The Curious Case of the Generic Murder Mystery

Something I wrote for my college drama society, a short, ridiculous farce (or attempted farce) woven with subtle in-jokes and opportunities for ad-libbing unlike anything you've ever seen.

 Scene One

Lights up on Joseph Dancer, sitting alone in a dimly lit living room, smoking a pipe. He gazes off intently into the distance for a moment, suddenly realising there is an audience watching him.

Dancer: [to the audience] Oh, hello there. Dancer, Robert Dancer. Charming to meet you, I’m sure. And you must be �" oh, never mind. I know why you’re here, of course. Why else would you be? You people have been pestering me from the moment I arrived home from the blasted place. Well, you won’t get a word out of me, not a damn word. Vultures you are, every one of you �" feeding off the lives of innocent people, revelling in the murder of a poor businessman, well I’m not telling you anything, you hear me? Nothing! (A moment’s pause) Oh alright. It’s a sorry tale I can assure you. Yes, the cold blooded murder of one Mr. Patrick Dominico. It all started one dark, stormy night...

[Blackout as the scene changes to a closed door, with BETTY-ANN standing outside, stamping out the cold. She bangs on the door]

 Betty: Hello? Guys? Jeez, guys would ya answer already? My gams are freezin’ out here! Applesauce...

Enter TAYLOR and DANCER, talking and laughing amongst themselves.

Dancer: [to audience] My assistant Taylor and I embarked on our annual vacation to the countryside and were making our way back to our terribly exclusive hotel when we came across her...

DANCER observes BETTY with obvious morbid curiosity and distaste, as though examining the mating habits of a particularly ugly breed of toad.

Dancer: [to the audience] I observed the woman with an obvious morbid curiosity and distaste, as though examining the mating habits of a particularly ugly breed of toad.

Betty: Can I help you cats?

Dancer: Yes of course, my dear madam, forgive my rudeness, Robert Dancer, and this is my assistant Edmund Taylor.

Taylor: Sup?

[Dancer shoots Taylor an exasperated glance. He then extends his hand to Betty-Anne and promptly withdraws it, thinking better of the action.]

Dancer: Would you like me to sign something for you?

Betty:  Scuse me?

Dancer: Sign something, with my autograph I mean.

[Now, it is Betty-Anne’s turn to observe Dancer as though examining the mating habits of a particularly ugly breed of toad.]

Betty: Eh, no I’m good, thanks Mister.

Dancer: Well don’t you know who I am?

Betty: Uh, the Pope?

Dancer: No! I am Joseph Dancer, detective extraordinaire! Solver of the case of the Great Blue Button thief?

[DANCER searches BETTY-ANN’s face for recognition, nothing.]

Taylor: The Mysterious Missing Pinafore?

[Still nothing.]

Both: The Strange Occurence of the Improperly Stitched Handkerchief?

[Nada.]

Dancer: [to the audience] the woman was obviously mad.

Betty-Anne: I’m sorry Mister but I’ve never heard of you before in my life.

Dancer: That’s quite alright madam, Taylor, could you hold this?

[As he talks, he begins to remove his waterlogged shirt in an attempt to wring it dry. BETTY-ANN takes on the look of a predator about to attack.]

Betty: Although... Now that I think about it you do look a little familiar Joey -

Dancer: Joseph, as I have previously stated, my name is Joseph Dancer.

Betty: And I’m Betty-Ann Bunting. The eh, manageress of this establishment.

Dancer: Oh really? Well �" if that’s the case could you be so kind as to let us in?

 Betty: Oh. Well. That’s not really up to me, y’see Joey �"

Taylor: He prefers to be called Mr. Dancer.

[BETTY-ANN shoots Taylor a filthy that would melt your brain in seconds.]

Betty-Anne: Joey, I’m sorry to have to tell ya this but I think we’re stuck out here. All alone... in the cold...

Taylor: Not quite alone there madam �"

Betty-Anne: Oh never mind him... See, the door’s locked and my key don’t fit. I’ll need a strong pair of hands to help me break that door down if you want a bed tonight �"

[DANCER begins to babble wordlessly, panicking at the disturbing proximity of Betty-Anne to his person.]

Taylor: Sir I believe we have company.

Todd Wrangler: [Offstage] Hey there, guys and gals!

[Enter TODD WRANGLER, accompanied by his ever-faithful bodyguard Albert, accompanied by a sound bite of teenage girls screaming. TODD  swaggers towards our heroes. BETTY-ANN suddenly becomes breathless and drops DANCER like a stone.

Betty-Anne:  Sweet tomato gravy, you’re... you’re...

