![]() I try to educate a Hollywood Director...A Story by SeanWegmann![]() This is something I sent to Director Sam Raimi. Afterwards there was a knock-down drag out fight. I am no longer allowed in any Sizzler in the Northwestern region. I'm sharing it with you.![]() Spider-Man 3 was good, but a couple of minor alterations would have
yielded perfection.
In my version, Tobey Maguire’s dopey a*s would have been replaced with
action superstar and ultra-Republican, Bruce Willis. Sure, there would have been an age and hair
discrepancy that I’d need to smooth over, but it would have definitely cut down
on all the pussyishness. I happen to
know for a fact that Bruce Willis refuses to cry on film for anything less than
$15 million or scenes involving children being eaten by wild animals. As well, while the Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 is a college student and
photographer for a major newspaper, moonlighting as a vigilante hero, my Parker would have a ninth grade
education and work as a meat packer " while still moonlighting as a vigilante
hero. (Except, of course, my vigilante
hero would smell faintly of cow blood and industrial detergent.) Making him a meat packer, in my opinion,
brings Peter Parker closer to the audience.
College student?
Photographer? I don’t know…
sounds kind of exotic. But meat
packer! Oh, yeah! I can identify with packing meat. All kinds of meat. Mary Jane Watson would, of course, be played by the erotically succulent Pamela Anderson for two, very large, eye-catching reasons. (Reasons which would make the shooting of over a dozen separate scenes in heavy downpours hardly a questionable matter.) Instead of an aspiring actress, Mary Jane would be a stripper and call girl in training. The rest of the cast I would leave unchanged since I planned on cutting all of their characters from the final script, anyway. If Topher Grace wants to sit at home in a kiddy pool filled with motor oil pretending to be Venom, he can be my f*****g guest. That b*****d didn’t even have the walnuts to finish out the run of That 70’s Show with his pals. What a dick. Anyhow, the way I see the movie basically playing out, we’d open with Peter Parker getting some awesome fellatio from Mary Jane on a giant web suspended between two trees overlooking the East River. Just as he’s about to blow her brains out, a rocket ship (yes, a rocket ship) that reads “Mohammed Jihad, LOL” burns a fiery trail through the night sky and crashes into the nearby water. From the flaming wreckage emerge three, towering, powerfully-built Iraqi supermen bent on the destruction of New York and the humiliation of Spider-Man. Al-Qaeda is up to their old tricks again! Peter shoos his girlfriend away and swings valiantly into action. Helping his dark-skinned adversaries understand what it means to be a red-blooded American, Spider-Man produces a katana and submachine gun, engaging the turban-heads in battle for the next three and a half hours of movie time. Sprinkled in between sequences of graphic violence and harsh, Scarface-esque language, Mary Jane gets naked in the rain and does her fair share of pole dancing. My film would then conclude with one of the longest slow-motion sequence of all time: a 35-minute scene in which Spider-Man caps all three terrorists in the forehead with a single bullet. After following the projectile all the way through each skull and brain, the scene starts over again and shows everything from a slightly different angle. This happens maybe six or seven times and all to Beethoven’s “Bagatelle in A minor”. Following his victory, Peter goes home and bends Mary Jane over the arm of a couch for major Hero Points. Then, the credits roll. F*****g masterpiece. © 2012 SeanWegmannAuthor's Note
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StatsAuthor![]() SeanWegmannHouston, TXAboutHuman-ish. Nearly English-fluent. A*s-clown. Possibly a Middle Eastern terrorist. Probably not a child molester. All phrases commonly assigned to prolific author Sean Wegmann. But yo.. more..Writing
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