Dare

This was an excercise in using just 200 word to convey a story of my choice. I wrote this aas I thought it would be good practice for the editing stage on my other projects. It's called a Droubble.

Andrew needed recognition he did things for the effect as much as the rush. Praise and plaudits was his drug. Give him a dare and he would not hesitate at all.
There seemed to be no lines to cross. The boundaries of good taste didn’t bother Andrew unlike the rest of those who were willing to egg him on but not willing to commit to the dare themselves.
One more drunken night another bar and another bet.

‘Coal Street, dare you to call the woman a witch,’ said Steve.
‘Ok.’

Andrew and Steve left the bar and went straight to coal street. Steve hid and watched as Andrew stood in the road. ‘Witch, hear me, creature,’ he said. ‘You shall burn!’

Steve rolled his eyes at the corniness of the words then laughed as a light appeared in the window and Andrew fled.

It was no surprise to Steve when he didn’t hear from his friend the next day. He was probably too hung over to do anything and too embarrassed after running off.

Steve was shocked however to hear the news that Andrew had died or rather how he died.

Faulty electrics, they said, were blamed for the fire.

Author's Note

I would like to know your thoughts on the story bear in mind it is only a practice for editing. Would it be worth developing into a short story?

Reviews

[Yawatta Hosby]

This is definitely worth developing into a short story. It's very interesting and had me hooked from the first sentence to the last. I enjoyed your characters and I could see this as a suspenseful, paranormal short story. Great Job!!!

[ChrisGarrow.]

I really enjoy the irony. It made me laugh quite a bit.

[Penlady]

I love it. Its a story of Karma. We get what we give. Foolishness and insensitivity to others in life (even in a storied life) can be hurtful and as your story wraps itself so tightly into the experience, it also is a moral. You can't hurt others without ffinally being hurt yourself.
I am not able to provide what Hiddenfire has provided you in possible edits to your work but the changes made are excellent and he/she has provided important info regarding the beginning (grab-line) of your story and the manner in which the editor woulld regard it.
Sounds like some good suggestions.
You definitely are a writer and you take criticism well which speaks for you.

[Hiddenfire]

I agree that I'd like to read the full story behind this. I'd change a few things though. The start is a little fragmented and I good start is what keeps people wanting to read. If you were to submit to an editor the first few paragraphs would have already decided whether or not they'd be willing to publish nine times out of ten.
I hope you don't mind, I reworked the opening a little to get it to flow easier:

Andrew needed recognition, he did things for the effect as much as the rush. Praise and plaudits were his drug, give him a dare and he wouldn’t hesitate at all. He had no lines that stop a man from crossing where he shouldn’t and the boundaries of good taste didn’t bother him at all. Unlike those who would egg him on, careful not to commit to dares themselves.
It was just one more drunken night like any other; Another bar another bet.

I'd also get a bit more descriptive with the whole thing, I was a bit at a loss when the talking started. for instance:
‘Coal Street, dare you to call the woman a witch,’ said Steve.
‘Ok.’
I wasn't sure if coal street was a nickname for someone else unmentioned who called the bet, If coal street was Andrew's nickname Or if it was a street where the witch was. After reading the next sentence it was clear but it held me up for a second. I would add more dialogue for sure, even though he's a nobody character and gets killed off it makes it more authentic. I did a rewrite on the entire piece, I hope you don't mind, and here's what I came up with:

It was just one more drunken night like any other, another bar another bet.

“Have you heard of the old crone that lives on Coal Street Andrew?” Steve said when Andrew appeared drunk enough to goad.

“No… why?” Andrew replied without pausing between shots.

“I heard it said that she’s a witch, but no one’s willing to go find out.” Steve tip toed carefully when it came to daring Andrew. His wasn’t a big dare, a childish prank at best, so he had to set it up just right if he wanted Andrew to go along with it willingly. “Not like it matters anyway… Heck, I bet you wouldn’t be up for it either. I hear she’s one mean woman.”

Andrew paused his shot halfway to his lips and gazed at Steve long and hard for almost a minute before he lifted his glass the rest of the way to his lips and downed it. “You saying I’m scared of some old woman?” His voice was raised slightly and he was obviously taking the bait. “I’m not scared of anyone… Least of all an old hag!”

“So you’ll call her a witch?” Steve asked victory in his voice.

“Take me there and I’ll do it right now!” Andrew replied defiantly.
Making sure to down their shots before going, no use in wasting good liquor,

Andrew and Steve left the bar and went straight to Coal Street. Steve peeled off into the bushes as they neared the house and watched silently as Andrew stood in the road. Andrew waited there without saying anything or moving and Steve almost got up to push him along when Andrew burst out yelling: “Witch, hear me creature!” He paused for a second to catch his breath then continued: “You shall burn!”

Steve rolled his eyes at the corniness of the words and his laughter made the branches in the bush shake with mirth as if the plant was alive and laughing at the dare itself. He doubled over in laughter barely able to hide his mirth when a light came on at the porch and Andrew fled like a chicken with his head cut off terror of being found out etched plainly on his face.

It was no surprise to Steve when he didn’t hear from his friend the next day. Andrew was probably to hung over to do anything and too embarrassed to face Steve after running off the way he had.

When noon had rolled around and Andrew still hadn’t walked into the bar Steve figured he should start asking around if anyone had heard from him. Assuming it was better not to go straight to Andrew in case he blamed him for any of yesterday’s fun. He was almost to the door when the news came on. Steve stared in shock as the anchorman began to speak. Andrew was dead. But it wasn’t his death that made Steve shake: Faulty electrics, the anchorman had said. That was the reason for the fire.

It adds only a little bit of dialogue and a little more flow to what you already had, but it gives it that extra oomph of believability.I would be happy to read more as it was a very interesting story and I think would develop nicely.

[Silver_Anime]

this was pretty good! i think it would be worth turning into a short story :)
as soon as i finished reading it, it kept me on the edge. i want to know what "really" happened to Andrew xD