 Todd: That’s right ma’am, Todd Wrangler: All singing, all dancing Hollywood heartthrob, how do you do?

BETTY-ANN looks halfway between an orgasm and a cardiac arrest.

Betty-Anne: Leapin’ Lizards...

[TAYLOR is forced to grab BETTY-ANN as she almost faints, but is naturally repulsed by the contact.]

Taylor: Eh, Edmund Taylor, Mr. Wrangler, it’s a pleasure.

Todd: The pleasure’s all mine, I’m sure, and this is Albert �" Bodyguard to the stars. Don’t let his appearance fool you. (lowers his voice to a whisper) He’s been trained in every form of martial arts from Kung Fu to Origami. You sure don’t wanna cross this guy, ain’t I right Albert?

[ALBERT nods, super-tough.]

Dancer: Right well, that’s good to know. Joseph Dancer, detective extraordin �"

Todd: Oh, you’re a dick, huh?

Dancer: A what?

Todd: A dick, a �" a �" a pig, a bull, the fuzz �"

Taylor: He means a police officer, sir.

Dancer: Well, I would like to consider myself above the common beat, but yes I suppose I do fight for justice in much the same way.

Todd: Yeah yeah yeah, listen, Al and I, we’re gonna have to be gettin’ up to my room right about now, it’s gettin’ cloudy and hair like this does not take kindly to precipitation.

Dancer: I’m terribly sorry sir but it seems you have rendered the only woman in our company who could have given us access to our hotel rooms unconscious and ergo we are, unfortunately, stuck.

Todd pauses in a vain attempt to process the large number of big words in Dancer’s statement.

Todd: Are you makin’ fun of me?

Dancer: I’m sorry �" what?

Todd: You heard me. You think you can mess with me? Me? I’m Todd Wrangler, ya big dumb palooka! Hey Al �" show these saps what we do when people disrespect me.

[Silence descends as ALBERT stalks coolly towards the now cowering  DANCER and bears down on him for a handful of agonising seconds]

Albert: Boo.

[DANCER flails wildly across the stage and lands in a heap on the ground. TAYLOR runs to grab him, dropping BETTY-ANN in the process, who is rudely awakened.]

Betty: What happened?

Todd: Well ma’am these two gentlemen here tell me that you’re the only one who can get us into this building and with the current weather conditions and their effect vis-a-vis my hair, I’m thinkin’ we’ll need to get in there pronto.

Dancer: She says the door’s stuck. We’ll have to force our way in.

Todd: Well, step aside people. You know I played Superman’s great great grandson in a movie once. A kid with the strength of a thousand men. I think I can handle a little locked door �"

[ALBERT puts a hand on TODD’s shoulder and shakes his head. TODD wordlessly steps aside and with one swift, precision punch from ALBERT, the door swings open.]

Todd: Yeah well uh, that’s exactly what I’d planned to do, you know? Just a little, um... yeah. Nice work Albert.

[With that TODD scurries through the door, followed by a clearly exasperated ALBERT and a staggering BETTY-ANN]

Taylor: We had better head inside too �"

Dancer: My shirt!

Taylor: I’m sorry?

Dancer: My shirt! Do you have any idea how much this thing cost me? It’s ruined, ruined!

Taylor: There, there, it’ll be alright, we can always �"

[A shouting match from offstage interrupts the pair]

Gilda: Rosie, please don’t do this!

Rosie: What so you expect Gilda? My whole life is a lie! Everything we have is a lie!

Gilda: It was for the best, you have to understand �"

Rosie: Save it!

[ROSIE storms onstage past DANCER and TAYLOR and right off again.]

Taylor: That was...

Dancer: Incredible!

Taylor: Exactly �"

Dancer: No really, I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

Taylor: Well, I wouldn’t say that but eh...

Dancer: She’s hideous!

Taylor: What?

Dancer: My God, did you see that?

Taylor: I �"

Dancer: I mean, what on earth was that?

Taylor: I say �"

Dancer: They must have released it into the wild or �"

Taylor: Dancer!

Dancer: What?

Taylor: Let’s get inside...

Blackout

[During the blackout, we hear whispered voices.]

Franklin: Ssssh!

Gilda: Father I’m frightened.

Franklin: Don’t be.

Gilda: But what if she tells �"

Franklin: Now now, relax. She won’t talk. She’s scared, she’s confused. She doesn’t want to be a part of this. We have nothing to worry about.

