Would it have been better to have been born a bug?

While pondering his current progress in life, Milliardo is greeted by an old 'friend.'

My name is Milliardo Wright, I am nineteen years old. Currently, I have nothing good going in my life. I have no girlfriend, no friends, I have abandoned everything I had for no particular reason. I want to be a person who doesn't need to rely on others. In these nineteen years of my life, I have already learned some invaluable life lessons. The most important thing is that nothing lasts forever. People die, their intentions vanish with them. Even important things left behind eventually end up being discarded or gradually lose focus from being important so it doesn't matter. In the infinity known as the Universe, whatever we humans do: wage war, find peace, cure deadly diseases, end famine, develop technology or have children, it has absolute zero impact on the infinity of the universe. 

What does it mean to truly exist? Why do we live? Is their any important meaning behind our being able to perceive our individual existences? If the human race retained it's intelligence, but only had a sense of duty extending for the whole of the race rather than their individual selves, the world today would be a very different place. If we knew any of the important answers, what would we do with that knowledge? Humans, who cannot understand truly grasp the concept of perfection or eternity, will simply continue searching for individual reasons to continue on living. 

Would it have been better to have been born a bug? I wonder if animals can reason that being logical is no way to live and simply choose to follow their instincts. Intelligent animals frequently show signs of particular aggression. Humans are weak, physically. Unless we are about to die, we can't even bring out our full strength. On a good day, we're all idiots anyway. There are geniuses, then there are those who are called Savants. I heard these people are super rare without mental damage of some sort and that's pretty much it. I can't imagine what it must be like to be them. To retain everything with a perfect memory. Can you imagine? Some things are better left forgotten, right? 

Ah, once upon a time, I too wanted to be one of those people who searched for those answers. I was just curious. Sometimes, the path of knowledge can be unexpectedly painful. Just as there are some things which should be forgotten, there are things which shouldn't be known either. In that pursuit, I only saw glimpses of the tragedy and hope in the world...through books and the Internet mainly. Personally, I like reading romance stories and fighting stories, things like that. However, in those stories, romance is idealized probably because it's only a side plot. So, I challenged myself and started reading stories that contrasted with those ideals. 

Indeed, it was warned before stepping into that world and so it began. I don't know what answers I would find, but I braced myself and told myself that I was ready to glimpse the extreme side of relations. In hindsight, I should have heeded that warning. In those stories, love is a strange thing. Typically, there's a genuine nice guy who thinks of the girls, isn't a pervert or some kind of sex maniac and he falls in love. Somewhere along the way, however, jealousy creeps in, a second love interest pops up and things just go downhill from there. Everything he once showed suddenly gets pushed to the side and he begins deluding himself. It's painful to watch. It's not just those kinds of stories either, many other kinds of shows where characters have realistic problems. Even a female protagonist, virtuous and upright, can be fooled by the worst sort of manipulative guy. Even the most heroic of men can be seen as nothing more than another manipulative guy who just uses girls and gets away with it. Eventually, the methods begin to outweigh the results and he can be portrayed as the worst sort of person. 

It's all my opinion, of course, I realize this. I should have never began reading those stories, my faith in people have only gotten worse. Are all guys really like that? Will I too one day behave and think like that? Was I ever like that one time? The hard truth is probably, I have. If I ever liked a girl, I never told it to her. It's difficult simply looking after myself and I don't really like being touched or touching other people either. The only thing going for me right now is my shoulder length red hair and an uncommon degree of common sense. 

I'm not physically impressive. I'm not handsome, nor do I try to be. I don't really work out, I don't even like to eat fast food or anything. That said, I have remained at the same impossible weight of 120 ever since I graduated from intermediary school. I once kept a journal that I wrote in every day. I could see that my ways of thinking were beginning to gradually change from a naive and trouble kid to the introverted and thoughtful person I am right now. 

I only complain about myself because it is only me who I can change.  I don't have the power to change the world as I see fit. As a child, I have had many dreams and all of them were either laughed at or mocked for being either incompatible or just too low income. They were right, of course, but it's not the easiest thing in the world to accept it. I know now that everyone is just blindly walking along a spider's web in this society and whether  or not they realize it or not, there is absolutely nothing you can do to jump off that web without giving up even your pride as a human.

