I Remember

One remembers their relationship's ups and downs.

I remember looking into her eyes as they mocked me. She’d laugh at my mistakes and even at me. She hated me and I knew it, but I was doomed to be around her as long as we shared friends.

 

 I could never be good enough for her. Even though I was used to having most of my classmates hate me, I wasn’t used to having that hatred shoved into my face. It was a cold shock of reality. I wasn’t the tough guy who people feared; I was just the dick who people hated.

 

I remember looking into her eyes as I snapped at her. I yelled and ran her down like I’ve never done to another before. I watched as I hurt her and I didn’t care.

 

I wasn’t going to let her affect me anymore. I had my own problems and I didn’t need hers to make them worse. I was better off without her. I was sick and tired of being her punching bag, it was time she felt how she made me feel. It was time she noticed how horrible she was.

 

I remember looking into her eyes as she put the soda in the basket. Her hair was uncombed and she was in what looked like her pajamas. I realized then just how much I hurt her. I never meant to hurt her that bad, just enough to make her leave me alone. Now I knew that I hit those sensitive cords that strung her together, snipping at them. I had cut at the very things keeping her afloat, weakening them greatly. I hated myself.

 

I lent out my hand to her. I was going to make up what I did. I apologized for snapping at her. I gave her a smile and asked to be friends. This time I meant it. It was time I stopped being the dick.

 

I remember looking into her eyes as I gripped my hand around her wrist. I wasn’t going to let her win. For once, couldn’t she just let it go? Couldn’t I win?

 

I threw the red Sorry! pieces across the room. I made us both lose in that one act. If we couldn’t agree, then neither of us got to be red. She glared at me and I smiled. She laughed one of those laughs that tell you that she actually finds it funny. I don’t know what that did for us exactly, but we seemed to have drawn closer to each other. I leaned over and kissed her.

 

I remember looking into her eyes after we had sex for the very first time. My feelings for her were torn apart; I didn’t know what to feel anymore. She seemed to have taken a little piece of me and I didn’t even know if I wanted it back.

 

As time moved on, I learned how much she meant to me. I found out I would do anything for her. She was the most important thing in my world. I would have died for her.

 

I remember looking into her eyes as she told me I wasn’t the one she wanted. My world shattered in that single moment. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Most of all, I wanted her.

 

We were fools. We both were trying to show the other one that they wanted them, without being blunt. Both of us were afraid of rejection, but wanted the other so bad it would hurt.

 

I remember looking into her eyes when we started dating. Tears touched the brims of her eyes as she held them back. I wanted to cry too. For the first time in my life I felt complete. I was happy.

 

I couldn’t keep a secret from her. The few I did were because I couldn’t stand to face them. How do you tell someone about the evil you know? The fights came with those few secrets, but it was three little words that drove me crazy. Silence came from those three little words she yelled at me. I was unsure of what to do and so I did nothing.

 

I remember looking into her eyes and telling her I love her. She froze. There was a look of shock planted on her face as tears began to well up in her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her, pulled her to me, and whispered it what seemed to be a thousand times in her ear.

 

Slowly, bit-by-bit, I showed my true side. I had held the demon so far in, even embraced him, that I had forgot how ugly he was. We both were blind to who I really was. I was just pretend.

 

I remember looking into her eyes as blood ran down her face. I could feel the sticky wetness of her blood on my fingers. My demon had shown his ugly face. I had hit her for no other reason than the fact that she had grabbed me.

 

I wasn’t worth it anymore. Though that’s not what she said, that’s what she meant when she broke up with me. We were over. The one person that made me feel alive was gone. It was over. I was over.

 

I remember looking into her eyes, my sight fuzzy from sleep. She sat by my side, my mother behind her. What she was doing there, I didn’t know. I couldn’t be in Heaven, because of what I did to her, and there was no logical reason why she’d be in Hell with me. I didn’t deserve to have her by me.

 

She softly gripped my bandaged arm, her eyes filled with tears. I realized then that I wasn’t dead but in the hospital. I felt horrible. How could she be next to me after what I did to her? How could she possibly forgive me?

 

I remember looking into her eyes as she silently blamed herself for my injury. She sat next to me at my physical therapy. No matter how much I tried to convince her that it wasn’t her fault, she never listened. She silently blamed herself every time she’d see the scar on my arm.

 

Though the anger management classes seemed to be going great, I was still afraid I’d hurt her again. I wouldn’t believe her when she’d tell me that I wasn’t the same man now as the man I was when I hit her, just as I wasn’t the same as I was when we first met. I knew the latter was true, but only a few short weeks wasn’t going to make me a better person, like she seemed to think.

 

I remember looking into her eyes everyday. Her smile would ignite my own, destroying all reasons to be depressed. She gave me a reason to reach for my dreams, a reason to love, and a reason to live. She was my star, my hope, and my heart. Without her, I never would have found a way out of the dark paths I paved for myself as a young teenager. Without her, I’d still be the boy who didn’t care about anyone.

 

I’ll always remember.

 

Reviews

[Poetic Injustice]

This is an amazing piece of catharsis! I was moved every single line! Bravo you.

[Babbette Francis]

wow, it took some great courage to admit what you've done. I had been abused by my husband for years. We're now 1 year seperated and working things out. He's almost a totally different man, but I'm still afraid at times. I'm afraid that things will change again.

I like what you've said about her. It shows you care very deeply, but you're afraid too. Afraid things will change again... Just like me.

I Love your Story. I'm glad I read it.