 

 ***

Scene Two

[Lights up on DANCER, sitting at the head of a long dining table, with a number of darkened figures in the surrounding seats. ]

Dancer: And so, the plot began to thicken. I was to spend the night in a mysterious luxury hotel with my associate, a schizophrenic teen heart throb and his...brute, a nymphomaniac cleaning lady and that... thing. Little did I know what was to come.  That evening, Taylor and I were cordially invited to a gala dinner to apologise for the, eh, little mishap with the door. We spent the night mingling with stars of the highest calibre. There was Francesca Bolero [Lights up on BOLERO] , the Hollywood legend, revered and admired the world over for an astounding acting career spanning over forty years.

She was accompanied by a man with whom I was unfamiliar, and yet he claimed to be one of the world’s forerunning entrepreneurs. A genius and self professed visionary in his field. Patrick Dominico. [Lights up on DOMINICO]

The hotel-owning mogul himself, Mr. Franklin Stern [lights] , accompanied us for our meal, joined by his infamous heiress daughter Gilda [lights] and the alarmingly unfortunate looking Rosie Crantz [you get the idea] , who we had run into once before. The two girls were utterly inseperable. They even ate in unison. Ah yes, best friends indeed were Rosie Crantz and eh, Gilda Stern.

And then of course, there was...

[Enter TODD WRANGLER, equipped with spotlight and back up dancers, one being ALBERT obviously, who bursts into a particularly energetic rendition of Bye Bye Bye by N*Sync �" or some other such typical number �" before taking his seat by at the table]

Todd: Thanks guys. I always like to make an entrance.

Franklin: Well of course, it’s a pleasure to have you here, Mr. Wrangler.

Todd: Oh please, please sir, call me Todd.

Dominico: Hah! I suppose they’ll let anyone into these things nowadays.

Todd: I’m sorry sir, I don’t believe we’ve met yet? Todd Wrangler, teen sensation.

Dominico: Patrick Dominico. Entrepreneur.

Todd: And what business, exactly, are you in, Mr. D?

Dominico: Well �"

Francesca: [in some outrageous accent] Mr. Dominico likes to keep his affairs private.

Todd: [smirking] And how. And eh, who might you be?

[TODD’s advances signifies a growl from DOMINICO]

Francesca: Francesca. Francesca Bolero.

Dominico: Hey, you eyeballin’ my woman, punk?

Francesca: Oh relax you fat pig, have another loaf of garlic bread. [She shoves a handful of the stuff into his mouth]  As if you weren’t stinking up the place enough already.

Dancer: [to audience] it was at this point that I deduced something was up. [To Taylor] Something’s up.

Taylor: Yes, I’ve noticed that too. Something feels... Wrong.

Dancer: Mingle, Taylor, mingle, and get what you can out of the guests. I’ll start with Ms. Bolero...

[TAYLOR rolls his eyes to express his exasperation as DANCER makes an overly casual a-line for the enchanting actress, who is deep in conversation with WRANGLER while DOMINICO shovels garlic bread down his gullet]

Dancer: Excuse me, pardon me, so sorry, Miss Bolero I don’t mean to interrupt�"

Wrangler: [venomously] So don’t.

Dancer: Ha, ha, yes yes jolly good... but what I am trying to say is Miss Bolero I’m a terribly big fan and I -

Wrangler: Didn’t you hear me Dinkus �"

Dancer: Dancer �"

Wrangler: Whatever. She ain’t interested, so beat it.

Bolero: No no no, Senor Wrangler it is fine, I’m sure you have alot of autographs to sign, I shall leave you to your adoring public, and you leave me to mine. [she extends her hand] Francesca, Francesca Bolero.

Dancer: Dancer. Robert. And who is your �" charming �" escort here?

Bolero: Oh, him. That is Patrick Dominico, ehm, successful entrepreneur and businessman.

Dancer: Oh? What kind of business?

Dominico: Well I guess you could say I’ve got my eh... fingers in various �"

Bolero: What he means to say is he is a man of many... Talents. Mr. Dancer.

Dancer: Ah.

[DOMINICO sniggers at BOLERO’s remark, she responds with a clout about the head when she thinks DANCER isn’t looking.]

Bolero: [sarcastic] Oh look darling, your plate is empty, go be a dear and get yourself another troph won’t you?

Dominico: With pleasure. Baby.

[Exit DOMINICO, plate in hand. BOLERO curses after him in a foreign language.]

Dancer: [To audience] My impeccable sense of detection observed some tension between Miss Bolero and her... esteemed escort.

Bolero: Disgusting pig.

Dancer: [to audience] Definate tension. [to BOLERO] Miss Bolero �"

Bolero: Francesca.

Dancer: Francesca, I know it’s not my place to say...