As people, we're judged based on the criteria others set from day one if we're useful or not to society. This is called tests, it's those important things in school in which people judge you based on how many correct circles you can color in with a pencil or follow the rules. School may as well just be a gigantic social experiment meant to judge the next generation of people. The students blame the teachers, the teachers blame the parents, the parents blame the school and nothing ever gets anyway. Well, Milliardo Wright decided he wasn't going to simply go with the flow anymore! When it became apparent to me one day as I sat eating my lunch and watching everyone else, that I hadn't done a single thing I wanted to...I decided then and there that I had enough of that.

I quit school and left home. School isn't the only place where one can learn and it'd be fine either way. Sink or swim, I decided it would be on my own terms, not some people who get paid to sit around a desk and sign papers or whatever it is those at the top do. To this lifestyle, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Somehow, right now, I managed to learn how to swim quickly and am now floating in the vast wide open ocean. 

This is how, a person like me who, on his day off from his work, could come to a small little cafe he never heard of before and calmly debate his life up to this point. Surrounded by idiots, the disillusioned and disenchanted, Milliardo Wright. 

And now, to a more pressing matter, the cafe and the person sitting with me. She entered this cafe about five minutes or so after I began my peaceful moment of introspection. She took one look at me, smiled when our eyes met and walked over to me as though she knew me. I, however, have no recollection of this person and I think I would.

This woman is a young woman, an extraordinarily beautiful young woman. She has a rather round face, is slightly taller than me, has long rippling black hair down to her waist, brown eyes and a body which could make a professional super-model jealous. All of this is no exaggeration. She's wearing a blue one piece dress and sandals. Rather than be humiliated by such a person, I ignored her and stared at the window, but her presence is now starting to get to me. For one, she keeps smiling and for two, she's watching me. 

Humph, if that's how it is, then it shouldn't matter, right? I turned my eyes towards her and looked down. Her cleavage was exposed right before my eyes and its like she was using the table as a means to deal with the weight of her breasts because, well, they were huge. The biggest I've seen in person, in fact. They must be pretty heavy then, huh? I can only imagine...

"They're G-cup!" she says suddenly. "They're real too, all natural because I don't like doctors." Without a shred of shame, she announces this loudly and very publicly. 

"...So?" I could care less about how big they are. I would only wish that you would cover those things more. Who is this pervert girl? Why do I always attract the crazy girls?!

Boldly pushing up her breasts towards me, she offered, "You can touch them if you like. Go ahead and feel them. I don't mind...since it's you."

By now, I am sure that the entire cafe was tuned in and watching this strange rom-com like situation develop. Unfortunately for pervert girl here and these people, I have no interest in those udders of hers. Really, I don't. "No...I don't really like touching people..." is what I give my answer and return to my world view outside the window. The girl's soft hands, however, picks up my hand and presses them against her chest. 

It's like...I don't know...weird. Rather than feel excited about touching a girl's breast for the first time, it's uncomfortable. I don't like it, but it's more that I just don't like being in physical contact with people. Well, I guess there's no turning back now, right? With my remaining free hand, I pick up my cup of tea that I ordered and sip it while casually groping her. 

Pulling my hand away after three gropes, I leaned back in my seat and sighed, "Satisfied?"

"Un!" the strange girl nodded her head with that same charming smile. It's hard to tell if she's embarrassed or not, but I think her cheeks are a bit red. Her heart, too, was beating quite rapidly. 

Sigh, I came to this cafe in order to think depressing thoughts, but it seems that moods been ruined completely. Anyway, this girl, "Where did you come from?" I ask avoiding eye contact.

"The University," she answered honestly, "because I am a student there."

...Go figure. No kidding. "Well, congratulations."

"Thank you! So, what about you? Where did you come from?"

"...The glorious planet M. I'm here on...diplomatic stuff...you know..." I lied because she was bothering me. Who knows, I could have realized something important back then, but she had to come and distract me. Oh well, once she gets the hint that I'm in no mood to humor her, she'll fall quiet, then leave, hopefully.

Smack! She clapped her hands together loudly almost as if she were praying. "I understand, Lord M," she said, "that conquering the world would be much easier by pledging peace and total cooperation! It is a most devious and underhanded tactic."

"Yeah..." She serious? Am I serious? "Well...earth woman, I have no interest in. So quite bugging me before I have to wipe your memory...or something."

She tilts her head, "Well what about earth men or animals?"

For a moment, there, I honestly did not know how to respond to her. Her dopey expression showed that she was like some idiot cute girl. The thought that she may actually be insane enough to be taking everything I say seriously passed through my head for a moment and trapped me. "No...I am not interested in anything. Man, woman, or beast, none of that matters...the only thing that does...is this cup of tea." I raised the nearly empty cup and shook it in front of her. "Because, when this cup empties, I am leaving and going home."

