I try to educate a Hollywood Director...

This is something I sent to Director Sam Raimi. Afterwards there was a knock-down drag out fight. I am no longer allowed in any Sizzler in the Northwestern region. I'm sharing it with you.

Spider-Man 3 was good, but a couple of minor alterations would have yielded perfection.

 

                In my version, Tobey Maguire’s dopey a*s would have been replaced with action superstar and ultra-Republican, Bruce Willis.  Sure, there would have been an age and hair discrepancy that I’d need to smooth over, but it would have definitely cut down on all the pussyishness.  I happen to know for a fact that Bruce Willis refuses to cry on film for anything less than $15 million or scenes involving children being eaten by wild animals.  As well, while the Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 is a college student and photographer for a major newspaper, moonlighting as a vigilante hero, my Parker would have a ninth grade education and work as a meat packer �" while still moonlighting as a vigilante hero.  (Except, of course, my vigilante hero would smell faintly of cow blood and industrial detergent.)  Making him a meat packer, in my opinion, brings Peter Parker closer to the audience.  College student?  Photographer?  I don’t know… sounds kind of exotic.  But meat packer!  Oh, yeah!  I can identify with packing meat.  All kinds of meat. 

                Mary Jane Watson would, of course, be played by the erotically succulent Pamela Anderson for two, very large, eye-catching reasons.  (Reasons which would make the shooting of over a dozen separate scenes in heavy downpours hardly a questionable matter.)  Instead of an aspiring actress, Mary Jane would be a stripper and call girl in training.

                The rest of the cast I would leave unchanged since I planned on cutting all of their characters from the final script, anyway.  If Topher Grace wants to sit at home in a kiddy pool filled with motor oil pretending to be Venom, he can be my f*****g guest.  That b*****d didn’t even have the walnuts to finish out the run of That 70’s Show with his pals.  What a dick.

                Anyhow, the way I see the movie basically playing out, we’d open with Peter Parker getting some awesome fellatio from Mary Jane on a giant web suspended between two trees overlooking the East River.  Just as he’s about to blow her brains out, a rocket ship (yes, a rocket ship) that reads “Mohammed Jihad, LOL” burns a fiery trail through the night sky and crashes into the nearby water.  From the flaming wreckage emerge three, towering, powerfully-built Iraqi supermen bent on the destruction of New York and the humiliation of Spider-Man.  Al-Qaeda is up to their old tricks again! 

Peter shoos his girlfriend away and swings valiantly into action.  Helping his dark-skinned adversaries understand what it means to be a red-blooded American, Spider-Man produces a katana and submachine gun, engaging the turban-heads in battle for the next three and a half hours of movie time.  Sprinkled in between sequences of graphic violence and harsh, Scarface-esque language, Mary Jane gets naked in the rain and does her fair share of pole dancing.  My film would then conclude with one of the longest slow-motion sequence of all time: a 35-minute scene in which Spider-Man caps all three terrorists in the forehead with a single bullet.  After following the projectile all the way through each skull and brain, the scene starts over again and shows everything from a slightly different angle.  This happens maybe six or seven times and all to Beethoven’s “Bagatelle in A minor”.

Following his victory, Peter goes home and bends Mary Jane over the arm of a couch for major Hero Points.  Then, the credits roll.

F*****g masterpiece.

Author's Note

Once again, this is for comedy. I mean no offense to anyone. Also, once again, if you do not like this please tell me in a constructive way. Just flaming me won't stop anything and only makes you look less intelligent. I appreciate your feedback and hope you laughed at this like I did. Ignore the grammar as well.