Bolero: Say, say.

Dancer: Why on earth have you involved yourself with such a... man. As Mr. Dominico.

Bolero: Senor Dominico and I have an... Understanding.

Dancer: By which you mean?

Bolero: We... Remain involved only when it is beneficial.

Dancer: Beneficial to Mr. Dominico?

Bolero: Si. Beneficial on Mr. Dominico.

Dancer: Miss Bolero you don’t sincerely think that this arrangement �"

Bolero: Sssh! Don’t involve yourself in matters you do not understand Senor! It could mean your life!

[Enter DOMINICO, tray laden with garlic bread]

Aaaah, speak of the Devil! Ha, what am I saying? To be the devil you’d have to have two brain cells to rub together wouldn’t you darling?

Dominico: Better be careful what you say around me baby or I could make things very uncomfortable for you...

Bolero: Oh Silencio pigdog [She shoves a mouthful of garlic bread in his mouth]

You see what I mean senor? Honestly I cannot take him anywhere...

[DOMINICO begins visibly choking on the garlic bread, and the guests grow more and more dismayed]

Dancer: Miss Bolero is he alright?

Bolero: Him? Ah he is just overexcited from all the beautiful food Senor Stern has arranged for him. You see? He gulps too fast �" like a greedy pigdog, PIGDOG!

[BOLERO begins to make crazed snorting sounds and pig imitations as DOMINICO chokes, clutching is throat, gasping for air, eventually falling to the floor and, you know... Dying. After a moment’s silence, TAYLOR rushes to check his pulse.]

Taylor: He’s dead sir.

Dancer: Dead?

Bolero: Ah. He makes joke! We do this all the time, he joke he joke! Patrick you get up now. Patrick? Patricko? [She becomes more and more hysterical, generally crying, shaking the body fiercely, speaking in her foreign language and wailing as the guests cluster around her]

Bolero: OH MI AMOUR! MON CHER! MUERTE! MUERTE! Pourquoi? Oh Dios...

Dancer: Someone control her! She’s hysterical!

Wrangler: Uh I’ll handle this �" Albert! C’mon Frenchie, it’ll be alright...

[Exit WRANGLER, with ALBERT carrying BOLERO offstage behind.]

Dancer: [to the audience] My my how the tables had turned. It seemed there was a case to be solved. And myself and my esteemed partners seemed the ones to solve it.

 

 

 ***

 

 

Scene Three

[Lights up on the murder suspects, ie: BETTY-ANN (gazing at WRANGLER), WRANGLER (bored stiff) and ALBERT (tough and brooding), FRANKLIN and GILDA STERN (disinterested), ROSIE CRANTZ (hysterical) BOLERO (demure once again)

There is an awkward silence among the suspects for the first few moments following the lights going up.]

Betty-Ann: Why the hell are we stuck in here anyway? It’s creepy... Dead bodies and all.

Stern: Upon the good detective’s request, Miss Bunting. He suspects there may have been foul play in Mr. Dominico’s... passing.

Bolero: He choked. Everyone can see that. Foolish of this detective to think otherwise. We should be left to grieve, not held held captive.

Wrangler: It’s baloney is what it is, top notch, grade A, baloney.

Betty-Ann: So true. You’re really insightful...

[BETTY-ANN is suddenly a little too close for comfort to WRANGLER]

Albert: Ma’am if you could just back up there a little..

Betty-Ann: (flirtatiously)It’s Betty.

Albert: (smirking) Call me Al.

[Enter DANCER and TAYLOR, the latter wearing surgical gloves, mask and gown and covered in blood]

Stern: Mr. Dancer, I trust you have an answer for us?

Dancer: I do indeed, Mr. Stern, after a prolonged and, thorough examination of Mr. Dominico I can in fact confirm that this was most definitely murder.

[General gasps]

Bolero: No!

Crantz: It can’t be!

Stern: In my hotel?

Wrangler: Cool!

[Albert shoots him a withering glance]

Wrangler: Oh, uh, I mean... Woah.

Dancer: Yes, within Dominico’s stomach we found traces of poison Heimlich �"

Taylor: Hemlock.

Dancer: Hemlock! Poison hemlock which, we believe was applied to the garlic bread some time after preparation, Mr. Stern, is it common practise in this establishment to keep a stock of deadly toxins on hand for the kitchen staff?

Stern: Eh, well, no. No of course not.

Dancer: Mr. Stern, Hemlock is an exceedingly common wild plant particularly potent at this time of year and Mr. Dominico’s stomach contained enough fresh hemlock to kill a baby elephant. Clearly, it was obtained from nearby now is there any way this plant could possibly be obtained on your grounds?

