The Fifth

 

Dear Whoever May Get This First;

 

Recently, I've found life overwhelming and completely unmanageable. Getting out of the bed is out of the question...so, you know what I've done? I gathered all the essentials [books, paper, pens, pencils, journal, sketch book, etc.] and put them either on the bed beside me, on the floor no further than arms reach or put them in or on my night stand.

 

It's amazing, really, because, until now, I couldn't stop moving, couldn't break down, and couldn't stop doing things for people. All that has come to a screeching halt...I refuse to move...and I'm broken up so much that I don't/can't see a purpose to pulling myself back together to continue faking another day...[Should I even bother to keep trying?]

 

Do you think it might be too late to re-jump start my life? To even worry about thinking about trying? Now that everything I've built up has been shattered, I mean. I don't really think I had anything going...I never saw the potential I 'held'...and that makes me wonder, did I have any to begin with? Or was it just imagination running wild...just me trying to be something I wasn't...again.

 

I keep repeating the words of others to myself trying to make myself see what they see. Believe what they believe. Or even just get a glimmer of it, realize there might be hope for me after all. Maybe all my effort has been made in vain. Maybe it just isn't meant for me. But...I can't really believe that either...

 

I have to believe in something though, find something to hold onto enough to pull myself out of this. Can you give me something to look forward to? Is there anything worth reaching out for? Maybe...just maybe...I can wake up inside first...see the light my eyes can't.

 

...

 

Or maybe, I will lay here forever, wasting away. Because wasting away is nothing more that what I am. I have become nothing more than a waste of flesh. A waste of breath, of space, of time, of emotion...but, ultimately, I have become a waste of life.... I'd even be a waste of death. So...if I lay here, maybe the world will pass me by and I will fade into non-existence. This space that I waste will become my virtual reality...