The Runner

Neo-Paris, a city where memories can be digitised and stored. An illegal runner must transport an unknown memory in order to saver her sister.

The white blur sped along the rooftops above the screaming train. 

“Your sister has one hour, Nilin. Get here fast!”

Her cyber-brain still hissed. She smacked her head till it went away. Niyon. I’m coming. She jumped onto the train. The train halted to a stop over Musee du Louvre. She clenched her fists. The windows of the surrounding buildings trembled. A police-copter zoomed through the buildings and stopped next to the train. The police officer commanded her to stop. 

She leaped off the train and raced across the Louvre. The copter followed spewing empty threats. She scurried down the building and ran through the sea of suits to Pont des Arts. The ground shook behind. Chills ran down her spine. Two synthetic-police officers scanned the crowd. Nilin’s multi-coloured hair and tanned face flashed in front of their visors. The pedestrians to stood aside. Nilin jumped over the bridge and landed on a boat in the middle of the Seine floating market. She sprinted through the market, Square du vert-Galant lay just ahead. The synth-police’s white armour shone on their mechanical bodies as they raced along Voie George Pompidou. The last boat led to vert-Galant. She sprinted through the square to Pont Neuf. The synth-police turned the corner and charged at her with inhuman speed. She ran down Quai de l’Horloge. The Synths caught up, their mechanical voices commanded her to stop. She sped up pushing the suits and dresses aside. The copter followed. She turned into an ally, jumped down sewer entrance and closed the manhole cover. A synth smashed into it sending her flying into the sewer. 

Nilin sat in a grimy tent. A wire ran from the port in the back of her neck to a small relic on the floor. Sweat dripped from her head as her cries echoed throughout the tent. Acid and rosemary lined with garbage burned her nostrils. How much time do I have left? A one-eyed man stood in front of her. He wore patched up trench coat and a crooked grin on his face.  Neuro-Pirates. A boy hammered away at the keyboard of the relic. One-eye asked her questions she couldn’t answer. He smacked her in the mouth, “you speak?” His eyes lit up, “Artemis always liked helping retards.” He laughed and continued hacking her mind. A scream tore through the tent. The boy leaned through the curtain, “synth-police,” he said. One-eye glared. A metallic voice rang through the tent giving them five seconds.

“One”. The pirates continued hacking. “Two.” One-eye smacked her and demanded her to give them the memory. “Three.” She shook her head. He clenched his fist. “Four.” The boy went through his bag. “Five.” The Synths burst into the tent grabbing the pirates and tossing them out into the gasping crowd. One went outside while the other tore the wire from her neck and scanned her. A gunshot ripped through the air. The Synth turned, tore the gun from the boy’s hands and pushed him out of the tent. He hit the floor and didn’t move. Gears showed through its wound. Nilin ripped a gear from its body and it fell to the ground.

Nilin took off. The other Synth dropped One-eye and chased her. She darted through the tents and homeless of the catacombs, then scaled the ladder at the end of the tomb. The Synth raced after her. Homeless people filled the streets as Nilin jumped from the hole and up a building. She flew across the roofs and froze. A steel hand gripped the ledge. Her mouth dropped as the synth-officer pulled itself up.

Its badge glistened. Her reflection shone on its visor. I’m running out of time. Niyon. She smashed her prosthetic-hand into its visor, jumped from the ledge, dashed across the power lines and climbed the building. The copter glided above, sending out warnings. The Synth smashed into the building below her. She hopped onto the roof and fled, the sound of steel feet followed her. She leaped from the roof, but the Synth caught her. Its fractured visor twisted as it dangled her over the ledge. The human-police told her to give up the memory. The Synth-police scanned her for the stolen data. I’m late. She pulled a cord out from her pocket, stuck it into her port, jammed it into the port of the Synth’s head and sent it a present. It froze. She got her arm free, ignoring the protests from the human-police, disconnected the cord and put it back. The human-police protested, but she was gone.

The stolen memories sailed from Nilin’s mind across the wire to the trembling boy sitting in the chair. He shot up and pulled the wire from his neck. He thanked her in words beyond his years. His men took Niyon out of the limo and placed her in front of Nilin. She didn’t move. The boy gave Nilin the medicine, got into the limo and left. Nilin sat hugging her sister. She slid the needle into her. Niyon just lay there. Nilin slapped her and shook her. Tears ran down her cheeks. Nothing worked. She was too late.

THE END.

Reviews

[pstalbot]

Good story and you have a good sense of world building through your descriptions. I think it just is a little stilted in its flow early on with the short sentences. Short sentences aren't all bad, I think if you mix in a few sentences that flow a little longer it gets the reader in a rhythm. for instance "The ground shook behind. Chills ran down her spine." might work better as "Chills ran down her spine as the ground shook." (I originally meant to leave in "behind" but you probably don't want to have a rhyme right there). You do want to keep the sentences short for the action later in the story as your style fits nicely with the faster tempo at the end. I think you just want to build up to that to give it more effect.

I was thinking about the cadence of writing while reading this and was reminded of a method Hunter S. Thompson would use where he would transcribe Hemingway's writing as an exercise. They both have similar cadence to their writing and that method can really burn into your subconscious what it feels like to write great things without having to wrack your brain. I haven't done that trick in a while but I feel I should go back to it. I wish I had a good action-y recommendation of a writer to give but if you find one let me know! I've been trying to to get additional ideas on writing action for myself, as well

[Rikka_823]

I really liked the plot, it was really well written and also extremely creative. However, I felt that the short sentences that was repeatedly used was too abrupt and it kinda disrupted the flow of the story. Also, if you could elaborate more on the characters in the story, it would be better as the readers would have a more complete picture about what was happening in the story.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the plot a lot! It was kinda sad at the end as the Nilin didn't manage to save her sister! :(