tarnished

and the dreams, they seem to know
what i need to hear and feel the most
a night sighing with intoxicated slumber
it's a nicotine hit, travelling
through already wavering legs and mind
like the first rush of anticipation
or love.
shots in three tries, like the girl i am.
like the girl i must be.
vindictively despoiling him, us, everything
making myself so thoroughly hateful.
your embrace solving nothing, and everything.
we spoke of rescues, of heroes.
she was the star that night, bright curling hair
docile prince her shadow, her lover.
smoke creeps into my lungs
vodka slides down my throat
no trouble sleeping tonight, this alcoholic stupor
the only solution left to me.

i woke, curled up, breathing softly
like a cat amongst the covers
my face denying the light, relishing
the rain beating down on the glass
of the empty annexe.