My Problem

Chapter 1: My Problem 

            My day had started like any other. Get up, eat, and stand in front of the mirror working with my long black hair; making up my amber skin and grey eyes. As soon as I was out of my bathroom, and my brother Jason had been taken care of, I ran out to catch the bus. It’s odd because I had a feeling like I was in for a new life or something. Basically, it all started when I walked into the hallway that my friends and I hang out in. It was a Friday, thank God, so we had free-dress day. I decided to go with the usual jeans with t-shirt and hair in a ponytail get up. Everyone seemed to be enjoying them selves until I got there, and they fell silent, looking at me.  “What? Is there something wrong?” I asked, my heart sinking like they were planning to stab me in the back.

            “Ashira, something is definitely wrong.” Jamie replied icily, and I stared at her. Weren’t we best friends? What did I do to make everyone this angry with me?

            I swallowed, and noticed I was shaking. Jamie was one thing. The other three, Kei, Aaron, and Will all gave me the same look. Then I thought about it, and noticed that they looked scared, and worried at the same time. “Okay, you guys are scaring me.” I mumbled, my heart racing.

            Will sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets, and stared at me, his green eyes burning holes into my skin. He shook his head, the dirty blonde hair falling across his face in the cute way that we always teased him about. “You should be scared. You know that guy Zane?”

            My thoughts went to the guy that all the girls want at Zealand High School in the middle of the woods in the Rockies. He’s the one guy that people talk about the most, he never talks to anyone, doesn’t have any friends, never seems to eat, and gets really good grades. Rumors fly like hummingbirds here, only because there’s nothing to do. Of course the rumors don’t stop the stories on how hot he is, because there’s always a girl squealing or whispering about how he smiled at her.

            I just don’t seem to share that “want” or “need” that all the girls are practically fainting over.

            “Yeah. Zane Shyam. Odd name, but what about him?” I looked around at their amused faces, and felt myself smile.

            Aaron spoke up next. “He came by and said he was looking for you. Have you ever even talked to him?”

            I shook my head, heart slowing down to the pace I was used to. “No, I haven’t.” My friends sighed, apparently glad that I didn’t have any connections to him.

            Jamie looked thoughtful, her face quiet. Then she looked me over with sweet hazel eyes, and then began to tug at a lock of red-brown hair. It was a nervous habit that she has. Suddenly, she stopped, and smiled. I smiled back, happy that she wasn't completely mad at me.

            “Okay, but even so, you have to find him. I wanna hear what he wants from you.” She winked and I glared, my grin disappearing. I shook myself. I had no reason to be mad with her: I wanted to know just as much as she did. The rest of the morning went by swiftly, and we all went our separate ways, and mine just happened to be to math, which I hated with a fiery burning passion.

            Sulking as I went, I thought of what Zane, of all people, could want with me. I was an ordinary girl, and he seemed to be surrounded by all the best looking girls in school. Not only that, but my personality wasn’t the best either. I was sharp, curious, and I usually judged people on the first impression I got. I never seem very nice, but I am, people just don’t want to get to know me.

            I sighed as I closed my eyes, but they flashed open as soon as I hit someone, only to see it was the man I had recently been thinking of: Zane.

            “Ah!” I gasped, and stepped back, his look of surprise and curiosity making me even more speechless.

            He leaned over slightly, looking at me and asked, “Aren’t you Ashira Putt?”

            I stared, looking around at the ground. I had dropped my books, but I was so caught up in Zane’s near-black eyes and his voice that I hadn’t even heard them fall.

            “Ah…” I blushed, and bent down, picking up my books, and ignoring his question. “… I- uhm…” I don’t know exactly what came over me, but I turned to look up at him, and glared, “You’re Zane, correct?” I didn’t even have to ask, but I did anyway.

            He nodded, and as I finished picking up the rest of my things, I stood up, and started with, “Why’d you wanna talk to me?”

            He cocked his head to the side, and raised a slender eyebrow. “What the heck are you talking about?”

            I stared at him, and said, “My friends said the you wanted to talk to me…” I trailed off, incredulous to his attitude. He was lying!

            He scoffed, any curiosity gone from his look, and replaced with annoyance. “You’re insane.” He shot and I nearly flinched.

            “I am not!” I growled.

Zane looked at me coldly, “what makes you think I’d want to talk to you?” He asked, crossing his arms defensively.

            I sighed, dejectedly looking at the man in front of me. “Listen, idiot, my friends don’t lie, and they wouldn’t send me after a guy I hate just to play around. Now, spit it out. What did you want?”

              He growled, a sound that was both scary yet relaxing at the same time. “I don’t need the company of a girl like you. And how could you hate me if this is the first time we’ve ever talked to one another?”

            There he goes! I was right! He’s a stuck up jerk who only likes attractive girls!

            “I…” That was it. I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know. “…I’m not sure… but that’s not the point!”

