Dear Little Me

Its been 10 years

Dear Little Me,

I can't believe it's already been ten years since you wrote to me. I finally got your letter. 

You know its funny, I always thought you had written a lot more, but I suppose you didn't really know what to ask back then.
You did ask me some things of course, about love, about happiness, and if I missed the days you are living now.

To each and every one of them I can confidently answer yes; and no.

I did find love, a couple times, though I only asked one of them. And through them I learned what love truly felt like with no strings attached, no thorns, just someone who truly cared for me. They had a big heart, but they only had room for one person to love, and when they visited their old friend, well, I let them go because I loved them.

I also learned to love myself more. I know you probably think that's sappy an just a thing people say, but it's so important; and its a hard lesson to learn. I also learned that my way of loving is a bit different. I prefer companionship over the love you'd find on TV. A bit more on that later.

All that said, I also haven't found the love you asked me about. Right now I'm on my own, and for the time being, that's okay. I'm sure they are right under my nose like you said, but my heart is still freshly sore and not yet ready to try again. But when it is, I'm sure I'll find the one for me next time.

Like love I did find happiness too, I find myself happy with where I live, and the people I call my friends, and the artwork I do.
But more than just happiness I found my other emotions too. 

I found anger for those that do wrong by me and those I care about, and those that think its right to hurt others.
I found sadness in the distance between myself and those I love, and the relentless passing of time.
I found joy in the games I play with my friends, the walks I take in the woods, and the music I listen to as I walk home from work.
I found envy for what I don't have, fear of the future, disgust at the unjust.

I've laughed harder, screamed louder, cried longer. I've felt the world that used to make me numb, and all of it, the good and the bad, is wonderful.

You asked me if I missed the days you live in now. Or the ones you will live from here out. And sometimes I do.
I miss the simplicity of our life, though I'm sure you would tell me our life was anything but simple; and you wouldn't be wrong. But we had a routine, we didn't need to worry about rent, or taxes, or crazy corporate overlords. Though I have no doubt those are coming up soon. You're almost in college after all. I miss the places that used to be so familiar to me. The streets I could walk blindfolded. The infinitely small town, which is not so small any more.

But I also like where I am now. I talk to our brother more, our other siblings too. We're seeing a concert next month. I have roommates I like. I still have my friends from high school, well some of them at least. I also have friends all over the world. People so far from me that seeing them feels like a pipe dream, and yet we're pretty close. And I have met one of them. You'd cringe so hard if you knew where I work, but I love the people I work with and it makes it bearable. I love that I have the freedom to do what I want, if I want, and I get to sleep in on my days off. So I do like where I am now for the most part.

You also talked about change, and boy have we changed in the last 10 years.
Or rather I'm mostly the same but I understand things better than when I was you.
I learned to fight for what I believe in, and speak my mind, and I'm much more outspoken. It makes me come off a bit brash, but I've found people who appreciate that side of me.
I learned that I'm Asexual, which likely isn't a term you've found yet, but its exactly what you've been telling people all along, you just didn't know it yet.
I started taking some meds, they make me not hate myself when I look in the mirror. I'm sure you'll be looking forward to that, though it does require patience. Which I know you have, but it will still take a lot of it.
I have plants! I know you think you have a black thumb but honestly, we're doing okay with them.
I did cosplay! I bet you think I'm crazy for it, but it was fun to try.
I've had a couple of those "Just Jump" moments, and all of them were scary, and all of them were worth it.
And I've kept moving forward just as you said I should.

10 years. From where I'm standing it seems so short, though I know you will have trouble perceiving it from your end. The journey was good. It was worthwhile.
I'll see you when you get here.

Love: The Future

PS: To the me 10 years from now. It's my turn to ask questions.
First and foremost I hope you're doing well, and I hope you'll tell me about yourself.
Did we make it? Was it hard? Did we stumble? Did we get back up again?
How's the weather? Are you still playing games? Are our friends still around?
Are you still living in the same place? Are our siblings good? How about our parents?
What are your hopes and dreams?
I'll be there soon I'm sure, and you can tell me all about it.