This day was getting too strange for my tastes. I have to bring this to an end quickly. Rather than seem bothered by this, the girl leaned forward and smiled at me. She rested her palm against her cheek. For a while, she only stared at me like that. Then, "You...you've changed so much, Milliardo. Well, not much in looks, but in substance...it feels like you're almost a completely different person."

Being suddenly called out by name struck me somewhere in my body. I took another look at this girl, but I couldn't put any names to this face. The girl, however, pouted, and pointed at herself, "Did you forget me already? Well, I am not surprised. It's been...what, four or five years now?"

Hmm...if it has then...I've known her back in my old school days? Well, not only did I not care about people so much then, I threw those memories away when I moved out of my house. A part of me, however, is curious to know who she is.

"It's Angel! Angel Rimini, do you remember me now? We've been in school together since elementary until high school and yet..."

"You!" I remember now! There was definitely a girl named  that back then! "...Of course...Angel...it's you..." Now that it's all coming back to me, this person is definitely Angel Rimini! That annoying loud mouthed girl who always smiled despite being like the single target of all men in the entire school for bullying.

"Heheh, I've grown up, haven't I?" she says puffing out her chest proudly.

"Uh, yeah..." I had heard from one of my old teachers once that she had looked completely different. I just put that aside though, I could care less what everyone else was doing. No, I am not happy at all to see her. In fact, of all the people, this is the one person I don't want to see. Wait, this doofus actually made it into a University? Well, miracles do happen. She wasn't an idiot...she was just a weird girl. One moment she'd be clinging onto me happily and what not, but the next be rudely brushing off the idea that she was even the slightest bit romantically interested. At the time, I thought, "Man, what a b***h.",  but I always understood why. She was already a social outcast. Everyone's under pressure, so I never really took it personal or anything. Which is why it hurt so much back then...

How dare she show her face to me now? Who the hell does she even think she is anyway? Instead of good feelings, the only thing I feel right now is unjust frustration. "Humph, well, go back to where ever you came from, alright? I don't want to bothered by someone like you anymore." I quickly finished the cup of tea.

"Wait, Milliardo! I have something important to tell you..."

"Shut up!" The words just slipped out from my throat. Of all the people, I couldn't care if it were anyone else. If it were anyone else, even if they'd chat me up, I could smile and act a damn good that it was nice to see them again. Were it anyone else, I could easily lie to their face and not feel a thing. But, Angel Rimini, if it's you... "I threw you all away long ago so just leave me alone!"  

Angel didn't say anything else to try to stop me,  but I wasn't going to listen anyway. That bothered me! Her face bothered me! I know why! I know why! Of all the people...why'd it have to be her?! It doesn't matter! I'll forget her again! By tomorrow, I'll be feeling better about this and go on about my life as normal. 

I couldn't do it...Every day, the first and last things that come to my mind are Angel Rimini's voice and face. Even though I didn't want to see her anymore...the fact that I talked to someone in such a hurtful way...hurts me. And I thought I had given up that annoying side of me. Who am I kidding? Even people who lose their memories don't change the person that they once were. The words that I always wanted to say to her...to call her out on being mean to the only person who treated her like a person!

I mean, what's so wrong with me? I never wanted to go out with her or anything like that. I only wanted to be her friend. She was the person who didn't use me as a cheat sheet and actually asked me to help her with things she didn't understand. Seeing her treated so disgustingly by the other boys...and never once standing up for her...I was such a coward back then. That's why I could never hold her words and hate her for them. If, perhaps, I was stronger...then maybe I could have protected her. Even the boys who admitted to liking her, only bothered her more for her attention. I hated that the most. 

Seeing her again and knowing it was her, brought all that back to me. It made me remember the things I wanted to throw away the most: the self-loathing from those days. That cowardly me who felt it was impossible to hate another person without a very good reason...the cowardly me who could feel so strongly someone else's pain. The pain of someone being tortured, but continued to smile. I liked her. It was kind of on and off, sometimes it would be stronger than others, but I did like her. On graduation day, seeing her in her white dress, it was the most beautiful I've ever seen her and it really captured me. 

In this world, I am what people call a loser. I have potential to go far, but I have zero motivation to do so. I don't try my hardest at anything other than avoiding things as much as possible. Seeing Angel again made me realize just how little about me has changed. So, I guess she was wrong. In the end, people don't change, their priorities do and I have no priorities other than self preservation.

