Eclipse

above the clouds in a world lit by star light
two beings resided with a love that burned so bright,
the sun with golden hair and a firey smile
and her true love the moon who sat in exile.
for the moon and the sun were to be kept apart,
it didn't stop the two from giving the other their heart.
it was the suns job to cover the world in her light
but she was truly only happy when day turned to night
and she'd watch the moon with his heavenly white glow
light up the darkness and make the stars show.
the moon, like the sun, watched his love in the day
shining brighter than he could in every way
how he long to be with his love wrapped in her warm embrace,
instead of sitting alone on the other side of space.
thats when he decided, ¨i've had enough of this."
"i'm going over to steal one kiss"
so he ran to his love and collided with a spark,
the two shrouding the world in a temporary dark,
at last the two could meet their lips
showing their love with a spectacular eclipse

Author's Note

Any good?

Reviews

[streetrose]

This piece has potential, but is in need of heavy revising. There are many simple errors, and when one chooses such an overdone theme, one must work much harder. Most of the mistakes in this piece would have been caught had you read this out loud to yourself or had a peer read through it for you.

[Shadow]

Thank you I will revise it

[The Unknown Sith]

It's a simple concept but, flows well.Only thing is this has been done to death; maybe more of a twist then the two half's completing each other. Otherwise you run into this concept while good vs. the millions before it. Just my opinion still think it's good though.

[Shadow]

Thank you so much for the feedback (: it will really help me as I continue my writing.