PAPERBOATS

When I was just a little boy

I’d make a paper boat,

And in the puddle on the road

I’d watch it stay afloat.

And when I thought that it would last,

For it had seemed quite strong.

My boat would sink before my eyes;

It did not last for long.

And now I am a grown up man,

I have my world of dreams.

But these are like those paper boats

They do not last, it seems.

You are the dream, I cannot keep,

And yet I can’t let go.

Those paper boats, I could replace,

With dreams it is not so.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Great comparison between paper boats & dreams. You've explained in clear, simple terms that anyone could understand. I find your final point interesting & original -- that paper boats can be replaced, but not dreams. Not sure I agree with this, but it's still a thought-provoking idea.

First line: "When I had been a little boy" . . . might sound better as: "When I was a little boy" . . .

[Shabeeh Haider]

We keep on dreaming and at every stage of life we have different dreams. There is however one such dream that will never change one such person who can never be replaced by any one else. However you have every right to disagree and I am sure many people will.
As for the first line, I have corrected it. While trying to keep the balance of every line, I sometimes compromise on what is grammatically more correct.
Thank you for your wonderful words. Have a good day and keep dreaming. :)

[barleygirl]

I understand your meaning better now, about having one particular dream / person / entity that's not replaceable.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Shabeeh Haider,
"PAPERBOATS" felt like the volume of life's waters; dreams. The paper boats the dreams becoming real to you; the little boy. Maybe the little child within our hearts needs to remember the paper boats of our youth and never stop dreaming. This poem was just so fun to read. Thanks much for the inspiration
Kathy

[Shabeeh Haider]

Thank you for your very kind review

[Kathy Van Kurin]

This poem was just so very whimsical and just a delight. It was my pleasure.

[Glen Weimann]

Hi Shabeeh. I like this. I like the way it transitions from paper boats to dreams and the similarities and differences you describe. I also like the fact that the scan and meter have not led you into trite rhymes. I also like the fact that - don't take this the wrong way - it's short! Its brevity makes it punchy. It says what it wants to say and then finishes. Strong similarities to William Hughes Mearns 'Antigonish' [Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there].

So while I like so much about it, it was actually quite easy to almost skip un-noticingly past the reference to 'you', the dream that could not be kept. If the 'you' in question was someone special, then despite my liking the poem's brevity, I wonder if this part is a little too fleeting and that perhaps, in some ways, a few more lines on 'you'' might have been appropriate? It's as though the writer or speaker of the poem has adopted a no nonsense 'so be it' approach to a 'you' that's done and dusted, so no point wallowing on about it. I think in the whole poem, it's the one aspect that keeps niggling away at me.

In all other respects, a very nice job!
Regards, Nigel

[Shabeeh Haider]

Nigel, thank you for such a detailed review. I do agree with you that the 'YOU" refers to the dream and it is just a fleeting sentence and a few more lines would have helped to get the point through. After all the whole poem is about " You are the dream, I cannot keep. And yet I can't let go..."
Maybe because I don't really give much time to a particular poem. The poetry just comes on its own. At times when I am shopping, or driving a car or even performing a surgery ( I am a doctor by profession).
At times I want to say something totally different from what appears on paper. It is as if my words have a mind of their own which is independent from me.
I do appreciate your very encouraging words and have a great day ahead.

[Glen Weimann]

Yes, there's something about not tinkering once the creative outburst has passed. Any intervention, well intended though it might be to address some area for improvement, is more likely to dilute, jar, etc. It's a fine balance. I personally do try to work on poems, for example, if the scan and meter are leading me towards a trite rhyme (which, as I say, you avoided), but it's a fine line.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account..]

This is so very well written and described that I could see everything occurring in my mind. I was quite fond of paper boats when I was about five-six years old. Whenever it rained, I would go out on the road and see my boat sail in a puddle- somehow, I never learned the art of making a paper boat; I would have my granny do that for me.
Your comparison of the paper boat with dreams is excellent. You feel the dreams are coming alive, but they end up breaking- just like a paper boat sinks. The second stanza highlights love and brings out a bit of sadness mixed with good comparison with paper boat.
Very well-written and keep writing.

[Shabeeh Haider]

Vatsal, thank you for your wonderful review

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I love this! It flows so well. The comparison brings in the innocence of childhood with its wonder and hope, and then the disappointment of what happens that is beyond the child's knowledge about the paper and the water. Then, when you bring in the relationship it hits even harder...I suppose we are all still children, just in an older body. Beautiful.

[Shabeeh Haider]

I guess you are right, we are still children but in an older body. Thank you for your very kind words

[1]

When our dreams die, a part of us dies with them. We usually succumb to the what ifs................... Those paper boats.

[Tinman07]

Call me old fashioned but I love a poem with rhyme and metre.

I like the simplistic comparison because it offers such depth at the same time.

The boats are like dreams, but the dreams are unlike boats... a well crafted contradiction.

Thank you

[Shabeeh Haider]

Thank you for your very kind words

[Lydia Shutter]

Never give up on your dreams, Shabeeh. The paper boat metaphor is touching and a good one. Just a tiny edit....in the first line, it should say, "When I was a little boy." I enjoy your writing. Lydi**

[Shabeeh Haider]

Thank you for your words and the edit. I try my utmost to maintain the meter and balance of a rhyming poetry. If I write, "When i was a little boy", the meter of the poem would be disrupted. I will however try to edit it and maintain the flow as well. Thank you for your wonderful opinion

[Lydia Shutter]

Same amount of syllables either way and grammatically it is not correct as it is now.