Stern: Well �"

Betty-Ann: Yes! Well, I guess so. There’s the wildflower garden y’see. By the fountain. I don’t know all that much about toxins but I’m sure you could find it in there. I mean, if you knew what you were lookin’ for.

Dancer: Excellent, excellent Miss Bunting. [Revelling in his big monologue] Ladies and Gentlemen. Tonight, an obscene crime has taken place here right under our very noses. Mr. Patrick Dominico has been murdered, and I wager, by one of the very people in this room. I have confirmed through my astounding ability for observation and deduction that not one single person in this room aside from Mr. Dominico so much as touched the garlic bread, the very food that brought him to his untimely end. An extraordinary coincidence, don’t you think? Now I myself have a strong allergy to garlic which, naturally, discounts myself from any possibly suspicion. In addition, the poison was so fresh that it had to be applied within the hour before Dominico consumed it, long after the kitchen staff prepared the buffet, just as we entered the room for our little gala. That narrows down the suspects to each and every one of you. But never fear, Joseph Dancer, detective extraordinaire just happens to be here, and I have no doubt in my mind that before the night is out I, with the aid of my assistant Taylor here, will have cracked this case, and the culprit shall soon be behind bars.

Taylor: Yeah.

Dancer: I shall begin to call interviews momentarily to assess you all. Until I do so, remain here and under no circumstances may anyone leave this hotel, lest we put our entire society at risk.

 

 ***

 

Scene Four

[Lights up on DANCER, TAYLOR and BOLERO, all but DANCER is frozen]

Dancer: [to audience] I felt my little speech was just what our suspects needed in order to ensure their co operation in my investigations. Naturally, I already have my hunches as to who is the murderer but �" I can’t tell you, can I? Now that I think of it, you were all there too were you not? At the gala? Yes. I’m on to you.

Taylor: Sir, shall we commence?

Dancer: What? Oh. Oh yes yes of course. Miss Bolero?

Bolero: Francesca.

Dancer: Francesca. Naturally you understand why we called you here before the other suspects?

Bolero: No. I do not.

Dancer: Well. I, em, thought it would have been obvious. Taylor, tell Miss Bolero why we called her here before the other suspects.

Taylor: Certainly sir. Your relationship with Mr. Dominico...

Bolero: Yes?

Dancer: Well, you will concede that you and he shared a far... closer relationship than with the other guests?

Bolero: You would think so.

Taylor: You mean, Mr. Dominico was familiar with the other guests before arriving here tonight?

Bolero: Of course, why do you think he was invited to the gala?

Taylor: So you mean he was asked not as your escort but on his own �"

Dancer: I think that’s quite enough questioning for now Taylor.

Taylor: But sir, don’t you think we should �"

Dancer: Miss Bolero, you are free to go, thankyou so much for your time.

Bolero: My pleasure.

[Exit BOLERO]

Taylor: But sir you can’t just let her �"

Dancer: Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Misguided Taylor, innocent Taylor. Can’t you see? We have all the information we need right here. Come along, we must move quickly. Time, as they say, is of the essence.

Blackout.

[Voices during blackout]

Wrangler: What did they say?

Bolero: Nothing, nothing. Those idiots couldn’t solve a jigsaw puzzle. We have nothing to worry about.

Wrangler: So did they ask you about �"

Bolero: No.

Wrangler: And did you tell them that �"

Bolero: No.

Wrangler: Good. Good.

***

 

 

 

Scene Five

[Lights up on DANCER, behind him sit six chairs filled by the remaining six suspects: WRANGLER, ALBERT, BETTY-ANN, FRANKLIN STERN, GILDA STERN and ROSIE CRANTZ. As each is interviewed, they are lit by a spotlight.]

Dancer: So, it seems the brilliant detective was finally beginning to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. It seems the suspects knew far more about the late Mr. Dominico than they let on before, and it was my responsibility to find out just what these people knew.

[Lights up on STERN]

Stern: He was an old friend.

[Lights up on BETTY-ANN]

Betty-Ann: I went through his trash one time, that’s all, I swear!

[Lights up on GILDA]

Gilda: He used to bring me presents every Christmas

[Lights up on ROSIE]

Rosie: Why did he have to die?!

[Lights up on WRANGLER]

Wrangler: We’ve... Conducted business in the past.

[Lights up on ALBERT]

Albert: I don’t get paid enough for this.

[Lights back down on all but DANCER]

Dancer: This was a tough one. It would not surprise me if every single soul before you had a motive for the murder of one Patrick Dominico. It would take hours of my best investigation to cut through to the heart of this case, once and for all.

