On the Building of Rome

A comedy.

Contrary to popular belief, Rome was built on May 3^rd, 310 BC.  This landmark occurred at a relatively calm period of ancient history when, truly enough, the nomadic Etruscan and early Italian peoples simply had nothing to do. After all, the beaches were polluted, the Gauls (as they were still just evolving) weren't much fun at all, the gods were booked on paperwork until the 9^th, and there weren't yet any Christians to satisfy any lions. Rome itself was originally designed to serve as little more than a taco stand to provide a supple lunch on a boring day on the empty Mediterranean.

However, the power of boredom and inactivity was an active power then. By noon, all could see that the taco stand was completed, but even still, construction continued. Amply fed, the building spiraled out of hand until when, by three o'clock, palaces and towers and walls and castles and monuments spiraled out of hand as well.  Of course, what had been the original taco stand gave way to a much more handsome sprawling food court. Coincidentally, the best-selling Zeusburger became that day with official declaration the world's first "food fit for the gods".

But as peoples of all the land heard epic legend of such a blossoming city of snacks, construction doubled. By six o'clock, Rome had the largest freeways and the most agreeable traffic levels in all of Europe. The early masses were amazed to remark that all Roman roads evidently led to somewhere. But exploration was not as crucial an issue as was the need for sustenance. The surging Roman populace, even before sunset reveled in the genius of their new aqueduct capable of transporting much needed water to Rome's new filtration and treatment plants, where it was dechlorinated and fluorinated and whatmorinated on its way to the red throats of thirsty Romans.

Even the dusk of the dawn of Rome could not stop the industrious settlers; soon there were torches and beacons and lanterns abound to illuminate all corners of their impervious enclave of wit. And as all was lit, all was known, and there was never a crime reported that night, as all had something to do.

The brilliantly arduous work persisted well into the night. Lighthouses arrived to impress distant barges of the Romans' so very intimidating technology. Bridges were erected to allow for the import of cattle and export of war, should the cattle ever organize themselves. The Coliseum was founded to hold ceremonies during the winter holidays, and the Parthenon was established as a clubhouse for local fundraisers.

On Rome's second dawn, a million Romans dwelled in its vast halls. They bathed in water from the aqueduct, and they found their ways around at night with guidance from many torches. They sung carols at the Coliseum and they furthered awareness of pancreatic cancer at the Parthenon. The city was the first real overnight success, and a proud shelter of all Romans to come.

However, there was something peculiar too, on that morning of May the 4^th. There was not a soul in all of Rome who could remember where such a city had come from, or why it had come there. There was also, not a soul who asked themselves these questions. They have since come to believe that Rome had always existed, and had been slowly growing since the dawn of time. It was these Romans who first impressed with their elitists the notion that Rome, truly enough, was not built in a day.

Author's Note

Please ignore any references.