I am a pitiful loser...but I am not the type who could treat someone so badly on impulse and not feel guilt about it. A week has passed and today is another day off from work. I have no idea why I am doing this, but I came to the University again. This is my third time here. I don't have her schedule so I am hoping to spot her one day by sheer chance. I have to apologize for what I said before...that, if nothing else. The only thing I ever wanted from her was to be her friend, but the moment I get the chance to...I blow up at her. I am definitely a loser! 

Sneaking onto campus was child's play. What's security doing? Today seems rather busy, though. There are a lot of students around. Hopefully, a stranger with red hair won't stand out too much. Well, with the generation of today...they're either too stupid too notice or too paranoid not too. I read that one student bluffed some people into believing he went to some awesome university. It was in a book, but, it was only special because he was an idiot himself.

After walking around campus with no luck, I decided to sit down on a bench in a space where there weren't a lot of other students. I'd have the best luck waiting by the front gate, but I figure someone might get suspicious and alert campus security or something. Seriously, though, I actually came all the way here and am now infiltrating a place I detest so much...for a girl. I tilt my head back and sigh to the deep azure hanging over my head, "Man, I've got it bad."

"You've got what bad?"

Wah! Suddenly speaking to me, I get startled and jump. "...Where did you...!?" I stand up, immediately recognizing the face and voice of the girl next to my ear. "Angel!"

"Yo!" She greets me with a salute. "I know your hair from a mile away...plus, there's been rumors of a new red headed high school kid hanging around campus lately, so I got suspicious. What are you doing here?"

Her speaking tone was as if nothing had ever happened. Wasn't she angry? Why was it that she could always smile so easily after being verbally attacked? Is she such a strong person? 

"I'm sorry!" those are the first words I should be saying to her. "I'm...really sorry..."

A tense moment of silence passed between us. Then, with a kind and almost motherly smile, "don't worry about it. I thought you had changed...and I was right, you have...and at the same time, you haven't."

I'm probably never going to get another chance like this again, so, I should lay out all my cards on the table. Getting past this point is what matters the most right now. I can't leave the past in the past without getting over hurdles like this, right? "Listen, Angel, there's something...I absolutely must tell you. I know I'm probably not the one you expected to hear this from, but about those times when you were being picked on by the guys...I'm sorry for not standing up to you. Even though I hated seeing you like that, I always...well, no excuses. I didn't protect you then so...for that, I am very sorry!" To drive the point home, I bowed, "Please forgive me."

I didn't pick my head back up until I was forcibly pulled into a rather tight embrace. Though it made me feel uncomfortable, I accepted it and didn't try to resist her this time. "I know you said you don't like being touched," she said, "but I remember always grabbing your arm and pulling you around with me. Remember that time we went on that field trip and I pulled you all over the place by your arm?"

"Naturally, it wouldn't have happened any other way."

"I even pulled you into that lingerie store too and made you smell perfume. It felt like a real date and that time...I was actually very happy. After that, you even brought me an extra meal when I was still hungry. Maybe it was because you were just a really nice person, but I secretly wanted you to like me. I hoped you did. You were intelligent, you didn't let anybody get to you and I always thought if you could do it, so could I." She paused to let me go and sat down on the bench. I followed suit and did the sat down next to her. It was difficult looking her in the eye and it was the same for her, apparently. 

"In hindsight...you were the only boy in the entire class who actually cared about me, I think. You never said anything rude to me and sometimes, I'd get the feeling that you didn't like it when they were teasing me."

"Humph, we were just two kids dancing to popularity, huh? Doing whatever we could to not make even bigger targets of ourselves. Even if we were young, I still hate it."

My body froze up as I felt Angel's hand on my lap. I slowly turned to face her. "We...we're adults now, right? At graduation day...that was the last time I ever saw you. I realized then, as I read what you had wrote in my farewell book, "Good luck, Angel. Keep smiling.", that I really...liked you. So...I made a promise to tell you that, if I ever saw you again, I would tell you." She took a deep breath and made a serious face. "Milliardo, I love you."

Before I could say anything, she leaned in and kissed me full on the lips. Well! I say! I wasn't expecting my first kiss to be like this, and with Angel Rimini, no less! No, but I enjoyed it. There hasn't been many reasons to smile lately, but this was enough for me. My melancholic life, thanks to her, was paralyzed. And so, my nineteenth year began.