[Exit DANCER. TAYLOR takes to the stage, replacing DANCER. He watches after him for a moment, exasperated.]

Taylor: Idiot. [takes out his notebook]

Dear Diary,

Following the sudden and inexplicable poisoning of one Mr. Patrick Dominico at the Stern Hotel the sixteenth of the sixth, I have yet again taking to doing Inspector Dancer’s work for him. Seven suspects, Stern, Stern, Bolero, Crantz, Bunting, Wrangler and... Al. Relationships with the deceased all confirmed, motives established.

Victim �" Patrick Dominico. Gender: Male. Age: 42. Occupation: Entrepreneur �"

[A snort of laughter]

Something to add, Ms. Bolero?

Gilda: She wouldn’t tell you, not with her precious reputation at stake.

Taylor: Tell me what?

Wrangler: Mr. Dominico’s job.

Taylor: Excuse me but does everyone in this room know more than I do about this case?

All: Yes.

Betty-Ann: Oh for pity’s... He was a porn mogul.

Taylor: A what?

Gilda: A manufacturer of adult literature.

Rosie: Cherry, Nuts, Climax, Score, Screwers Weekly, they were all his.

Stern: He built up quite a following, an empire if you will

Bolero: Disgusting.

Betty-Ann: Hypocrite!

Bolero: Say that again?

Betty-Ann: Hyp...

Stern: Taylor I think we’d better do something here..

Betty-Ann: O...

Taylor: Now ladies let’s be civil about this...

Betty-Ann: CRITE!

Bolero: You die!

[The two fight, eventually pulled apart by STERN and TAYLOR.]

Betty-Ann: Please, you only made it big because he put you in his magazine!

Bolero: She lies! I would never pose for such filth �"

Betty-Ann: Oh yeah?

[They attempt to fight again and are pulled apart, again.]

Taylor: Ladies, ladies... Settle down. [they do so.] So what you are telling me is that Mr Dominico produced these... magazines, founded his fortune on them, am I right?

Betty-Ann: You betcha.

Bolero: [Snorts.]

Taylor: And you know this because?

Betty-Ann: Well... Myself and Mr. Dominico had a... Complex relationship.

Rosie: Complex? He had a restraining order against you!

Betty-Ann: He did that in a moment of passion! He always wanted to be with me, always!

Stern: This is ludicrous...

Betty-Ann: You better watch your mouth Mr. Stern!

Stern: Is that any way to speak to your employer?

Betty-Ann: It is when you know what I know!

Stern: If you really know what I think you know then you’ll know Patrick was never interested in you!

Betty-Ann: Shut up! Just �" just shut up. Oh Todd, they’re being so mean to me... [she flees to WRANGLER for comfort, who dismisses her]

Wrangler: Get... Off!

[He pushes her, and she is caught smoothly by ALBERT. She starts crying.]

Bolero: Oh toughen up you snivelling �"

Wrangler: C’mon Frenchie, she’s not worth it...

Taylor: Frenchie?

Wrangler: What?

Taylor: Frenchie, you just called Ms Bolero Frenchie.

Wrangler: Uh... Sure I did. It’s a nick name. For Francesca, you know?

Taylor: You’ve known this woman two hours and you have a nickname for her already?

Wrangler: Uh, well, oh... y’see, about that...

Al: They’re lovers.

Wrangler: ALBERT?

Al: The two of them have been sneaking around for months.

Wrangler: You’re fired.

Al: Please. I quit.

Taylor: So Ms Bolero and Mr Wrangler have been having a relationship behind Mr. Dominico’s back?

Al: Pretty much.

Bolero: Can he blame me?

Stern: Hold it right there �"

Bolero: All these years, his trophy, his cover up! Blackmailed into a loving a man who all the time had his eye on �"

Stern: I will have you removed from this hotel!

Gilda: Daddy, what is she saying?

Rosie: Oh shut up, what do you care?

Betty-Ann: Doesn’t anyone care what I think?

Wrangler: If you open that goddamn mouth one more time I’ll �"

Taylor: Quiet!! Now, I’m sure supper is nearly prepared, if all of you would kindly proceed to the dining room in a civil and orderly fashion, I believe we can finish this once and for all.

[The suspects begin their slow exit, leaving TAYLOR alone on stage for a moment, before exiting himself.]

 

 

 ***

 

 

Scene Six

[DANCER  is on stage alone with his notebook.]

