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Reviews are much appreciated.

Anger boiled inside me, and the gun shook in my hand. The mockery danced in my ears, the voice taunting, just out of reach. Yet, it was so close, as if I could just reach out, and strangle the terror… The fear. He sat in front of me, his hands raised over his face in a defensive position. Blood caked his hair and several bleeding cuts ran across his face, like claw marks. I heard a growl. A deep, sinister threat that echoed around him, surrounding him in an invisible bubble. He began shivering; small chokes of a sob escaping his chapped lips. “Don’t kill me.” Was what slipped from his lips, fearful and shaky. I responded. A soft hum, that caused him to relax and pass out within seconds.

 

“I won’t.”

 

Suddenly, my eyes snapped open, the bed sheets tangled around my legs and arms. Cold sweat drenched every aspect of my being. I gasped, choking on air. I blinked several times, and shook from head to foot, trying to regain my breathing. I screamed, and flipped out of bed, the sheets seeming to cling on, and stretch their way up my throat. I knew I was just being paranoid, but the dream…

 

I stumbled to my feet, ripping and tearing at the sheets, the sweat pouring off me like water. My hair stuck to my head, neck and back. I shook my head, trying to clear it, and when I refocused my eyesight, I screeched with horror. The door busted open as soon as the scream was over, and Josh stumbled in, grabbing onto the doorknob for support. He took one look at me, and then turned.

 

“I didn’t see anything,” he said hesitantly. I shook my head, knowing he wouldn’t hear or see me, and I scrambled to him, and turned him around. He looked into my eyes, and held my face in his hands. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head again, unable to speak and moved his hands away. I looked at him again, and then broke down sobbing against his chest. I held his shirt in my hands, and I cried until all the moisture had seemed to leave my body.

 

When I had calmed down a little, I stumbled away from him, as if I was drunk, and I collapsed onto the bed, curling into a ball. I rocked back and forth, shaking. Small tears slipped down my face. Josh stood in the doorway, his outline framed by the small trickles of moonlight that snaked its way through his side of the room, to mine. I looked up at him, and whispered so low, it was as if I hadn’t spoken at all, just moved my lips.

 

I coughed, and choked again, “It’s here. They’re here. My death is soon. They’re watching. They’re waiting.” I got up and swayed toward Josh. His eyes held concern, and he was scared. I could tell. But so was I, “Josh… Help me. I need to get out of here.” I whispered those words, the last ones slurring together, until a black wave pulled me into its depths.

Author's Note

I am looking for good, helpful reviews. I would like to know if this is a terrible piece of writing, or if it is good. I just came up with it, and hoenstly, I don't know what's going to happen. I'll make it up as I go. But for this, do you like it? Is it a good intro? Is there any grammer problems or anything that I missed when I reread it? Is the main idea suckish? Does it make sense? I want all the information and help that I can get please. Honestly, the harsher the review, the better. :) Thank you for anyone that actually takes the time to read this, and I will appreciate even the smallest review.

Reviews

[William Usry]

Well you definitely got my attention. I enjoyed this very much and I see a great deal of potential.

What I liked:
This is a very well written piece. You harness a great deal of detail in painting the scene and I could very vividly picture the characters' thoughts and actions as they played out. And the suspense is magnificent, gripping the reader into wanting a resolution to all the questions that you pose.

What needs work:
I know it doesn't seem possible, but you can actually be too descriptive. It interrupts the story's flow and burdens the reader by forcing them to absorb information that you've already shown them. There are a few cases of this common pitfall here. The most prevalent is your repeated description of the character's sweat. It seems you both showed and told there. You may want to trim off all the unnecessary parts where you tell the reader that the character is sweating (i.e. the sweat pouring off me like water. ) and keep the parts where you show the reader (i.e. , "the sheets seeming to cling on, and stretch their way up my throat." and "My hair stuck to my head, neck and back."). Given the choice between overstating and understating, always understate. Remember that readers hate having their intelligence insulted and they know when you're repeating yourself. Let them figure it out...its half the fun of reading.

The only other main issue that I saw regarded the content. While this section grabbed my attention and left me asking questions (both vital elements to a story's development) I felt i was left with too many questions. If I were you, I would extend the dream sequence a bit and include a bit more dialogue between your main character and Josh. Let the brief conversation reveal a bit more about what is happening. Remember that if you tease the reader too much, they will become frustrated and stop reading.

But remember that I'm far from a literary expert. Opinions are a dime a dozen and there are just some of mine. Overall, an excellent first draft. I look forward to seeing more of this story!

[Casper Cross]

I thought this was very good Shadow. You are drawing a very descriptive picture with your writing. I don't agree that this piece is overly descriptive, but I would actually claim that it's not descriptive enough. The setting is obviously this girl's bedroom, but who is this guy... Josh? Brother? Boyfriend? Husband. You don't have to give away the story but there needs to be some reason for him being there and the opening chapter is a good opportunity to really explain and drive your character development.

All in all very good, love the dark and sinister tone to your writing.

[DeadlySoul]

very descriptive please msg' me when you add the new chapter :]

[MoonlitAngel]

I thought this was very good, and extremely descriptive, but it held no meaning. As in, it made the reader have several questions slide into their head as the read. I will be waiting for the next chapter though. Good luck writing, and keep going. :) i really enjoyed reading it.