Hard to convey

I met someone. Someone great, in middle school near the end of the year. I can't tell you much else than that, but it's been over Five years since then and we're in our last year of high school. At first it was something I never thought would come true. I was the kid in the corner struggling to fit in, I shaped and formed myself to what I thought others would like. I didn't really want to be myself, I wanted to be a hero, to care about people regardless of how much harm they felt about me. As for her though. She was smart, beautiful, confident, and always held herself in a way that mesmerized me. I thought that the gap was just too far for me to keep up with. 

Over time that changed though, we grew older, wiser, maybe even worse if you consider the task of becoming an adult. Something no one wants to do really. I came to realize with all of her flaws, that I wanted to protect her, I wanted to do something special for her. She saved me from a fake life, she saved me from being a push over. I couldn't stop thinking over and over how awful my life would have been if she didn't show up. The things that happened when she was around were just easier to cope with when she was with me. I struggle with conveying my feelings, I struggle with noticing if she's not feeling up to her best. But I know for certain that there are feelings I won't ever be able to erase for her. 

Her life wasn't the greatest, people didn't treat her right. It made me feel like I didn't deserve the friends I had, the family I had, anything that I had and that she didn't. But, all I really wanted was her after all. But, I wanted her to know, that I cared about her. Even if sometimes it didn't seem like it, I loved her so much that I would often curl up into a ball when she wasn't around and wonder if she hated me or not. I loved her, I still do. That's why, I will never ever be able to let her go.

I sighed, reaching for my headphones at the edge of my bed. Today I didn't get the scores I exactly wanted on my tests at school. It didn't help that there were a lot of things to worry and think about. My grades weren't horrible, they aren't horrible I should say. With a dotted single C in my Business Math class that was rising steadily with the tests and other things I did it was a good achievement as well as a frustrating one. There was also college to think about, what did I need to do, where did I need to go. No one could tell me what to do, and I always made the wrong decision in most situations anyway. I wanted to see her. 

With that thought, I pulled out my cell phone to look at the time. This small town made you get up early for school, and I usually met her on the way to walking there. We had no classes together, but in the brief moments of spending time together when we could. The more and more time we spent apart, the more I noticed that when she wasn't by my side I was restless. I wondered if she felt that way about me too, even when I messed up and hurt her feelings. I sat up and pressed my phone against my heart, was I really doing her any good?

I quickly got dressed, throwing on whatever clean clothes I could find and grabbing my school supplies. I was quick to exit the house, locking the door behind me as I noticed how cloudy it was today. Though the thought skipped over my head as I started towards the school, towards her. 

A lot of people would probably scoff at how much I thought about it in my head. I over thought things at a constant rate. I was so used to talking and mouthing off, maybe I was a bit quiet, but whenever it became too much I got way over my head and became rude. I was flawed in those reasons, I found it difficult to trust others anyway, What if they got to know me and realized they didn't like me? That's why I didn't have people I considered friends, hell SHE was my best friend one that was true genuine and a love I couldn't deny. It was something, no one would ever understand. It was something that was just so different to them. 

I smiled when I saw her, dressed in all black, a small black kitten sitting upon her right shoulder. That was another thing, the school allowed us to carry animals around as long as they were well behaved. And so this, was how we started the day, and went through it again. 

After school, it started to rain. She didn't have an umbrella, so I offered mine as we walked together. But, a little bit of unease over came my heart. 

"Hey?" I asked. 

"Hmm?" She responded. 

"Do you think....I pay enough attention to you?"

"What, why?"

"I've just... I've always wondered, if you could find someone better than me. Someone who didn't mess up as much, if you would take them over me." I looked at her as her blue eyes looked over my form. 

"We're only human, flaws are in our nature. I'd be more scared if someone was perfect because it doesn't exist. I love you." She said raising an eyebrow. It made me laugh a little bit, even though if on the inside I felt warmer than ever. I stopped for a moment, holding the umbrella before reaching in to steal a kiss on her lips closing my eyes before opening them again. 

"I love you, I don't want anything to go wrong between us. I'm an idiot, and I know that, there's no helping that. But when I think back to when we first met, to now. Think of how we've grown, together. I can't help but to think it was all fake, that it's some sort of fairy tale that one day I'm going to wake up to and never see you again. I know sometimes that I should show more affection, I know that it bothers me so much how people treat you. But I want to help, I want to help you trust people, other than me. But, I love you. And I know even if I was starving to death because we somehow ended up on the streets, as long as I had you I'd be happy. Even if you hated me, even if you resented me for the rest of your life. I always have and always will love you." I said looking at her. 

"I love you"

Author's Note

Some things are harder to convey then others.

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

Hey, Rivaxorus, for future writing please set the font to 12, the size is strenuous on the eyes. I like the story; Young love, innocent and honest. These feeling are indeed hard to convey, teen or adult, it’s stressful, and anxiety fueled. I’ve sent you a message with a few edits. I hope they help.

[Laura Lynn]

What beautiful feelings, I want to believe in what you write and apply it to my life. I have been taking a break from romance having issues, running into hardships, not knowing how to be; as a seventeen year old, I'm sure you have so many years to think about these things, but it's good that you are getting into the genre in this deep way. You sound very mature for your age.

I love the highlighting here with the low lights. I was wondering how you used that font and also this is very cute...how sweet. I am not good at putting my feelings into words like this. It is a very good, much-needed thing for people.

[Rivaxorus]

Thank you, xD it's actually a true story so that's probably why it was so easy. -pets-

[Jonas]

This is extremely relatable. You know how it feels and can perfectly project it to others. Congratulations.