Dancer: [to audience] I’ve cracked it. Don’t ask me how, but I’ve done it. Simple matter of deduction. I have it all here, motive, opportunity, execution... I’m stunned by my own genius sometimes I really am. And now, we wait.

[Enter the suspects, having been banished from TAYLOR’s sight, still mumbling and snarling at one another.]

Dancer: [to audience] Marvellous. [to suspects] Ladies and gentlemen, I’m glad you could join me. Please, take your seats. I have quite an interesting little announcement. Joseph Dancer has, yet again, solved the case. I know, I know you must be saying to yourselves, so quickly? With so little evidence, so little time? You must be thinking, how could anyone possibly solve such a quagmire of a case, without help? And not to mention, remain so calm in the presence of a confirmed murderer. Well, do not look on in amazement ladies and gentlemen, I am no more than a man. This is simply my job. Now, down to business. Where is Taylor? Taylor!

[Enter TAYLOR hurriedly]

Taylor: Right here sir.

Dancer: Ah, excellent. We have learned a number of interesting things tonight, have we not Taylor?

Taylor: Why yes, yes, a number of... things.

Dancer: We have learned, for instance that the deceased Mr Dominico was being deceived, isn’t that right?

Taylor (surprised): Why yes, yes it is.

Dancer: To think, that poor Mr. Dominico, a hardworking businessman, was being fooled by Ms Bolero, convinced of her love and devotion, when really she has been unequivocally and steadfastly in love with another man.

Bolero: I have, I have!

Dancer: Me.

Bolero: What?

Wrangler: Oh you gotta be kidding me...

Taylor: Mr. Dancer I think you may be mistaken �"

Dancer: Nonsense Taylor it was clear from the moment we arrived, Ms Bolero’s courtesy towards me was more than to any mere fan, you have heard of my work, have you not Ms. Bolero? Idolised it? Perhaps even worshipped it?

Bolero: No.

Dancer: Of course, of course you would say that I know I know but I distinctly �"

Taylor: It’s Wrangler.

Dancer: I’m sorry?

Taylor: Francesca Bolero is in love with Wrangler.

Wrangler: You’re darn tootin’.

Taylor: If that is your real name...

Bolero: What do you mean? These questions, I find it hard to understand...

Taylor: You understand perfectly Ms. Bolero. Or should I say Ms. Frenchie Bumkiss?

[general gasps]

Frenchie Bumkiss, a little known pin up model and cover of the first ever issue of Screwers Weekly, the picture was quite a hit was it not?

Bolero: [shocked] No...

Taylor: Frenchie Bumkiss who soon disappeared from the weekly rags and emerged, backed by the mysterious but wealthy Patrick Dominico to launch a promising film career with an entirely new identity, the sophisticatedly European Francesca Bolero �"

Bolero: You know not of what you speak �"

Taylor: Your real roots were far less glamorous. A farm girl from smack bang in the middle of the bible belt, a hick father who married his cousin, thirteen brothers and sisters and a �"

Bolero [now sporting a deep southern accent]: A false eye, a baby and a shotgun wedding at aged thirteen, you betcha buddy.

Dancer: Yes well that much was obvious.

Taylor: But that’s not all. Ms Bumkiss’ relationship with Dominico was not just a cover for her troubling background but for Dominico. Dominico, who was madly in love with another. Another standing right here in this room. Mr. Patrick Stern.

Gilda: Daddy!

Rosie: In this family? I’m not surprised.

Taylor: Naturally Mr. Stern’s love affair would have been detrimental to both their livelihoods, but years of secrecy, lies and deceit could take its toll on any relationship. Perhaps Mr. Stern invited his lover here tonight to enact his revenge, to final end the suffering and the lies �"

Stern: I did no such thing!

Taylor: Oh but I have hardly begun to scratch the surface of the treachery between these walls. Miss Crantz?

Rosie (frightened): What?

Taylor: Where are your parents tonight?

Rosie: My?

Taylor: Parents. Your mother and father?

Rosie: Well... um, they’re... they’re...

Gilda: Away. On business. Rosie’s parents are very busy people and she often stays with us, isn’t that right daddy?

Taylor: I see. Then I’m sure you would have been somewhat familiar with Mr. Dominico would you not?

Rosie: I... I guess so...

Taylor: Had you spent much time with Mr. Dominico yourself? Spoken to him? Had heart to hearts with him?

Rosie: He would stay at the hotel. Business trips and things. As he called them anyway...

Taylor: Naturally. And this particular trip, this visit, it had particular significance did it not?

Rosie: I don’t know what you’re saying.

