Emperors game

There was ice within his gaze
Deceitful malice in his ways.
The darkness swam inside his soul,
His heart was painted black by coal.
Long since then his love had died
A smoldering corps to be a bride.
Not a thing he wanted more
Then to fight and win the war,
He used people as his pawns
No place for silver or for bronze.
Sacrifice all to win the game
No stings fixed to a name.
He burnt all onerous and binding ties
With the deathly fire behind his eyes.
Aforsaid there was ice within his stare,
A frozen blizzard in his glare:
Put there by years of blistering pain
But now at last the throne he'll gain.
Many hard choices he's had to decide,
But in the end he'll go down with pride.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

This is a fun read! Starts off with a bang, flows superbly in its musicality until two small flaws appear (if I may be so bold as to say:

1. Beginning with the "Sacrifice" line (though this particular line is passable) a number of lines have a bit of musicality issues (what with being a tad too wordy). Simply prune them a bit, and they'll be tuned to perfection.

2. Repeating a notion with the marker "As I said" is very amateur (pardon my choice of word, I mean no offence), it's also not necessarily good to have such repetition. However, with the beginning being such a bang, you could opt for changing the beginning, and then rewording the "ice in his stare" line so it reads like we're being told the fact for the first time, or, easier: "And with the ice within his stare" (which is a fine way to repeat the fact at the beginning, and also fix the musicality of the line.

This poem is otherwise fantastic in its imagery and story-telling (and "A frozen blizzard in his glare" is simply brilliant!). Well done

[Sam]

Thank you!! :)

[Great Aunt Astri]

Clever poem! Rhymes not at all stilted, wonderful flow, and I like the 'serve him right' ending!

[Sam]

Thanks!!!!