error of perfection

For this society, sincerely from me.

With impatience, we leave
for a broader world covered in gloom
With imprudence, we deliver ourselves
Into a brand new darkness
With grace, we thrive
And embrace the bleak future of our lives

It's just how the society works, I guess
I've tried many times to theorize why we are
And why we hate all
I've tried many times to love
Only to be met with violence
Oh, dear society please keep it up

Maybe if I shout high enough
I will be understood
Maybe if I cursed loud enough
You'd hear me out
I'm just a pitiful error;
Unfit for modern society's perfect biology.

With anger, we delve down
Into a bloody hell that everyone seems to love
With anguish, we march to the tone
The tone to injure ourselves to
With perfection, we love
And I hate you

It's just how the society works, I guess
I've learned that all of us are fake pieces of rubbish;
I've learned we're all littering a beauty that we rape slowly, surely
Oh, dear society please keep it up

Maybe if I hurt immensely,
I can inflict these wounds onto you as well
Maybe if I leap down the concrete tundra,
I can make it rain acid on your precious face
We're all pitiful errors;
we're all perfect for one another

Screw your creations, beast
Screw your ideals
Society, please glue my shattered pieces
Into your deviated masterpiece
I hate you...

Maybe if I die slow enough,
I can enjoy the burning of it all
Maybe if my corpse mocks well enough,
I can stir tears in your toilet eyes
Pitiful error;
that's all we ever were.

(by Jake Brunton a.k.a SenpaiJake)

Reviews

[sherri brunton]

P.s. I love you son..Momma xox

[sherri brunton]

Just beautiful, true and somewhat sad. You are such an outstanding writer. Look forward to more.

[SnowyGales]

That was amazing. My favorite stanza by far was the third to last one, as I feel the anger expressed there was really not anger, but sort of like a plead for society. The one part that sort of messed up the rhythm for a second for me was the first line in Stanza 2- it just sounded way too casual and passive, compared to every other part. Other than that, absolutely terrifying and emotional!

[Jake Brunton]

Hey, thanks for the review; I'm happy to hear you enjoyed this!

As for the line in stanza 2 - I typically write in a structure that either repeats the same structure of a line, or just a sort of group structure. It's visible in this poem, as you notice the first stanza starts with the discussion that uses 'With...we', and then the second stanza starts with the casual line 'It's just how the society works, I guess.' Third stanza starts with the 'Maybe...'s; and if you look at that, you see that structure repeated.

Using a structure like this, I tend to write for a rhythm that, if it were actual audio, could go up and down; or portray mood changes rather quickly. The second stanzas of each group structure start with that line, because it's meant to express the feeling of defeat or giving up on something: in this case it's society. It leads to the follow up of the 3rd stanza of the structure which always usually embraces anger or anguish toward what was discovered prior.

Hope that can sort of clear up the meaning for that line, hah :)

[Ana R]

Beautifully and furiously written. I feel your frustration and contemplation. Rhythmic with it's points of repetition and references back to society and the word pitiful. "We're all pitiful errors; we're all perfect for one another..." my favorite.

[Jake Brunton]

Thank your for your feedback, I appreciate it! I'm glad you enjoyed this piece :)

[Allison Faith Melton]

You capture our society very nicely. I wish I could write this well.

[Jake Brunton]

Thank you very much for your feedback! Writing skills are all different; I believe it just takes time to forge into what you find comfortable and creative.

[Lyn Anderson]

There is bitter here. Reluctant acceptance. Powerful wording drives the point home.

[Jake Brunton]

Thanks for your feedback! :)

[hcarson]

oh yes..pretty much nailed society on the head, well done you! what you write in this fantastic piece is utter true, society is superficial..nobody cares what maggots may be crawling underneath so long as all looks good on top! i love your expression, you can feel your annoyance and disgust oozing off the page with the backwards way this word works, full marks jake, brillient :

[brian_tx]

Wow man--Ive read a couple of your poems and you have a really effective use of repetition that nails the theme. i.e. "Maybe if I...". You used it in the other poem I read of your about the teacher marking you absent. And the last stanza--Maybe if I die slow enough, I can enjoy the burning of it all--the Pyrrhic Victory where even though you are going down you take satisfaction that everything else is going down too. Classic bro.

[Jake Brunton]

Thanks for the review, Brian! I deeply appreciate it! I'm happy you pointed out my use of repetition to make points, it's something I've been incorporating into my works now and again. Also glad you enjoyed the ending lines as much as I did; they just seemed so empowering to me even if it's an inevitable end.