OUR BEGINNING

"A distinctive rhyming pattern"

It feels so grand, to hold your hand,

And walk wherever you will lead,

The stars above, shining with love,

And you by me is all I need.

 

Just one last while, these lips will smile,

As we will cross this endless shore,

Your hand in mine, will make things fine,

I’m sure a man cannot want more.

 

We will move on, all worries gone,

For we have cut ties with this Earth.

The splashing waves, will form our graves,

As we enter the Land of Mirth.

 

The moon and stars, shall bear the scars,

That we had once borne on our hearts.

The sun will rise, up in the skies,

And find us where the New Life starts.

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Gosh, Shabeeh!
This is simply stunning work, My Friend, with a flow like silk ribbons in a gentle breeze.
Your presentation in color and italics softens the feel and appeals to the mind's-eye, your lines, each composed of skillfully laid and chosen words in perfect iambic tetrameter, virtually dance upon the page; then, there is the spot-on rhyme scheme that any rhyming poet would envy … naturally, as do I.
Technically, though your count is precisely in-tune with my Fours 'n Eights form, the rhyme-scheme is not exactly the same, as mine is a-a,b,a-a,b, while yours is a-a,b,c-c,b … sooo close! : )
Whatever, I sincerely love, not only the form of this piece, but the promising, romantic message that danced out from your mind and heart onto the page, for us to marvel at and enjoy.

Thank you ever-so gratefuly, Shabeeh, for sharing your fine penmanship … smiles to you! ⁓ Richard

[Shabeeh Haider]

Richard, thank you for this amazing review. It has been a pleasure to meet a poet like you who has such a varied style of writing. And writing in rhymes has won you a permanent fan

[Richard🖌]

I, too, admire your style, Shabeeh, and am sincerely proud to be your fan! : )

[Vatsal Rohilla (account..]

This is amazingly beautiful. A commendable job. I mean, I have no words for commending this extraordinary piece. The form is pretty good- wonderful, actually. The work of yours aroused a wonderful and happy feeling in me. This is really deep.
One little error though- it must be "Our Beginning" not "Our Begining"
Still, you notch up a full score on this one.
Excellent. Keep writing.

[Shabeeh Haider]

thank you for pointing that out. I missed it while posting. Thank you for your continuous kind words of support

[Kuro]

Is the subject two star-crossed lovers about to walk into the ocean? Or is the subject more metaphorical?

[Shabeeh Haider]

Haider, i wrote this poem a long time back I think I was 18 years old or so. It can be taken as meataphorical but I had the idea of two rejected lovers ending their life to be together, forever

[Kuro]

Yes that was I got. A Romeo and Juliet walking in to the ocean to be together forever in the next life. It was emotionally powerful yet not sentimental. Optimistic in the face of finality.