stained remembrance

stained remembrance 

 

I

a pack of mangy stray bullets roamed the city streets seeking a suitable victim. red gore of sunset poured over the wide concrete shoulders of a hulking grey office building. at first, we watched the drifting madness unfold from the relative safety of our private disaster. the TV wore the dark news reports like an ancient tribal demon mask. I should have noticed the blackbird omens dancing in the windows. they were partially hidden in the fog of the corpselike thoughts that floated in on the high tide of human misery. but, you looked so sexy in that blue dress, and, besides, I wanted to see that movie, too. as we walked to the car, the smile on your face bloomed brighter than spring.

II

in the slow-motion face-slap moment, I was knocked flat. the sound seemed to come after the head-snapping impact. by the time the echo had died, you were gone. I held you in my trembling arms; you were as limp and damp as my hope for your survival. but, I ran hard for help anyway.

III

“well, it’s really more of a defense mechanism than a mental illness,” the grey-bearded doctor drones in words as plain and pale as his oversized coat. “the memory, over time, has morphed into a twisted, almost poetic,  fantasy. he just can’t accept the fact that he was holding the gun.”  

Reviews

[KAREN]

Great story that kept me reading to the end!

[Vanessa Rico]

Wow! I had not expected that ending! Held me in suspense! This was great!!!

[Amy Bumpas]

I really enjoy these little twisted stories of yours. Really enjoyed
number 1 with all its quirky words descriptions and usage.

[Jūdan FyreHeart]

Wow.. this was fantastic! The twist at the end, absolutely fantastic!! The little details brought it to life and made it sing, sinking down into the reader before hitting them hard. Awesome job, great work indeed!

[V.B.]

Well, I'm not gonna bother commending your use of language. I think I've pretty well established the extent to which I am constantly in awe of it. Instead, I'll comment on the twist.

Despite the fact that the lines in between the first and last in the final stanza are beautifully written, I recommend scrapping them. I like the twist itself--cleverly done, that--but I personally think everything from "the grey-bearded doctor..." through "...poetic fantasy" just dull the edge of your knife.

Just my two cents, of course. Keep in mind they're in a currency of my own devising and are not legal tender in any fraction of the world.

[Misty Blue Eyes]

WOW.. i am amazed.. great