life

An in-depth look into my thoughts

            People tend to not realize how much energy it takes to wake up and face another day that we weren’t promised in the first place. Often situations arise that transform us into people we never knew we were, or never had the inclination that we could be. Life is full of storms and so many times we don’t know how to maintain ourselves, our demeanor, and more-so than anything our sanity. Learning to cope is a tedious journey and once we figure out a mechanism to cope with the now, the thought of the future stirs up stresses and the thought of the “what if” or “why come” haunt our dreams and manifest themselves in our realities.

            I always knew that life was more than just a journey. It is a blessing, a curse, a stressor, an intimidator, and an influence all in one. There are numerous times that I find myself not understanding those moments that arise within my cycle and I wonder how in the world I managed to wake up and keep going. Everyone has a path and there is no one who can understand it fully, because they may have had similar scenarios, but there journey is still theirs, and your journey is still yours. I find myself wondering what is that I have done to make me question not only the bad but the good as well. What will it take for this mind of mine to stop running on overdrive and gallantly scroll amidst my path without passing this cycle on to my children?

            There are moments where I don’t know how to cope and I rare back and grab hold onto my spiritual background and hope that it will awaken something in me so mightily that instead of coping with things, I’ll learn to appreciate them. I use this to validate the thought that everything that happens has to have a reason for it. That there is a clearer understanding or a lesson to be learned from an experience and when it is all done, that I will know that it was something that was needed, whether it was good or bad. Once the cycle is complete and I feel the little bit of peace and calm, I find that I still have questions. Questions that are so relevant that it boggles every part of my mind and sometimes intertwines my soul. Have I really coped with a situation or did I form a reason for the situation to be okay? Did I exist in the moment or was I just present? Living and coping, coping to live, or just living to say I existed are all tedious interpretations of life that I try to justify.

            All I have is my words and they are powerful tools that I have to learn to use that will cause an unimaginable impact on my life. They are an alley way that provides me with hope, with criticism, with a little more push and drive than the day I had before. They are tools that allow me to brighten up someone else’s day, but often times I am a loss of encouraging sentiments when in regard to one’s own self. How is it that the very beacons of light that I have for others are so abstract when it comes to having them for me? What do I need to say or do to speak life into my own situations? How is it that my words seem so powerful when given to others but when given to myself in my thoughts, they are so faint and disapproving?

            Am I helping by writing this note of expression to myself? Am I coping with my situation in the present time and don’t even realize that I am doing so? What made me rise this morning and despite the fact that I wasn’t aware of my surroundings, I still pushed forward through this day? I don’t have the answers, but I feel that I’ve impacted my path by releasing these black symbols on a canvas that at once was blank with no meaning, but now is my work of art and expression. This is my venting session and even though it was written in privacy, at some point someone will stumble upon it and view my private struggles and understand my dilemma. This will or won’t be a life skill that I’ve established and who is the judge and juror that will say I’ve excelled at it?

                      Shamika Rena Johnson