What is life?

Sitting here thinking about life over a cigarette is like thinking asking myself what is air or what is God. These questions beg an answer an answer that is too broad to cast and just too damn hard to answer. Failure, happiness, sadness and pain all have a way of feeling permanent especially when caught in the cycle. It doesn't make sense I know. I'm just writing what comes to my head. I need everything to be out. Our ability to be able to allow our brain to fire certain signals that make us feel useless or feel like we are nothing is something that bothers me everyday.
The smell of failure I get from myself is overwhelming. I look in the mirror and see failure. and the pieces of my life that fall into the abyss are too far gone. Unable to catch them. Unable to stop myself from failing I ask...why ami here?
Is this me? Am I meant to fail forever? I have always told myself this I am smart. I think but now I don't even know. Seeing others succeed when I know I put in more effort than them is tiring. I don't know what to do. I pray onto deaf ears. I plead to cold hearts. I shout in my heart because I am in pain. I have nothing now. No hope. No will. No will to live. Nothing to do anymore but to ask. Am I really worth this. Is God now seeing I'm not worth it. I have always denied him. If he's real. Is this my punishment? Is this what I'm destined for? Why do I bother? Why do I slave? Why do I try? He knows my future. If I'm not meant to be here why am I suffering. The pain. The agony. The failure. I'm numb to it. All i see is darkness. No hope. Nothing. No comfort around me because it's in my head. No salvation for my soul. No hope for the future. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And here I sit wasting time in this place. Embarrassing my parents. Myself.
Is it worth it. Constant failure. Constant pain. Unable to progress. Am I the fish climbing the tree?
Am I in the wrong place? Is this me?
I have never been so sad in my life. Never. And yet. Here I stand. Here I am. Hoping, praying for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow that seems like a fantasy.
Am I alone? What is life worth with no hope? No salvation and yet in my pain I feel my heart too numb to be in pain. Too hurt to care. Too sad to recover. Too stuck in this cycle to move.
I ask. Is this where I'm meant to be? Is anyone out there like me?
No more fire in the engine. No more happiness in my system. Just an empty shell of what I used to be

Is anyone else out there? Is anyone down here in the abyss with me? I thought it was pieces of me falling but now I realized...it's all of me. I see no light. I see no hope.
I see. Nothing.