Taylor: You know perfectly well what I’m saying. The detective and I saw you storming away from the hotel earlier tonight just as we arrived, having clearly received some distressing news, distressing news, which I believe I, may have deduced for myself. Do you mind?

Rosie: No. Go right ahead.

Taylor: Tonight, upon your arrival to the hotel you were told something distressing, something you did not want to know. I believe, Miss Crantz that it was Mr. Dominico who delivered you this news.

Rosie: Yes.

Taylor: And what did he tell you Miss Crantz? What did he reveal to you that had you leave this hotel and proclaim to the world that your whole life is a lie, only to be dragged back by your dear friend to put on a brave face?

Rosie: I...

Gilda: She doesn’t have to tell you anything, Rosie please �"

Rosie: She’s my sister.

Stern: Miss Crantz �"

Rosie: I think it’s about time you started calling me Rosie, DAD!

Taylor: Yes Miss Crantz you have been an ingénue of the Stern family your entire life and why? Because you were born a Stern, but naturally an heiress to a business such as this one is expected to have certain �"

Rosie: It’s cos I wasn’t pretty enough! And Uncle Patrick decided it was time I knew!

Taylor: Naturally, naturally. And as the eldest Stern daughter, this entitles you to �"

Rosie: The entire Stern fortune!

Taylor: And someone couldn’t handle that, could they? Someone who had spent their life under the shelter of the Stern name. Someone who expected, nay, demanded the attention the title gave to her, someone so blinded by rage that her future had been snapped away from her decided to kill the man responsible... Gilda Stern.

[More gasps. After a moments pause, GILDA leaps from her seat, revealing a revolver, aimed squarely at her best friend’s head.]

Gilda: All you had to do was keep your mouth shut for once in your pathetic little life. You had it all, best friend to one of the most beautiful socialites in the country, the life of a princess, without any of the responsibility of being the ‘daughter of Patrick Stern’. I was good to you. I spent all my time with you, pretended to enjoy your company, but no that wasn’t good enough. Then Patrick came along and made you his favourite and all of a sudden it’s, ‘oh no, she has a right to know, she deserves to know’. Didn’t anyone stop to think about me? I am the Stern girl here, I am the heir to the throne. I AM THE PRINCESS! I AM I AM I AM!

[shots fire from the revolver and AL dives in front of ROSIE CRANTZ, taking the hit. GILDA falls to the floor, hysterical, clinging to her father’s leg and shrieking. BETTY-ANN runs to AL.]

Taylor: Gilda Stern you are under arrest for the murder of Patrick Dominico and the attempted murder of Rosie... Stern. Come along.

[TAYLOR prises GILDA from her father’s leg and leads her out, still sobbing.]

Wrangler [to Francesca]: Well, I guess you’re free.

Francesca [her accent returned to normal]: Si. Libre.

Wrangler: I love ya Frenchie.

Francesca [southern accent again]: I love you too Hush Puppy.

[Exit the lovebirds, arm in arm.]

Stern [to Rosie]: Are you alright?

Rosie: I will be. I guess you’ve got a new will to get started on.

Stern: I’ll have my lawyer write it up.

Rosie: Dad, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

[Exit STERN and ROSIE.]

Betty-Ann [to Al]: Oh Al, baby, you sap, you dumb bird, you big brave son of a melon, are you alright?

Al: Sure baby. [Opens his jacket to reveal a bullet proof vest. BETTY-ANN helps him up and he grabs her hand.] Let’s get out of here.

Betty: Sure, these people are crazy...

Al: And how...

[Exit AL and BETTY-ANN

Dancer: And that, is the end of that chapter. Murder, lies, love, deceit. All just a day’s work for Joseph Dancer, Detective Extraordinaire.

 

 

 

Fin.......?

Author's Note

It's just meant to be silly :)

A brief note about the cast

Robert Dancer - Deluded Detective Extraordinaire

Edmund Taylor - His Loyal and More Competent Assistant

Patrick Dominico - A Businessman and Victim

Francesca Bolero - A demure Hollywood Legend Linked to the Deceased

Betty-Ann Bunting - A Nymphomanic Cleaning Lady and Certified Stalker

Todd Wrangler - All Singing All Dancing Teen Sensation

Albert - His Terrifying Bodyguard

Franklin Stern - Hotel Mogul With a Secret

Gilda Stern - Heiress to the Stern Fortune

Rosie Crantz - An Unfortunate Looking Socialite (funnier if played by a man, not some poor unattractive fresher)

Reviews

[yashsickle]

This is absolutely fantastic! This dialogue is absolutely spot on, I could hear and see every character perfectly in my mind. I really hope that wasn't the end.