Downtown Death Bed

It rhymes!

Downtown Death Bed

 

In sunny streets and neon blaze

Cold thoughts burn in my head

Where, once, fresh music filled warm days

Now, rats feast on unwanted dead

 

Black bloated mutt hit by a van

Reflection of myself

Lies sad amid discarded cans

As I sit sad in perfect health

 

Slow-sip on my fermented woe

And torment sweet passersby

Unearth mind-corpses from below

Then hold their grisly bones up high

 

Vicious waste of life and spirit

Spreads verbal disease

Viscous pus and haunted lyrics

Dumped into placid blue-green seas

 

Please forgive these angry outbursts

Label my screams as mad

Cast judgmental stares, then disperse

No mercy for this wretched bag

 

Filled with memories of laughter

Turned into stony tears

Loved ones smashed by ever after

Float on waves of muddy years

 

And, though, the present bears my fault

My past was mucked by fate

Deep wounds now crunch with torture salt

And pain’s contorted into hate

 

Walk on! Walk on! And let me die

This bench, my chosen grave

Your helping hands grope smoky lies

There’s nothing human left to save

Author's Note

Okay, I'm not a natural rhymer....so this came from a perfect storm of reading A.E. Housman's "A Shropshire Lad" and listening to the "Nevermind the Bullocks, Here Come the Sex Pistols" at the same time. Thanks to Kerry and OT for checking it out for me!

Reviews

[MuSe Ampoule]

oh...it rhymed...I didn't even notice...due only to your talent at subject and execution...just brilliant...I was so focused on the story, content and where you were going that I didn't see the form. Well, what I was going to say before being side tracked was that the twists you take us through in your "emotional states" is perfect...melancholy, anger, remorse, reminiscing and then disdain, just perfect.

[OT]

see now I know I've bloody read this as you name me haha! no idea why I've not reviewed - well you know I love it - and as I'm sure I told you way back when - not a natural rhymer - please, you've not only glided onto the panes but you've kicked the crap out of the way and set your own trail!!! effortless rhyme, harsh biting sibilance twisted around your idiosyncratic darkness! nice!!

[Mark]

I concur with Maurice: your rhyme reflects nothing of your self-expressed lack of experience, is, in fact quite subtle in places. It is when rhymes are consistently TOO perfect that a poem becomes tick-tock monotonous, but matches like outburst with disperse, spirit with lyrics and mad with bag are inspired! You may, unbeknownst to yourself, actually BE a natural rhymer, who just never knew it til now! For my own part, I do not believe in natural rhymers, preferring to believe that they are made by dint of persistent, hard labor over the years.
My personal fave alliteration/rhyme is at the beginning of a stanza, though; Vicious with Viscous--Wonderful!
"PUS" by the way only has one 's'...unless you're referring to a thick cat, that is!
It will require several more reradings to glean all the meaning you have secreted within this fabulous write. Fortunately, you make repeated readings a most doable, even a pleasant task! Exquisite work, my friend!

[Hollow Man]

I have to say, this is one of my favorites from you. It seems every time you try something with structure you absolutely blow me away. And ya, def got an ol school poetry feel to it, with a modern voice. fantastic man

kgs

[KAREN]

Very nice ryhme and flow! Another strong write!!

[cfix]

I really enjoyed this write here.
Love the flow and rhyme scheme,
Simply amazing!

[Maurice]

If you hadn't made the remark about not being a natural rhymer, I would never have guessed it from this poem. The rhyme is excellent, and it flows nicely.

[Kerry O'Connor]

My initial reaction:
I think you should post it under the heading - If you can beat them, school them at their own game!
I can't tell you how much I love this, because I love everything about your poetry. Hahaha! You have the exact rhyme and meter, and it even begins like a nice little ditty, then you chuck in pure Robert Grady words and lines.... Oh, my beating heart, when I got to the rats I was sold.

The last stanza is effing brilliant - tattoo-worthy for sure!

[Ruth]

This is all consuming, a turn and a nod in the direction of swallowing fate as it has been dealt :)
I like the flow to it love, different for you and it works well, the poison of life, what a bitter elixir at times! lol
xx