The Fourth

 

Dear Whoever May Get This First;

 

I wonder...

 

How many other people in this wretched universe are as pitiful as me...suddenly realizing that they must be the biggest fools on earth because they are still awake at 1:37 AM, desperately waiting for their boyfriend to call...and then, finding that they are lying, of all places, on the basement floor, instead of cuddling up with the pillows on their bed...[in my case, though, there are no pillows...only sheets....]

 

It must have been funny, at least by the point I realized this, because I began laughing at myself. Soft at first, but soon I was crawling up the stairs in hysterics, still laughing, but teary eyed. I am a damned fool...I must be. And of course I'm not going to lower myself to the forbidden level...you know, the one where I am calling him after he promised he'd call me...so, distraught, I throw myself on my bed and I turn to my little notebook and write as many logical excuses as I can for his failure to call me...and then, I curse myself in less than perfectly structured sentences...and once again find myself in hysterics. Silly girl I am...I can't help it though.

 

As I drift into an almost content state of mind, I begin wondering some more...and, stupidly, I let myself continue.

 

I wonder...

How can I make myself fall asleep?

Whether I should flush the pills I have secretly stowed in my bag?...or simply swallow them...

How can I clear my head in a safe, SANE way?

How will I manage to stop these thoughts...

How will I possibly make everyone happy in this miserable state that I'm in?

Wouldn't it be nice if I suddenly became temporarily deaf?

What's it like to have absolutely no free will?

What's it like just to be sane??

Why can't I let the tears flow?

Where to run?

Where can I hide?

How the hell can I stop these thoughts?

Who can I turn to? Can I turn to anyone?

When should I just give up?

How do I keep holding on?

What do I do?

How can I keep fighting this?

How can I stay happy?

 

And, sadly, with all these things racing through my mind, I couldn't force myself to see the positive things...like I'd made it to another day...though it was early in the day and I'd still not slept...Or that I wasn't deaf, though I dearly longed to be...at least for a while. And my mind was working well enough to have me running those questions through my mind...and processing them seriously...

 

While I was busy worrying about the answers I knew I'd never find, I should have been sleeping. And if that failed, I should have been trying to get something done, like the dishes I'd left to do in the morning. Or maybe I could stop being lazy and actually make an attempt to vacuum and dust and fold the clothes after I washed and dried them...taken the dogs out on a walk. But, I selfishly stayed in the bed I'd drug myself into and cried my pitiful self into a deep sleep.

 

Its funny how I awoke to a nice bright shot of sunshine aimed directly at my face...Joy, huh? But, my day went as well as it should have...I spent it in bed with no sleep, no food, almost two pots of coffee, a damn good book and all the art materials and paper and things I needed with arms reach on the floor beside my bed. I got out of bed only to put in an hour of working out, take a shower, brush my teeth, restroom breaks, to get another book, and to prove to my father that I wasn't dead. I stayed in that bed for four days straight...

 

I would still be in it now if my brother and sister were still with their father...

 

But, as it is, I've made it as far as my computer to write this...to make another pot of coffee...you know, the stuff I need. I actually went outside today though...and I even ate a whole meal...Isn't it wonderful? A great improvement over my previous status? Though, I must admit, I am still miserable in a funny sort of way.

 

You know how some women will get off of work at 5 o'clock on the dot, and mope about town on their way home, stopping here to get a huge box of chocolates, a bag of their favorite chips, a couple bottles of wine. Then hitting a video rental store to get the sappiest movie they know of, making their way through the door and as far as the couch before beginning their lonely night, sipping the cheap wine, eating all the junk food, and bawling for the tragedy that struck the movie stars in their filmed charade... It's that kind of miserable...though without the junk food and wine, and most definitely without the cheesy film [those are reserved for the days I can stand to be in a social setting]. I prefer extreme doses of caffeine and a book [previously mentioned].

 

Want to know something else funny about my sad stay in bed? I was desperate enough to try asking for help, cruel enough to not only step on people's toes, but to rudely walk all over them, and histrionic enough to drag out my nothingness into more nothings. Quite a riot, isn't it?

 

Right now, I'm suffering from a vicious headache, and a murderous rage that I can't submit to because I am too tired to worry about it, and frustrated because I can't sleep...ironic, though...because the way I'm drinking coffee, it's like I'm begging to never sleep, when I am wicked tired and physically exhausted, and mentally worn out...

 

Do you think that my sufferings can get any worse?