Fears

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I really have friends.

And I feel bad after, because I love my friends.

But I still have to wonder,

Is it possible they could love me back?

Is there any way to love an instrument-

For that’s what I fear I am to them; an instrument.

Something to be used when you need it, and carried when you don’t.

And that frightens me,

Not because it means that I am alone,

But because it means I am a burden,

And I am afraid of being a burden.

I have a habit of holding people so tight, they slip through my fingers.

I don’t want to lose them,

So I lie to make them stay.

I lie and say that I am alright,

And they lie and say that they believe me.

I want to protect them from the truth,

Because if they ever found out just how heavy a burden I am, they would leave me,

All of them.

And so you say with pretty smiles that you’re here for me no matter what,

But you know what?

That is a lie, and I really don’t know why you are lying to me.

I wish you would stop;

Stop with the damned lying!

Please, if you find me a burden, just say so.

Stop pretending you actually like me.

I have walked in this skin for almost seventeen years, and I know that that is impossible.

No one keeps me by choice; I am an instrument or a mistake, but never an informed decision.

I would love to be wanted for who I am.

I want to be wanted not despite, but through my ugliness and raw patches.

I want a person to see me,

All of me,

And say

“I want that girl. I must have that girl. That girl matters to me.”

 

I know your intentions are good, and that you think that you love me,

But that’s only because I haven’t shown you everything.

I have scars I’m still hiding.

Yes, even from you.

Did you really think that I told you everything?

No.

I am not that stupid.

Everything would scare you away,

And I am too selfish to lose you.

Reviews

[Amber]

I don't know the whole story behind this, but after I finished wiping my eyes and can now clearly see the keyboard, because I honestly cried after reading this 5 times through, it truly spoke to me. I'm terrified of being a burden to someone. That's why I'm afraid to open up to the people who I love and care about. Because if they knew the whole truth about what goes on, they would leave I'm sure. And I would do anything to have them stay. Trusting someone is a really scary thought, believe me. You and I both know that. But, there are people that come into your life for a reason and no matter what happens or what you're going through, no matter how much you think they will leave and abandon you, there will always be there. And I can honestly say that is me. You always have me. You can always talk to me about anything. Whether it's to tell me squirrel stories that I retell to my family at dinner and we all laugh hysterically, or if it's to just cry and vent and scream and curse or whatever else you need. Sisters never abandon each other. I promise you that. So hang in there, girl. I believe in you 10234801%

[Nicole]

great, now you made me cry haha. i love you girl, you know that, right? and not in a "erhmergerd youz da beztest, gurl, i luh yuh!" way. i love you in a totally and compleatly encompassing way. like, if i tried to write it all out here, it's be one GIGANTIC comment, so i'll have to write it down seperate, just so that it'll fit. so i'll try to keep my words simple. bottom line, you are one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and i would never leave you. litterally. like even if you came up to me and were all "Nicole, i'm secretly Satan." I'd just go, "Oh cool. how's the climate down there been, cuz i'm free tomorrow and have always wondered what hell looked like. tell me, do you really have a pitchfork, and if so, could i borrow it?" but of course that is a compleatly hypothetical situation as there is no way that you are actually Satan, as you are way too perfect to be Satan. so, hopefully you've managed to read between the lines of this craziness and understand all this, because what i'm trying to say is that very few things will ever be for forever, but i love you with a love that is forever, because that's the type that you deserve, and nothing less.