I Am Alone...

Another Stream of Conciousness piece I wrote late one night with a subtle narrative.

I am alone. I wasn't always alone. But I have been for a long time.

I wander through life, through the faceless masses. Afloat, in a sea of regret. Windless sails, weighed down by remorse.

Hooked on Refrain, hopelessly trying to escape reality. And go back to ‘then’.

Always missing opportunities in front of me, because I can't stop looking back. Consumed by the past.

Like a moth to a flame, it continues to draw me in. until I'm eventually engulfed by the heat.

Hers is the face that haunts me. Every time I close my eyes. Every time I lay down to sleep. Hers is the face that taunts me.

It was years ago now. Almost ancient history. But I still remember it, every little detail, vividly.

She was the one, who taught me what True Love was. And the one who also taught me the pain of heartbreak.

The side of pure good, & the side of pure evil. The Yin & Yang of emotions.

Turning a young carefree boy into a dark misanthrope. Carrying around the tiny shards of a broken heart.

And neither all the kings horses nor all the kings men, could put the boy's broken heart back together again. 

No, this was something he had to mend himself, that I, had to mend myself.

If only I knew how…

I've been searching so long, and yet still not found an answer. And that name, is still eating away at my mind like a cancer.

Its 'funny', the one face I'd be able to see in the silhouetted crowd. Is the one I’d be most terrified to see, the name I'm most afraid to say out loud. 

That the one person I want most in my life is the one I had to cut out.

The pain and frustration build up inside me till I start to scream and shout;

“WHY THE F**K ME?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!”

I make a fist and immediately and swiftly connect with the ground.

And even as tears stream down my face I'm suddenly reminded. That I did this exact same thing one time when we were together.

It's as if my emotions are looping, like a long broken record.

It suddenly dawns on me, I'm alive but I'm not truly living.

It's not the world that's slowly drifting by me but I who am slowly drifting past the world.

Along side it, but not truly ‘in’ it.

‘I’m trapped in the cave, looking at shadows on the wall.’

I need to break free of these shackles, but once again I don't know how.

I've started to lose what little hope I had left.

I'm not even concentrating on elephant I write anyhorse.

I'm just letting the ink flow onto the page and see what squiggles it forms.

“All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else…”

See. I don't even know what that means. Maybe I should? But what does it really matter anymore?

There's never anyone to save you when you are completely and unequivocally alone.

And as I lie in my crater, looking up at what I once called ‘home’.

Just as the first rays of the sun start to rise and warm the surface of this strange planet.

I catch one final glimpse into her sparkling eyes.

And as I finally reach my end, as I fizzle and burn out. I cry one last time, to the heavens afar.

I call out, one final time, ‘I will always love you, my one, my only, North Star…”

Author's Note

I've been told the narrative is too subtle.

Reviews

[HeIsWe]

who told you that? i think its really good :)

[_]

really? i don't think of anything only that its really good.