it. I'll want you to stay out because I'll enjoy the power I get of hurting others, always being the one that does the hurting instead of being the one that gets hurt."

"If you let me out I promise to make you thin, I'll find someone to love you, and we can get back at all those people that ruined you, that made you turn so weak." She was circling me like a vulture, the left side of my head was starting to hurt. It always did when she was trying to push her way free. That's what it felt like, like someone was beating on the inside of my head.

"If I wanted to be thin I would do the work my self. I would stop eating so much and actually go to the gym, like I should. As for love I have a girlfriend now hopefully she'll stay-" She cut me off laughing.

"Stay? You think she'll stay? Everyone leaves you Nicole. Everyone. They see your a monster, that somethings wrong with you which is why no ones ever loved you. Your mother telling you she wanted a boy not a girl and pushing you to suicide. And your father, well we can thank him for finally being the one for breaking you and making me. He beat you and killed your cats, the only creatures in this world that ever loved you unconditional and loved more than the air you breathed. I could go on but I see my words are finally getting through to you." I was in tears now, every word she spoke was true. Something was wrong with me maybe even since birth. No one in my family loved me I was always ignored until they needed someone to punish and dump on to make themselves feel better. Then my father, I thought maybe he was the only person who did love me until I went to live with me and he committed that terrible deed. Ever since that day I've never been the same I had always been a fighter. Ever time I was kicked down by life I would get back up and say "Is that all you got?" But not any more I lay there and allow life to beat me with a baseball bat, because life doesn't play fair even in a fight. 

"If you get out and hurt one innocent person, I'll kill myself."

"No you wont. How many times have you tried to kill yourself now six, seven? You don't even know any more you've tried so many times. You've never had any real friends, you're twenty-two failing in college, about to be thrown out of you place because you have no money from working that s****y job, and your parents wont help. Let me out and I'll give you a life you deserve. I life you'll want to live. But if you keep fighting me you'll either run yourself into the grave or into a mental institution because I'll have driven you crazy."

"If I let you out I'll end up with a needle in my arm or in prison for the rest of my life! Now go away and let me have some peace."

"Let me out Nicole. Let me out! LET! ME! OUT!" I close my eyes trying to to push her away. I try to find some happy thoughts but there are so few and the ones that I have are tainted by doubt. But I have to keep fighting, I have to. Because I wont let my dark side win.