            Before any words could escape my mouth, he put his hand to my lips. I glared at him, the unusual iciness of his hand making my skin crawl. “…Or, perhaps, you’re forcing yourself to hate me because of the fact that if you didn’t you might be added to the ‘Zane fan girl’ list?”

            I stared at him incredulously, feeling a new kind of feeling rising up in my chest. “How dare you-!” I muttered, smacking his hand away. “You self-centered…” I trailed off and calmed myself down. “Where do you get off on asking questions like that?”

            “A habit.” He replied with an uninterested shrug.

            Shaking myself, I crossed my arms and pursued my point. It never crossed my mind that girls were watching us until it was too late. “Okay, pal. Tell me what you wanted with me, and you’ll never hear my voice again.”

            “I didn’t-“ He was cut off when a girl hugged him, and her two friends held my arms like I was a prisoner.

            “Don’t tread on other girls territory.” One whispered, and I looked at Zane with a small twinge of pity. “Lea’s got him wrapped around her finger”

            I snorted, then laughed quietly, but Zane pushed the girl off of him, and then pulled me foreword by my arms. The other girls let go, and whined like dogs.

            “Don’t drag her into this.” He growled, and I stared blankly at the ground.

            The girls stared at him, then glared at me. I shrugged away from him quickly, and looked around at the growing audience. “I don’t even care about what you wanted anymore…” I growled, turned to leave, then felt Zane grab my arm once more, slip something into my hand, and grinned.

            I glared daggers at him, and looked over to the jealous fan girls who were dusting themselves off, while the other, Lea, grabbed a loose pipe, yanked it off, and turned towards me. That’s way too drastic just for a guy. I thought, and sighed, smiling sweetly, and blew a kiss to Zane. He looked at me, confused, when I said “Bye, love.” My words weren’t sweet like my expression: they dripped with poison. God, I felt deathly sick.

            Walking towards Lea, who held the pipe like a sword. “Stay away from Zane, sweet heart.” She growled.

            I smirked and tutted softly. “Now, now, you wouldn’t want to look like gang members in front of your man, would you?” I asked softly, and pulled the pipe from her weak grip. I hated girls like her: they think they’re so tough, but they’re weak, so they pick on people below them.

            “I, on the other hand, can. Now beat it.” I spat, dropped my innocent look, and dragged the pipe all the way to my next class: math. Once inside the hall, I opened the note reluctantly, but continued to walk.

            By the time you read this note, we would’ve already talked, right? I’m sorry for being rude, but I have a perfectly good reason. We couldn’t talk in an open area, not like school where my stalkers are always attacking me. I want you to meet me in the choir room after school. Maybe then we can get this sorted out.
            Zane

To Be Continued...

Reviews

[Richard]

An excellent and mysterious introduction to what looks like a good story. I agree with the last review that there are one or two grammatical errors, but they are very few. I've seen far worse from other writers on here. However, I disagree with Cyan's comment about explaining the motives of the characters. Keeping them hidden at this point helps to build the mystery.

I was a little surprised at how the font changed part way through. I'm not sure whether this was intentional or an error with the text editor.

[Britt Foster]

I really like this piece. It introduces the story well and keeps the reader interested and wanting to read more. Definitely continue!

The only suggestions I have for improvement are to possibly work on the dialogue and fix up some of the grammatical errors. You overuse commas a lot, and the sentences would flow much better if a few of their commas were removed. As for dialogue, some of it seems a bit unrealistic. Think about how people talk and interact with each other in real life and it'll add an extra degree of believability to your dialogue. I think Zane's speech is pretty strong, but the main character's seems a little...off.

The part where Leia grabs the pipe is a bit strange too. You might want to explain /why/ she grabs the pipe and where she got it from because it's a bit foggy. I mean, the reader can guess that she grabbed it in order to seem threatening and scare Ashira, but where did it come from? In my mind, I have a picture of the girl marching up to the wall and grabbing some random pipe that is sticking out from nowhere. That's a bit strange of a picture, haha.

There is also a need to explain motive when Ashira blows a kiss at Zane and then says "Bye love". Throughout their entire first encounter she was glaring at him and making it very clear that she didn't really even want to talk to him, so why does she blow a kiss at him and call him love when she leaves? Simply for Leia's benefit? Might wanna expand on that.

& Why did Ashira take Leia's pipe from her and drag it to her math class?

A good way to improve this piece in whole is just to expand on the characters' motives and explain why they do what they do.

As for how its written, I really like your style and you use some very nice words. Cool similes and metaphors, too, and I love your characters' names. ^^ Zane seems a bit like Edward at the moment, but he still has a chance to prove himself and I think he has the potential to be a very interesting, compelling character. Jamie too. There's something about her in the few sentences she has that draws the reader to her and makes her very likable.

So yeah, great job with this! It's a good hook for the bigger story, and the ending is very strong and makes the reader want to find out more about why Zane was looking for Ashira and what he wants to "sort out" with her.

Keep up the excellent work. :]