What Am I Feeling?

A mixture of emotions is the recipe for disaster.

Emotions mix and blend,
Till they make their chaos,
they make their confusion,
Till they create one great loss.

I pound my head against the wall,
I beat my fists upon the floor,
What is it I am feeling?
Why can I feel no more?

The burns are burning,
The cuts are spilling,
The mind is dying,
What am I feeling?

It's something that I cant explain,
It's something no words can place,
It's something that tears at the soul,
It's something no man can trace.

I sit and cry at night,
and feel the knife's pain,
tearing across my arms,
and bringing out the strain.

Where are my friends at this time?
Why am I abandoned in time of need?
Cant they see me in pain?
Cant they see me burn and bleed?

No... they are completely blind.
They cant see something I hide,
but why try to make them see,
all other attempts had failed and died.

Let them be blind and ignorant.
Let them be happier than I.
It wouldn't have to matter to them,
whether I live or die.

I hate them... but love them.
I wish them no ill dealings,
but I wish them to be damned.
Oh God on high, what am I feeling?!

I plead a thousand pleas.
I think a thousand wounds.
I drop a thousand tears.
I slash a thousand wounds.

How long must I live on?!
How long must I wait?!
Will the friendship that I need,
ever arrive, or will it be too late?
How long must I live on?
When will I get healing?
Will I ever find true love?
God, hated and loved,
Whom I despise, whom I respect,
Answer me this one question,
What am I feeling?