Shades of Gray

More random thoughts. Written November 24th, 2007.

Shades of Gray

All of the colors are fading away. Like sand in an ocean tide, they are being sucked away from my life. Like a pebble falling off a mountain side. Like the rainbow fading slowly after the rising sun following that violent thunderstorm. They go silently, and hardly noticeable at times. Such brilliant, vibrant colors. Why do they have to go?

I'm standing out in the wide open. The muted clouds are churning overhead, threatening storms yet unseen. Storms that will crush any remaining colors that light up my dismal existence. Strangely, watching the colors go is comforting. For with them goes my heart. Protected for another time, another place. It cannot survive in this current state of mind. So, I set it free. I watch as the landscape turns to stone. As the life is sucked out of everything like a vacuum, brittle rock replaces it. Rock has no feeling, no nothing. The only thing it does is exist. Oblivious to anything around it, protected against emotions, devoid of anything that will bring harm to it. And even then, harm is nothing to a stone. If it is attacked, it will crumble into a million smaller pieces, yet it fears nothing and feels nothing. Ahhhh, to exist in such a state.

Shrill cries of agony wail from the distance. So close the sound, I cover my ears. Only then do I realize the cries are my own. I look upon my hands. Battered and bruised, they have seen better days. What these hands could have given, shared with those who needed them most. But I am drowning now. Falling forever into a darkness which provides eternal comfort. A cold place, a soothing place. My spirit is worn out. It desires only rest, and rest it shall have. I will throw up the walls to protect it yet again. Barriers are good. Safe. Don't tell me otherwise. Don't crush my dreams with hope. I know well what lies beyond my weary chaos. You cannot wake me. Salvation is gone now. Out of my reach. Forever.

Reviews

[Onyx Sky]

"I watch as the landscape turns to stone. As the life is sucked out of everything like a vacuum, brittle rock replaces it. Rock has no feeling, no nothing. The only thing it does is exist. Oblivious to anything around it, protected against emotions, devoid of anything that will bring harm to it. And even then, harm is nothing to a stone. If it is attacked, it will crumble into a million smaller pieces, yet it fears nothing and feels nothing. Ahhhh, to exist in such a state."

But when we die our bodies go back into the earth and are bones disentigrate and decompose into the earth. So that stone is many pieces and fragments of lost and forgotten souls. Still very much a part of you and I. Many thoughts and feelings lie in those smaller pieces, and they probably call out to us, but they are just to microscopic to hear. Maybe you can catch a glimpse and that's why you're so deeply moved.

[Cardinal Robin]

Indeed a sad place, with sad choices. Emotional flexibility is possible for those who choose to feel. Your emotions are intense as they are for most who write here. Your honesty is clear, your eloquence in it is endearing. Modern life, work and what little is left for time for love, media plagues us all with a barrage of "things" to make us feel good, and none of them works. What does work is to have a companion to share these experiences with. The best first choice for companion is ourselves. From there anything is possible.
You often impress me with your breadth of descriptive words and your ability to make epic images.

[LSS]

Amber, I love the analogy connecting gray with things turning into stone, the ultimate stone. Very nice. These somber thoughts we all have are artfully expressed here and yet not wasted. You are becoming an accomplished poet, able to capture thoughts and make them verbally visible. Continue to grow and get better. I should be crass and help you with some choppy parts, but you are catching up to yourself and will soon be able to find them. Continue to read great writers, Legion is one, he can help you as he has me. Love to have you as a friend.
Lar

[The Broken One]

This is very sad Amber but beautifully written. Because I know you so well, it does make me sad though. I love this though and love the way you are opening up. Keep it up girl.

-Chad-