Peter Pan Parody

A Stage Play by VERONICA

created with Proud Theater

[Set in the nursery of the Darling household; Wendy sleeps in a pink bed; Peter enters via the window chasing his shadow; Tinkerbelle follows and sits on the windowsill.]

*Bold Font is directed to both the Audience and the players

Peter: (stereotypical lisp) Oh, come here, you silly shadow. (Looks around the room for his Shadow, Peter stands on Wendy’s bed to have a better view to see around the room, Wendy awakens)

Wendy: (Waking up and pissed off) What the bloody hell! Get off my bed, John! I’m trying to- (Finally notices Peter Pan, drooling) Who are you?

Peter: (striking a pose) I’m the gorgeous Peter Pan, darling.

Wendy: Peter Pan! Oh I know everything about you!

Peter: Oh…Really?

Wendy: Yes

Peter: That’s kind of strange- (Wendy grabs Peter’s hand and pulls him down to sit next to her)

Wendy: Your skin is really soft!

Peter: That’s my new Coconut Oil, sweetie! (Wendy sighs romantically, Peter gets really tense.) You… your hands are cold.

Wendy: Oh, but Peter, I just knew you would come back!

Peter: You did…

Wendy: Yes, for your shadow. What I don’t understand is how you lost it here in the first place. (Obviously lying) Nana must have stolen it from you that night I woke up and saw you sitting on the windowsill. I figured I was dreaming because you were so… so… (Breathy) gorgeous.

Peter: Girls talk too much; so, do you know where my shadow is?

Wendy: (jumps up) Yes! Of course! I kept it somewhere safe! (Runs to a drawer by the window, rummaging through it- shifting through a number of shadows; She glances up to see Tink) Oh my!

(Tink gives Wendy a scathing look; a tinkling of bells is heard.)

Peter: (dismissively) Oh, that’s just Tink, my fairy.

Wendy: Oh, well she’s… lovely. (Wendy finally finds a shadow and holds it up) Here it is!

(John enters, just having woken up with a shadow in hand)

John: (Not noticing Peter) Wendy I found this shadow in my bed.

(Wendy quickly hides her shadow behind her back and whispers “s**t” to herself, John wakes up fully and looks Peter deeply in the eyes)

Peter: Ooh, who is that?

Wendy: (still staring at Peter) That’s just my brother, J-

John: (breathy) John- (quickly) I mean… Jonathan Darling.

Peter: Darling, indeed.

(Wendy glares at John, Tink glares at Peter)

Wendy: (loudly) Anyway, John has your shadow- let me put that on for you.

(Wendy takes Peter’s shadow from John, sits down at Peter’s feet and tries to force Peter’s shadow onto his feet, Peter is in obvious pain)

Peter: Ow- honey- really now, stop this!

Wendy: I’m not finished yet!

John: Wendy you’re hurting him- Maybe you should sew it on?

Wendy: Don’t you tell me what to do!

Peter: Sewing does sound like a better idea.

Wendy: Oh! Well, let me go get my sewing kit! (Wendy pulls a sewing kit out of her drawer and walks over to Peter)

John: (intercepting the sewing kit) Oh, Wendy- let me get that for you.

Peter: You sew!

John: Yes, yes I do.

Peter: Oh that is so hot- er… fabulous!

(John bends down to sew on Shadow, bending at Peter’s feet.)

John: Your tights look really nice, they really define your calf muscles and your… (breathy) quadriceps. (John’s hands twitch toward Peter’s quads, but he stops noticing a scathing look from Wendy)

Peter: Oh, well thank you, Mr. Man.

John: (sniffing the air) Wendy… Is that your casserole? I think it’s burning.

Wendy: JIMMY! (Wendy bolts off stage; Peter looks quizzical)

John: (explaining) She names her casseroles.

Peter: Oh… that’s- (John finishes and stands up, his body inches away from Peter’s) Thanks.

(Bells ring)

Peter: Oh Tink, we don’t need to leave just quite yet!

Wendy: (storming in) John! I wasn’t even making a casserole!

John: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I smelled something. Excuse me, but I really need to go use the bathroom.

Peter: Oh, let me go with you!

Wendy: What?!

Peter: Well don’t all guys go to the bathroom together? You know, to keep each other company and talk… and… (Wendy is at a loss for words, her face is frozen in disgust and flabbergast)

Wendy: I really don’t think that’s how it goes.

Peter: Well, in Neverland, it’s perfectly normal for two guys to accompany each other to the bathroom- I should go join John- (turns around to find that John’s already left for the bathroom).

Wendy: Don’t even worry about it; John won’t even be around in the future.

Peter: What?

Wendy: Well when we’re- I’m married, I’ll live in my own house with my beautiful husband! And everyday I’ll clean up the house and make quiche and casseroles for dinner! And our children will play quietly and neatly in the living room where I will home-school them! And when they grow up little Suzy will have a beautiful husband! And Patrick will have a beautiful wife! And I will live with my beautiful, flamboyant, red-haired, elfish husband into old age! Don’t you see, there won’t be any John- it’ll just be me and… (Wendy sighs and looks at Peter to say something)

Peter: You’re right, Tink, we do need to go.

John and Wendy: (As John is entering) You’re leaving already? (John and Wendy exchange a glance)

Wendy: You haven’t even seen the wedding dress that I made!

Peter: (to John) Would you like to come with?

Wendy: I’d love to!

Peter: (ignoring Wendy) Would you?

John: Where to?

Peter: To my home, Neverland! Where there are mermaids and unicorns and dragons! There are pirates-

John: (intrigued) Oh!

Peter: But they’re all lesbians.

John: (disgusted) Oh.

Peter: But there are beautiful, muscular Indians who run around in loincloths. I’m rather… close with some of them. And then there are the lost bois! And they’re the greatest part. We’re all young beautiful men, and we all live together and feed each other and take care of each other. We do… everything together! I would love for you to join us some day

John: Oh I would love to!

(Bells ring)

Peter: (to Tink) Of course they can fly!

Wendy: I can’t fly!

John: Will you show me how?

Peter: You just need to think of gay- umm-happy thoughts. (John and Peter lean toward each other)

Wendy: (runs to bed) I want to try! (Jumps off and hits the ground, hard)

Peter: Oh, yes. I’m so silly. I forgot the fairy dust.

John: How do we get that? (Looks to Tink, who is flipping him off) I don’t think she’ll give me any.

Peter: Oh, silly, all fairies have magic dust. (Blows some off of himself)

John: (lifts off the floor) I was thinking of you.

(Peter and John hold hands, they strut off stage to a RuPaul song- “Supermodel (You Better Work)”)