A long thought out process

WARNING TRIGGER CONTENT FOR SUICIDE This story is not meant in any way shape or form to encourage suicide please read at your own risk and be careful. If you feel suicidal please, seek help.

It’s not something you just think of right away. You don’t wake up the next morning and say, “yes, this is it.” It’s a build up, a very slow and painful buildup. I didn’t even notice it at first glance, I would look in the mirror and tell myself everything would be fine. Go over the usual verses, I’m fine, you’re going to be okay. They might have been lies, but they were mine because there wasn’t a soul in world that understood how I felt. Not a single one, now many could beg to differ but there was no changing the situation and there was no way out. Partly because, I didn’t want a way out to be an option. 

I wasn’t the average kid sure, but then again maybe I was overly average. I did well in school, stressed out over getting a C so my grades stayed normal at B’s and A’s most of the time. I was in a single parent home, my father and my two sisters lived with us. Our life, was easy, it wasn’t too hard and we didn’t live in poverty either. Hell, I wasn’t even criticized for being gay. My boyfriend was loved by the family and I’m sure he loved me, I’m sure, he loves me. My dad did his best to earn the money to keep us fed and we did what we could. I was the middle child, senior year of high school and my younger sister was a freshman. The oldest, was in college and helped around the house when her part time job wasn’t holding her up. 

I would think, that something like this could never happen to me. It wasn’t like there was anything to stress over. But a downward spiral is what I was heading towards and I knew it. The more and more it sank in, the more and more excuses came out. I would blame the school, my projects, I would blame myself or others for not noticing. When in reality I wanted them to notice, as much as I did want them to notice I also didn’t want them to notice at the same time. The mentality I was going through was frustrating at times, but it was my own choice right?

I floated, I didn’t live, I just floated. Every little thing that went on in my life was becoming more and more numb. It wasn’t like I was crippled, every little easy task was easy to do. It didn’t mean that I enjoyed it though. I just, did it and I’d smile out of natural reaction. Of course there were small sparks and you could say ‘why not hold onto those’ because they weren’t enough to keep my heart from racing so much. I was at the peak of opportunity just three months before graduation. But no one can avoid what fate has decided, specially since we dictate our own lives and no one can decide what we do to ourselves.

You do a lot of organizing when you do it, a lot of researching. The most efficient way, especially if you couldn’t get your hands on any drugs, or get a hold of any guns. There were people who killed others just to do get killed by an outside source. Though after awhile I went to the notes, and I couldn’t stop crying. There were messages to parents, there were ones of hate and resentment. So many, so it made me stop to think about myself. What was I going to put on mine?

That tuesday, I pulled out a piece of paper. I sat there staring at it for hours, wondering what I could put how I could express my thoughts down on paper. There was something about this note that I wanted to be special to me, wanted to be imprinted to my style and how the world truly affected me and how I felt about the situation. It was sad maybe, but I couldn’t stand the feeling of normal. I started writing, scraping, until the wastebin was full. 

Friday, February 6th 2015

My friend picked me up like he usually did, in his truck. They had no clue, none of them did, and I knew what they would be witnessing would come as strange to them. Many would be traumatized, many would sympathize and others would resent me. What I thought though, was I wouldn’t care. There wasn’t a way to care afterward, I’ve been through this before. I’ve lost someone and I know how the pain ebs. I know how the memory stays kindled in the back of your brain, but after a while you just get over it. 

Then there was the fact that I had to find a place to slip it. Whoever read it would know everything, the very inner workings of how I felt and what was inside my brain. So I place it in my backpack, but the edges of the paper stuck out and the pack was unzipped. Now all that was left, was to wait and when the time finally came, I was surprised to find that I was thrilled, nervous, scared, but happy all bundled in one. 

We usually walk to his truck after school, and near there was the road that was used to exit the school parking lot. Crazy drivers went down this road all the time, not following the speed limit. Though it was littered with cops most of the time, so they got pulled over for tickets. So, the next option was the road next to it, the cut off just before the stop sign. I started to walk over there, my friend was confused so I just told him to come and watch handing him my bag. 

The rushing of the cars was bringing a chill down my spine. I had read the stories, and I knew with this, I would traumatize someone. Yet, who cared, I knew I didn’t I wouldn’t after all. I was a waste of space and now it was time to open more space for the world to spit it’s black gung into. They went fast and they stopped hard my confused friend then watched in confusion as I stepped out into the pavement. 

There were no words, to describe the feeling I had when the car made impact with my skin, flesh and bone. 

Dear whoever is reading this, I know you are shocked right now. I mean who wouldn’t with what you just witnessed or heard. There isn’t much I wish to put on this paper honestly. If you are wondering ‘why did he do it’ well. I’m actually not sure myself. I just started to feel numb, the world around me didn’t feel okay anymore. I wasn’t enjoying the things I usually enjoyed and I was in no interest of getting help when there wasn’t really any pressure in my life. No I wasn’t bullied, no there were minimal problems in my life. But, that’s why. I just don’t think I would amount to anything in this life, I couldn’t serve my friends like I’d want to. 
To my boyfriend, I know that you might try to follow me, and that’s your choice. Because I honestly think, if someone wants to die, you should let them. The world is too overpopulated, why would you save someone, who doesn’t want to be here? But if you can continue on, your heart will heal, because everyone’s will. 
If you hate me, that’s okay, and to my family and friends, thank you for being there for me. I just know I won’t care, because, I’m dead and when you're dead, you can’t feel anything anymore.
  -goodbye

Author's Note

WARNING TRIGGER CONTENT FOR SUICIDE
This story is not meant in any way shape or form to encourage suicide please read at your own risk and be careful. If you feel suicidal please, seek help.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

The version of suicide thoughts and action is close to true in the story. I lost two brothers to suicide. They were organized, left no note and surprised everyone. Many reason for suicide. Many hidden and unknown to the people near. The story was written with a honest pen and tone. I did like the Author's note. Seek help. Thank you for sharing the powerful story about suicide. Becoming a easy way out.
Coyote