soliloquy 6.17

Self-doubt, self-hate. Have we not experienced it? Each and every one of us?

-soliloquy 6.17-

I can't constitute my life
of choices I make
Things crumble around me
and I only see the gloomy ether.
I wanted to live for others
to breathe life into them
Yet I've fallen victim
to the egotistical smut
that humans are.
My choice makes me dead,
on the inside no more than the outside.
If I were an ocean,
I'd be dried up
my choices left me alone
so my fluid of life is gone
and I'm dried up.

I just want to be loved,
to be considered without considering.
To have my contradictory existence ignored,
"my one flaw...is"

What is it?
How many times have I wondered?
Flawlessness cannot be expected
but rather made.
It seems that I've denied
to be made flawless.
I believed in being humble,
honesty to be the way of change.
To discover, people lie,
cheat, deceive, hurt, use-
It's useless.
My pessimistic attitude makes
it all seem so bleak.
Small things collectively create joy,
however,
and maybe in doing so
I can find true happiness again.
Little by little,
things build up-
hopefully,
it will all add up
in the end.

-Jake Brunton 6.21.17